One thing I got in my arsenal of verbal weaponry I'll put up against anyone is my truth streætcher.
Mhm.
Hell yes I will, it's patented—undefeated. I can stretch the truth in my sleep! Planes, trains, a basketball game, nowhere's off-limits. I'll do it right now, watch:
I almost died last night.
Jackass The Movie was on. I'm laying in bed, winding down for the evening, Pura's sound asleep next to me. I've seen Jackass before but it's been awhile. Joint's about half gone. I reached over to put it out and grab the remote. I was just about to turn it off when that part came on where they trap Bam in a horse trailer with a giant king cobra.
Death. Me. Almost.
Not because of a movie I've seen, I know how it ends. What happened was, instinct kicked in; I reacted defensively to the slithering demon and my whole body flinched like someone said Covid in the middle of a serious conversation cuz if there's ONE THING I avoid at all costs it's waking up my wife.
Turn the water cold mid-shower, forget to pick her up after work, engage in political jargon with her grandfather are all horrible ideas with consequences but none risk life like waking her up mid-sleep.
Instant regret? Absolutely, but almost died is probably stretching it. Probably.
Lie, however, like the moral compass my existence revolves around can't be trusted couldn't be further from the truth—I saw the funniest name I've ever seen the other day.
Phil Deese.
That's not it but I shit you not I met that dude.
Seriously, I'll tell you about Sherry in a minute. Real nice lady actually, she filled in for my therapist last week. 39 years she's been practicing but first you gotta meet Phil and Dick.
2007, I'm working in Las Vegas, up and down Aria Tower goes me as I'm being introduced to all of the hands on site. My day was about over when they handed me the job stewards business card.
Don't hesitate to call, they said—Phil Deese, it said. I fake laughed.
'Phil Deese?' Yeah, ok, and I'm Hugh Jirection.
No one laughed. About 10 of us are huddled around the office trailer and no one acknowledged my joke as though I'm not the only Hugh Jirection on payroll.
Yeah, Phil, good Union man. Easy to get along with, too. Anything you need, don't hesitate, he's available 24/7.
Deese, like 'these,' his name's Phil Deese?
Again, they just agreed, lazily shrugged their shoulders like I'm the new guy who won't stop repeating his self and shook my hand, "nice to meet you." "Welcome," and went back to work.
Dear Phil Deese: If there's an award for coolest name ever, you got it in the bag. Dick, however, not so much.
Dick.
I've met a handful of Dicks, worked with a couple too. I said 'with,' worked with. Never understood why they don't go by Rich or Richard or Ricky or Forestfuckin Gump or anything other than Dick but, whatever, that's on them.
I'm at a yard sale, sifting through old vinyl records. I found a Rappers Delight LP that day—true story. Anywho, there's an older dude there, his name's Dick. I was in my early 20's that day so, when I say older dude, he was probably around my age now—pushing 50. He's hitting on a chick about 20 years younger than him.
I'm not eavesdropping, it's a yard sale, I can't avoid overhearing their conversation. I know his name cuz she kept saying it; "Hi, Dick!" "Very nice, Dick." "Thanks for that, Dick?" "Come here often, Dick, what's your number?"
She wants his phone number.
Dick gave it to her. He's gettin some tonight, I thought, without unveiling what I think. "What's your last name?" Asks the much younger and attractive, seemingly interested chick who's feeling Dick - phone in hand - ready to plug it in.
Burns.
Mhm.
No fucking way! Thinks me in not-so-incognito fashion that time, he said Burns!!!
I wasn't given enough time to wrap my head around what just happened. It's not a big yard, the whole sale is in the driveway. Oh, they heard me.
I fake sneezed and coughed and grabbed my throat like I was having an allergic reaction—best improv I could muster on short notice. I've maintained composure in the past when someone does something in public that should be a podcast like screaming Hoverchair lady who put on a helluva performance at the phone joint cuz they were having a buy one get one promotion all weekend so she went the fuck off about nothing in that store's free and aliens, big brother, they should all be ashamed of theirselves and electric vehicles, GMO's but this was not one of those times.
I laughed real loud out loud.
To this day I've always assumed she didn't call him. He's probably shopping for love somewhere right now. Tough to imagine much dating success with a name that sounds like it hurts.
And then came Sherry, Dick don't stand a chance. I checked the spleling two or three times without getting caught staring, it said the same thing every time.
Karol told me all about Sherry—medical field for 39 years, really nice, senior physical therapist, academic this and academic that.
Physical therapist, I have weekly physical therapy. My name was called.
