Today I woke up again trying to convince myself that I have really fallen asleep. Like a friend used to say, it's like being drunk without alcohol. Like being high without drugs. I've been sleepless for days for all the things that mercilessly occupy my mind. For all the things that I try to control and cannot control anymore. All I know is that loving yourself won't do, get real. It's nothing but a perpetual desire to keep yourself alive amongst the fallen angels. A mere denial of the nothingness of life. There's a voice nagging me all night that forces me to release my thoughts however strange and nonsense. These dark days, the man behind the rock reappears and asks me to make him up inside my head. A glimpse of the distant, livable planet. A temporary escape from the pain of existence. A fantasy of how I want him to be. Because the only thing I can control is my thoughts. The only real thing is my dream.
He came to me as an impulsive, adventurous, sporty type of man. Who would not like to be taken up to the end of the world to play in the field of crushed, bloodless white pigeons like little children who missed out the great parts of their childhood? Or go snowboarding in the Andes until I break my legs again and again. Or go breathless under the clear waters of Maldives until we blackout together and fade into the deep blackness of saltwater for all eternity. What's wrong with fantasizing how I want my adventures to be with someone? There would be so many things for us to do and a lifetime would not be enough.
I figured I cannot be with a 100% adventurous, sporty man behind the rock type because, at the end of the day, I still want to sit down and talk about the things that don't matter in this Godless universe. A thinker-philosopher type I can argue with without resorting to violence. I want to challenge my thinking and betray my own thoughts. I want the alpha male of the greatest minds. I'm too complex for a simple man.
But of course, a thinking man behind the rock would still bore me to death. Somehow, I still want to go out there and not think. Either be totally silent or do something mad without a care in this world. I would be grateful if he can be 50% of the adventurous and 50% of the thinker type if that is not too much ask. I need some right kind of balance without getting easily intoxicated or stuck in the same pattern. Predictability is boredom.
Then there's the artist-bohemian man behind the rock type. I know them by heart because I have always been drawn to the power of their charisma. Past love has always been someone connected to some painting or music. Because I am so limited, I want a limitless man for all the things that I wish I can do but couldn't. His mind is the most imaginative. Desired by many, trapped in the limelight, he would surely put my ego and vanity at risk.
Think I haven't fantasized the alpha male, leader of the pack type. Someone who would take control and guide me in the right direction. My personal tyrant who would put me in his pleasurable chains. He gets what he wants, he surely knows how to succeed in life. Someone to look up to, a knight in shining armor of infinite security and the all-too-comfortable. He'll protect me from the rest, his power is mine. An ally to crush my enemies, totally. Oh how I dream for that to happen, once and for all. My dream is his. We'd laugh together like twisted beings who devoured the powerless. He is needed by many, respected by all. But that idea would threaten my independence.
I know I can have them all in one, jack of all trades is too unrealistic these days. I'm too much of a skeptic of all the good things that come together as one. There must be some specialization or some kind of proper vodka mix to suit the sweet alcoholic taste of life. Like 50-50 of the adventurous and alpha-male, or the artist and thinker. Is it even possible to combine the thinker and adventurous? What about a thinker, artist and a dash of the sporty mix. I want to have a shot of each if possible if that's what makes a perfect man behind the rock. I want them all, now. Now I'm a slave to my own confusion. I'd wake up again feeling terrified, he doesn't exist.
May the man behind the rock find you...
That kind of sounds like a curse, but it is meant to be a blessing:)
You can find any type of man out there but not the totality of any package because the environment would always add or subtract to any persona. Anyways, happy hunting.
You don’t need to define yourself in terms of someone else. Be everything you want to be and you will find everything you want to find. You are powerful! Your posts always hint at that.
You allowed yourself a slip there in your final paragraph, first sentence, and it says it all: "I know I can have them all in one." Forget the rest, forget the compromise, forget fearing such men do not exist because they do.
Fear never finding one of them perhaps, but all those things you want in a man, there are men out there that want to be exactly that for themselves.
They are out there right now, striving to be the jack-of-all-trades, the warrior poet and the Renaissance man. Not for anyone else, but so when they look in the mirror they know they are worthy of being called men.
In an age of decadence, apathy and despair, when men are infantilized, neutered and demonized for daring to be men, that look of acknowledgement and self-respect in the mirror is all that many men have left to strive for.
I am sure knowing there is someone out there who wants them for who they are striving to be would be good to know. If only you had a trumpet whose call could reach the world...
I think I meant to say I can't but anyway... not going to change. Maybe they do exist, really.
I really hope a fullpackage man finds you. Its the best there is in the end, spending with two
Gotta catch em' all.
Please file this one under my internet friends are sometimes useless:D
Maybe some different tactics are in order? The L word perhaps?
The New Age Guru who screws all her devotees:
https://medium.com/@bescofield/the-gucci-guru-inside-teal-swans-posh-cult-36168edaf62f ( Perhaps a new vision is needed in a godless world:)
Perhaps Polyamory?
Perhaps another thing to consider prior to entering new romantic ventures: it may be best to landscape anything that looks like a grave on the property; poisons should be hidden out of site; binding devices should be checked so that the keys and locks are in order and all safe words are clear and understood...
Please note I don't give advice and like my fave online golf instructor, I prefer the usage of consider this as a pedagogical device.
Brilliant
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wow such an amazing blog posts feeling so sorry i missed your blog these many days,following you,see you soon.