Being alive is a source of pressure on its own, Growing is a constant thing for every human that isn't dead yet but life has never been about growth. I know what you might be thinking, I find it quite Ironic too but I found out that we mostly mistake growth for progress. Moreover growth have lot of categories, which means you might be experiencing growth physically as every ordinary human being but you might not be progressing. Financially, academically, mentally, spiritually e.t.c there are lot of sides to it, you see?
Having to manage all these, pressure and anxiety starts building, knowing how unstable the financial world is, anything could happen at any moment which could jeopardize the aim of a person to achieve financial stability and the position of such person in the society. The moment you get carried away by this thought you become a ghost of yourself, obsessing over it and forgetting all other important stuffs that matters in life just to ensure financial stability.
What pressure have I placed on myself? It is kind of ironic, I still can't tell if I have placed it on myself or I'm just flowing with the natural way of things. Recently I discovered there is a part of me terrified of choosing wrong and this dictate every decision I make.
The one thing that amazes me about myself is the way I think. I mean if there is one trait that seems to be the foundation of every other trait I posses is my ability to reason. The reason behind this is very simple, the more careful I evaluate my options through thinking, the more I know and the more I know, the more secure I feel. Which means anything outside what I know makes me feel uncomfortable or should I say the unknown makes me feel unsecure. I mean it is something common among most human, for us to be very curious and cautious of the unknown but for me, it is a little bit intense.
I plan my life like it is all that matters, well I have a brain that doesn't want to be idle for a sec. I spend every minute of me not being mentally occupied, thinking about my life, most especially my plans. I have theoretically created a road map of my life in my head and with my ability to create an illusive visual of my plans in my head, I walk through it everytime as easy as snapping my fingers.
But whenever I look backwards I realize for every step I take towards by plans thinking I know what is next for me on the road map, hundreds of other paths opens up and each path leads to hundreds more. Whenever I try to push forward trying to turn a blind eye to the other paths despite knowing that my mind is dying to know more about the other paths, while still pushing forward, my mind becomes overwhelmed by "what if" I just peeped and see what is there, would things turn out differently?
Knowing there are hundreds of path opening up at every step I take, leading to hundreds of more paths and me feeling curious about those other paths at every step, which is filling my mind with hundreds of "what if". Some I can't even remember but the feeling still lingers, imagine how it feels to be plagued by a mind that is unintentionally fixating on what could have been.
So at the moment, anytime I try to take any step forward, I hesitate for awhile because I'm worried of a step I should I have taken, which might be or not be the right step and might or might not have effect on those around me in ways I can or can't imagine. It feels like this pressure is self inflicted but when a person lives long enough, you start feeling the need to second guess every step?
How do I react when things don't go as planned? I will go with the flow and get other things done, instead of being paralysed by self pity. I prefer to keep going. I would not waver, over the years not having things my way had become a part of the plan. I believe as humans we can't always have everything figured out, coping with mysteries and uncertainties is all part of human development, it adds to our experience, it makes living more adventurous. what is the point of life if everything is all figured out? wouldn't that take the fun out of living?
This write-up was inspired by weekly featured content titled Personal pressure in hive learners community.
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