She met me at the entrance counter and shook my hand, "hello, I'm Sherry, I'll be filling in for Karol this week." Sherry has nice teeth, I'm weird about grills. And reddish-orangish hair. I'm not weird about reddish-orangish hair, that's what color hers is.
Introduction - small talk - sit across the desk from each other - get comfortable.
She unwrapped my arm first, then my hand, exposed the new incisions and did some evaluating. Between her assessment and Karol's notes, we're ready to begin treatment.
That's when I saw her name tag—left shoulder / my right. It's not Sherry with an S-H, it's Sherry with a C-H and it doesn't have a Y, either.
C-h-e-r-i.
Last name. You probably got it already in 2..
•
•
F.ck, I remember reading this post when not at home, or logged in. Thought I should comment later, forgot. Sorry about that, it seems to happen a lot lately.
These names, boy.. wtf :)
The funniest part of your posts and stories is usually when you explain how you responded and I swear reading it I'm there with you and laughing even louder without being able to hold it in. I'm pretty sure I'd respond similar most of the times :)
Soooo, now that I am late anyway, please gimme some adorable pupster love <3
Hope your hand is healing well!
<3
Thanks more than this. Comedy pieces are so tough. I'm a mess the closer I get to the post button, I'm always, I hope it's not just me...
The hematoma is about 80% gone in my arm, that's the only progress I have right now unfortunately. Still can't move my fingers. My surgeon expects full control and strength in my hand by next winter. Nerves suck like names that sounds like they hurt.
All the shit I've been through, the worst thoughts are the ones now.
Ok so 20% left, that sounds like a positive thing, I mean it could have been the other way around, right?
Not being able to move your fingers is shit though, hopefully that will be ok sooner than the doctor predicts. Next winter sounds so far away :(
Take care <3
!PIMP
You must be killin' it out here!
@thisismylife just slapped you with 5.000 PIMP, @dandays.
You earned 5.000 PIMP for the strong hand.
They're getting a workout and slapped 2/2 possible people today.
Read about some PIMP Shit or Look for the PIMP District
I feel like I just got sucker punched in the gut. I’m still down on the ground. Just bang on a drum hilarious.
I believe nothing. I question everyone, everything and all of existence.
Sign snickers mhm, delicious shots.
Obviously you wouldn’t be here if that were true.
Stretching it. You. Always.
I’d like to say something about that old vinyl, Dick, and fake allergic reactions but I’m going to leave you in suspense so you can wonder what I was thinking and not saying.
Can you laugh fake loud out loud though?
Come here often?
Whaddup! Thanks for checking me out. Glad it's not just me who thought that was funny. Comedy pieces are the worst!
I'm a nervous mess when it's time to click post, I hope I'm not the only who thinks it's funny...
I'm doing it again, huh? That think thing. Maybe I say fuck too often.. I should consider incorporating cunt or cunty like someone's all bla bla and didn't even say thank you! = }
Yes. You have boredom-free guarantee.
snort of laughter
You got funny down better than a lot of wannabe clowns.
That is just hilarious. As I'm reading the fug line, I'm thinking what about the conty word, why not that, as I roll over to the next sentence to read that very word, you'd think you were an Aussie flower from down under without the aphid infestation.
That sign is discriminating against dogs. I'm offended on behalf of dogs.
ps, if I'm still alive tomorrow it'll be a miracle.
You know how as life rolls along, chga chga (train), we receive various compliments and criticisms and, for the most part, they're forgotten over time. Every once in awhile they stick.
Boredom-free, dlk (dart).
Dart that boredom-free sticker.
Names can be really interesting sometimes. It's the fact that you took a shot of "Cheri's" badge😅
Nah.. I made that. I wouldn't dare snap a shot and risk getting caught. Poor Cheri, I'm not the first nor the last to recognize her handle. = }
Thank you, Wongi.
LOL names are important...just a quick note to all who intend to have children at some point. Think twice!
The funniest name I ever ran across was while I worked as receptionist in an electric company. A man walked in and said he had a meeting with an estimator named Mark. I said 'may I tell him who's calling?' He replied Dick Lipps L-i-p-p-s. I had to hold my composure until I rang his secretary and told her who was here to see her boss and she laughed so damn loud we could hear her all the way to the reception area.
Was that really his name or was he being funny? If that's on his ID and not an inside joke between himself and the boss or something, that's horrible.
Did he talk funny? = }
hahaa no he didn't talk funny and I didn't see his I.D. but the secretary got in trouble for her loud belly laugh.
Funny. Thanks for sharing that one. I gotta be real with you. I totally played out an extended version in my head where he goes, "I said Nick!" Overemphasizing the N, "Lipps, L.i.p.b for bye!"
lol hilarious
Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?
