Who was I in a past life and what did I do?
I’ve been many people, and a few animals too, but the one I’ll enlighten you with today is: A caveman.
So yeah, you probably heard of this thing called fire right? Well, I was the dude who made it up. (I didn’t get it patented in time to make a pile of money from it though unfortunately.)
So, there I was clubbing some poor sabre tooth tiger to death with a few of my mates with the view to rip into it raw with my cavemanish teeth. Once sufficiently clubbed I dragged it into my cave and was about to tuck in when boom I had an idea...Why don’t I cook it up!
Now, I didn’t have any means to do so, no microwave oven, and that made me mad. You ever seen a mad caveman? You don’t want to mess with a mad caveman with a club, trust me. I was throwing a tantrum to be honest, hitting things with my club, throwing rocks and banging them together when...Fucking hell, a spark happened! It flew off a couple of rocks and, just my luck, into my best mammoth fur cloak which proceeded to burn up to nothing. That made me more angry.
I didn’t have a fire extinguisher, because I was a cavemen and I hadn’t invented one yet, so I cast about looking for something to put the flames out hoping to save my coat; I was planning to go woo a cavegirl later and wanted to look my best and this fucking yellow, smoky hot thing was fucking up my chances. Anyway, I saw this lump of sabre tooth tiger flesh and decided it might put out the yellow hot thing...I threw it on and what the fuck? It started to cook. It smelled good too.
I flipped it over a few times then when the yellow hot thing died down I pulled it off to rest. It looked tasty and I ripped into it with gusto. Damn it tasted good!
Anyway, that was when I invented yellow hot thing. You’re welcome. Oh, by the way, I decided to call it fire because yellow hot thing didn’t seem to have much of a ring to it.
Anyway, that’s who I was and what I did in a past life. And...Yeah I managed to woo that cavegirl...Here’s a selfie I took that day I invented fire.
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How jean Claude van dam of a selfie that is! That meat always tastes great after the yellow hot thing cooks it up. No more food poisoning and shitting our brains out near the pine trees. That’s right, pine trees so you have to pick your poison to wipe your ass.
Nothing like sitting around a yellow hot thing searing flesh for consumption.
You can keep your pine needle wiling idea though. Sounds torturous.
Ajahahaha. this amused me! Thank you for inventing the fire!
You're welcome. I would be more happy about it if I had patented it and been able to charge royalties for every time someone used it...But I hadn't invented patents yet. I did that in another life. 🙂
Damn, you could have made a fortune if only you invented the Patent on fire.
I lament my inability to do so every day.
Yup it seems it would have been quite a hot product back in the day!
What can I say man, some things just come naturally.
Big mistake!
Sabre Tooth sashimi is actually really good with a sprig of ginger and some soy sauce!
Your past life would have been better spent inventing one of those conveyor belts that could have moved your raw animal carcasses around the cave for all your caveman buddies to eat all at an inflated cost!
Bloody hell! why didn't my non-cognitive caveman brain think of this? Damn it!
Now, many lifetimes later, I really feel like sabre tooth sashimi! Any ideas where I may get one? ...Or is a standard modern-day tiger suitable.
...Oh hang on...This is the wrong sort of tiger...
Any half-decent sushi restaurant will sort you out. Just ask to order off the local menu, nudge nudge, wink wink 😉
Definitely don’t accept any substitutes, it’s sabre tooth or nothing!
I heard there's a good source in the wet-markets of Wuhan in China. Completely virus free, safe as it gets they reckon.
I'm sure there is a conspiracy theory out there somewhere which blames COVID-19 on the illegal sale of sabre tooth tiger meat...
Yeah...Time-travelling animal traffiking. Those Chinese wet-market operators have gone to the next level!
Hahahhaha awesome! You're on fire today, so so cool!
I'm on fire because I invented it in a past life.
I know this story! You had your fully patent-able yellow hot thing, and you were cooking the whole area with it. Literally. Your friends were pretty pissed when you burned out everyone's home and hunting ground, weren't they?
Anyway, one of the boys shows up with a yellow and red hot thing fob China. It's better than yours (bi colored) and your buddy bought it for half the price you could produce the yellow hot thing. It's a tough life. One of many.
