by Joseph R. Biden, President of the United States
Washington, May 13 - With great pride, I note that my administration has worked tirelessly to prevent our troops from having to set foot any farther into the Middle East. Only by resolving the violent flare-ups through diplomacy can we ensure that no US soldier, airman, sailor, or marine ever gets shot down or stranded in a place where the locals eat human flesh. Look at camera.
The risk to American military personnel from cannibals received scant attention from my predecessor, I feel obligated to point out. That alone indicates where my priorities lie, as opposed to where his remain. This administration looks forward. And it sees cannibals. Shake head.
Slightly raise voice. The care necessary to prevent our fighting men and women from falling prey to cannibals includes not putting them in position to fall into the hands of cannibals in the first place. My own uncle's experience always serves as a sober reminder of the importance of that principle. For that reason, I have made it clear that the US personnel setting up and managing the floating pier off Gaza must take specific precautions to prevent capture by cannibals on shore. The mortar attacks by the people they're supposed to be aiding are a distraction I expect voters to ignore.
Pause. Look up at camera. Smile in a grandfatherly way.
You know, I know what it's like. My son Beau was eaten by cannibals in Gaza.
Put firmness into voice. My administration and I have been resolute from the start about protecting our troops. If there are any cannibals in Afghanistan, those barbarians no longer have access to our men and women in uniform. Because this administration took them out of harm's way. We took the people who have devoted their careers, the prime of their lives and their considerable training and skill, to putting themselves at risk to protect and secure American interests throughout the globe, and withdrew them from any potential cannibals lurking in Afghanistan. And now Niger and other parts of the Sahel, as well. Pause.
Look at camera. My son Beau was eaten by cannibals in Niger.
Smile. Let Putin put his men in the clutches of the cannibals. See how they enjoy it.
Pause. Assume somber look and tone. We must also acknowledge that remaining forever in conflict with cannibals, wherever they may be, offers no long-term solution. Reconciliation is the only way forward. That is why I have authorized pallets of cash, in the amount of eighty billion dollars, to be flown to the cannibals. We do not currently know their whereabouts, but the leaders of Iran have graciously offered to take the cash and deliver it on our behalf as soon as they find them.
This is the leadership America needs. Four more years!
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