Anyway...the tittering and chortling kinda stopped as I reached the Bootleggers window 'poem'. Its upset me.
Is it supposed to be an almost rhyming poem because it doesn't make sense....other question is, without me googling, shouldn't ya'll be spelt y'all or am I missing something? Have words please lol...
Anyway. That's me done. On my way down South and I will be doing some more research on the wall art and Jack next week.
Have a great week fella :-)
Dear, FaveBrit N. Thailand:
I can't spell it or say it, been spelling it with two A's, ya'all. I got I'm not from here written all over me so whaddup and yooo, dude, et cetera upon introduction confirms their suspicions.
I'm hip like that.
I think they made it poem'ish cuz if you steal something we'll shoot you probably deters customers.
Much love sir. You and yours have enough fun for every one this weekend would ya.
Sincerely,
Sam Wichiss.
Seems you've found a rather curious sort of bootleggers...
I can't remember when I got that one. Gotta be back in the LG flipfone days.
Afraid of a Lil' Ol' Snake...hhehehe
I have married into an Irish Family.
It is full of fun family history. And plenty of drunken kinfolk.
You know that Patrick Fitgerald is related to Gerald Fitzpatrick right?
I know, eh?
My deepest, sincerest, heartfelt, unending condolences from the bottom of my heart to you.
It was a step up really. The family I come from is a backwoods, inbred, Pensyl-Tucky heathen clan. The kind our big city Boi @dandays likes to make fun of... (that and the dotdotdots...) To him, We walks fun-knee, talks fun-knee and looks fun-knee.
Not my kinda gang...
This is my kind of gang...
Scary Right..?
Snakes and Reality. They are both pretty frightening...
😂
Take a trip to Newfoundland sometime, like here:
or here:
or here:
I could go on, but I think you get the pictures by now.
Kill them both, have a giant fry up and burn them all to...
They see me coming from miles away. It's all over me.
Disclaimer..:
"No City Boys, Politicians or Pink Princesses were harmed or given shit during the posting of these comments."
This Song describes where I really should have come from. No Not Communist China silly Boi. A time far before this...
Same awesome Group and the Singer/Actor Leto is the Shizz. # No Jokering Around here.!!
I am...
From Yesterday
As I certainly do not belong in this timeline.
I was on the edge of my seat for that and then the got dang video is censored.
Not here it is not...
Maybe YOUR Censored.??
Yeah, o-kay...
I have been so inspired by our city boy chat. I decided to go clean that city up a bit. Lotsa trash layin' round in the streets. Just wanted to do my part. Here are some screen shots of my efforts...
Your comments tempt me to post more often.
Whaddup!
That's an old one. I listened to it twice. What a jam. Seen him twice, also, the first time was too loud. "T.o.o." Only time I've ever said that—him.
I was too close. One time he hit that feedback through the speakers and knocked himself over. It hurt. It was too loud. Hurt for like a week.
The next time I saw him, he went off about Dixie Chicks cuz they said whatever they said about George Bush and he loves George Bush and dreams about George Bush, has George Bush posters in his room, it was pathetic.
California, though. It didn't work. About 20k people booed his ass so loud, it drowned out his mic and no one could hear him suck off George Bush anymore. He got the hint.
He went into this one like stat to get the crowd back. That guitar rif.. It worked.
I saw him at his best. He opened for Aerosmith in Erie PA. Before I even knew what politics meant.
Politicians = Rotting Festering Subhuman Corpses
The P in POTUS now stands for Pedophile.
Is that just a meme or is he really a multi-decade long Epstein ally, too, like Trump and Prince Charles?
!BEER
!BBH
!WINE
@dandays! Your Content Is Awesome so I just sent 1 $BBH (Bitcoin Backed Hive) to your account on behalf of @eii. (3/5)
Cheers eii thank you.
!LOLZ
!LUV
!PIZZA
lolztoken.com
Details are sketchy.
Credit: reddit
@dandays, I sent you an $LOLZ on behalf of @eii
(4/6)
!HUG
I sent 1.0 HUG on behalf of @eii.
(7/300)
$PIZZA slices delivered:
@eii(3/5) tipped @dandays
Hey hey @dandays. I have a question to ask.
Hey hey @wongi, but that was a statement.
😅😅
The question is in respect to the comedy open mic community and cross posting. I read through the rules and I didn't see anything about cross posting. It is allowed?
Good morning. I appreciate you coming to me for help.
The formal answer is, there's no rule against it per se but authors should know COM content will not be curated by COM if they do cross-post. Does that make sense?
Good morning. Hope you had a good night rest😊
Yes it does. There are no rules for or against it. Thank you for your response ✨.