Yep, something like that.
This is the exact moment I invented war. I know, you're welcome. 😂
Is it ok to tell you that I like one better than the other? Or is that like choosing your favorite child?
Lol.
Oh, yeah. Your picture reminds me of the song "Werewolves of London"
"... and his hair was perfect."
You were a caveman???
Nahhh! Surely not... You? Seriously???
As one of the few from across the water who seem to grasp my cliched English snarkiness... I shall let you form your own hypothesis from my opening statements... Whoa whoa whoa Galen, old buddy, old friend, there there... Caaaaaaalm down. Use of the phrase "opening statements need not imply I will still be typing this comment one hour from now!
Although I wouldn't risk my heard earned wages by betting against that possibility seeing as though
youI brought it up...History books from incredibly renowned academics are literally peppered with accounts of cavemen getting angry at not having a microwave, it was the mental health epidemic of the time by all accounts.
I bet that
yellow hot thingfire brigades all over the planet are incredibly grateful to you for this extremely useful invention.Without it, what would firing squads have cried out before the final, fateful moment???
Lol...I got to the end of this comment and thought, with a quizzical expression on my cavemanish face, where the fuck is the rest of it?
So...Yeah I'm sure MCM (microwave cooking matters) was a catchphrase back in the caveman days...Or would it be more appropriate to say caveperson?
It seems mental health was also invented that far back...When people felt depressed and mental about the lack of said microwave ownership. Still, I'm sure if they wanted one they wouldn't have just expected to get one, in the way people have the expectation-ethos these days...No! They would have got one the old fashioned way...By going into someone's cave and clubbing them to death and taking theirs! Isn't mankind great? Or should I say personkind.
Just on another note...I almost wish I didn't change the name to fire. It would have been awesome to see people yelling yellow hot thing at firing squads, cannon and gun firings to initiate the
firingyellow hot thinging of the weapon.Perhaps I am learning??? Nope... I don't think so either!
Three cheers for personkind indeed :D For a second it almost sounded like you were about to suggest that our glorious mammalian species had developed an entitlement philosophy. I'm glad you didn't because I would have been forced to declare that as offensive maybe even hate-speech.
Then society would've had the right to silence you and who knows, in this day and age you may have even been yellow hot thinged from your job.
Isn't personking great?
A great time journey in a funny way, I think you created the fire by accident the best thing of all is that you realized that the market was big and you needed to create the microwave, the fire extinguisher and if you were still upset you could have created many more things.
what a pity about the Mammoth skin, thank goodness it was in another life, in this one it was very expensive. a lot of sympathetic aspect in the reading, it becomes entertaining and connects the reader.
That's the good thing about being around before anything is really invented..If a person wants something all they need to do is invent it! 😂
Really fascinating your past life, the fact that you created that fire thing that we like so much today makes you my alpha male.
Since I saw you from afar, your penetrating gaze burned me like the yellow thing you created, you look so good with that Precious hair, and that stale cave smell that turns me on more than the hot yellow thing you know.
Here I am with desire that you lick me and we can cook many beasts so well like us. @galenkp
Hello @galenkp,
Did you forget to tell them the other part of the story? Don't be so modest! Or do you plan to save it for another occasion? Tell them that before inventing fire to cook the poor tiger, by the way, those tusks were long and sharp, you invented the throwing spear with which you killed the animal. You gave up the rights by obligation, the latest innovation back then, the tip was very sharp Obsidian, a pity the patent office had not yet invented.
Thanks for this great initiative.
You're right you know...I forgot to tell the full story.
I did indeed invent the spear but I decided not to patent that as I had not invented the patent. I did that many years later when I also invented the building, computers and office staff to work in the patent office. I was a busy caveman.
You can say that again, my friend. Now in the 21st century, you could file a complaint and claim authorship at the patent office. If they don't believe you, you invite them to take a trip in that time machine full of books and weapons that you keep in the garage.
I knew my time machine would come in handy for something! Proving how I virtually invented everything! Lol.
Don't say it too hard. They could also blame you for the bad in the world. Better leave it here, in ignorance.