It is the first November. I was thrilled last night when I wrote the previous log. I thought it would be alright but life just punched me once again. I woke up with excruciating back pain,the bank charged me twice for administration work, and so my balance was reset to zero. I will have to be dealing with that very soon, possibly just create a static account or close it down. In addition to that, last night once again, I was almost hit by motorbike while I was walking.
Like goddamnit, can't people here ride responsibly? I am respectful and careful pedestrian already. It's not that I want to get hit again for the thousand times. I had enough and I am in no position to afford any health care or hospital.
However, I felt somewhat grateful to have found a good landlord. They are already like my family. I only hope they won't kick me out for being late in paying my rent. I have been living here for 3 years now and planning to extend for the next 2 years. I can never find any cheaper rent than this place. It's not the best living condition out there but, it is better and I am grateful to have roofs over my head.
There are so many things I learned along the way. At times like this, I remember every experiences,good memories and privileges I had earlier. It was great while it lasted. Now, It is more challenging than ever with my crippling depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety- things that can hit me at any moment. I am trying to persist with all the good habits I develop in hope swooping all the demons away.
Then a family who I do not wish to connect, texted me again. I wish she wouldn't. But I still see her intentions were good as in informing me about my father' condition. The only thing was, she added sprinkle of bitterness, mockery and sarcastic remarks.
Yet overall, I am grateful this year is better than the previous three years where I was working tireless unpaid, barely had any food, clueless and had no idea what to do with my life. It was only after the accident, life began to make sense. Quite adventurous. I could pursue a lifestyle I have always wished for, traveling on my own more than ever, met amazing folks. All I know, whatever happened, happened.
Also, there's a song I love from Eminem titled Beautiful, parts of the lyrics says,
Cause where you see it from where you're sitting
Is probably a hundred and ten percent different
I guess we would have to walk a mile
In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet.
That's all for now. I need more sleep.
Signed, M.
Macchi, that’s the way to go! everything is temporary and hard times are bound to pass as well :)
@fukako, Thank you so much. I am certain it will pass. I am keeping my head afloat, doing what I gotta do. It is a giant mess at the moment but soon I will find the way out. I also think I have to stop letting my ego win, pretending to have a baller life when I am struggling.
Going back to school adds up to my frustration. You know how it feels when you're falling out of love- that's how I feel about it. But, I am halfway finishing it and I see no way to just quit. I will try my best.
This is another twisted yarn in my life. I had a fair share of good life to escape my problems but at this time, I won't escape. It will only do further damage than good. Thank you for your support all along :-)
I truly appreciate it, and wish to repay in ways I could do, one day!
feel like this is too deep for me
for sure!
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