I hadn't spoken out loud for weeks; the thought of talking to myself felt strange and the phrase, talking to yourself is the fist sign of madness, always came to mind. Maybe it was, or maybe answering back was the true indicator of madness. I didn't know, and so I remained silent although I'll concede that having someone to talk to, other than myself, seemed appealing, but there was no one else. I was alone. Besides, I was too busy to talk anyway. Staying alive took up a lot of time.
Before
I'd awoken that morning and knew something was different. The sun shined, birds sang, I had electricity, water flowed from taps but...I could hear nothing, no human sounds.
I pushed it aside and went about my day but soon realised something was really wrong. I saw no one, no cars driving, people waiting at bus stops, walking dogs, jogging...Nothing. The roads were strewn with cars, some stationary at traffic lights, some crashed to the side or with each other, half turning corners and I even passed a gas station where a car sat with fuel pouring from the pump-nozzle inside the fuel-filler and onto the ground...But no people. It was like they had simply vanished.
I'd proceeded, working my car around the others on the road. I was confused but gathered my thoughts and instead of going to work drove to the local police station...it was empty. Went to the air force base close by. No one.
I made some calls on my mobile phone but no one answered. I called overseas in different countries to a few I knew would be awake but nothing. After about a half hour I gave up. I returned home and grabbed more appropriate gear: Day bag, tactical vest, handheld walkie talkie, binoculars and the like. I strapped on a handgun and grabbed one of my rifles then went back out. Part of me questioned the need for the firearms but, I'd rather be prepared, I thought.
I was out all day and covered the entire city and surrounds. I found no one moving about, hospitals and nursing homes empty, shops and schools empty and more signs that people had just vanished mid-task. Half-eaten breakfasts, car doors open, garden hoses running, crashed cars, open doors...It seemed to me that between one second and the next people just disappeared.
Moving forward
Eventually the power went out; it hadn't taken long. With no one running power plants they ceased to produce electricity. Running water lasted a little longer due to residual pressure in pipework and the fact no one was using any, but it too failed. Life became harder. There was no easy way to do anything: No refrigeration, no electricity or gas flow for cooking, water storage became a priority as did food collection. I'd worked out a schedule for my days and weeks and worked like clockwork from sunup to so sundown. I worked to survive and the work helped me occupy my mind away from the people I'd lost - My loved ones.
I'd make trips to the supermarkets for supplies selecting items with the nearest expiry dates first. I devised water storage techniques and collected water purifying devices and chemicals for the future.
Early on I'd spend whole days pumping fuel out of service station pumps for use down the track knowing the power would go out. I'm glad I did that as I'm still mobile now. I gathered electrical components and batteries and worked to devise solar collector systems so I had power moving forward. This was difficult for me as I'd had little experience with electrical systems but a trip to the library helped and I managed to rig up a reasonable system that delivers power. Of course, I gathered diesel-powered generators to get me through initially and that gained me the ability to run a fridge at home. It hadn't taken long to get things a little organised and to work around the challenges.
I was always busy and I'd often think back to my life before and how busy I thought I was back then. I had so much to do but it was nothing compared to now. So much rested on my actions and decisions; my life depended on it.
Later
I wasn't coping well. I missed people. It was an odd thought to have considering I'd lived my life before largely avoiding them where possible. I missed my loved ones, my girl. I've not spoken much about them more and more. I missed anyone in truth. I'd attempted to find people but there was never a response. I'd scoured the city and greater metropolitan area quite early and since ranged out deep into the countryside and never found a soul. When the internet and phone communications went out after a few days I ceased ceased trying.
I tried to do smart things but it was difficult to know what they were. I'd always been a prepared person and had skills but sometimes I wondered whether what I did was clever, showed foresight or was just plain stupid. Everything was different now and what made sense before often made none now.
Early on I thought I'd show compassion so entered houses and let dogs and cats out so they wouldn't die from not being fed in their yards. I did the same at the zoo letting all the animals out. Most died as they were not suited to the location and were not cared for by keepers. Some lived and I see them from time to time. The dogs I released fought with each other over food and now only the strongest of them survive and I don't go anywhere unarmed after having been attacked once. I wonder if it would have been best to leave them all locked up to die.
I thought about leaving the city but discarded the idea as I have all I need to survive here. I've created a castle of sorts combining my home with the neighbours having taken fences out between the properties. I use several yards for vegetable gardens and the houses themselves as warehouses for my ever expanding stockpile of everything and I have a comfortable existence. If I moved now I'd have to start from scratch. Besides I enjoy my trips into the city for supplies, to go to the library and all and when I go on country trips it's like a holiday.
Decay
I've watched everything around me crumble and decay.
The planet is slowly erasing humankind and it's been fascinating to watch the progress. I remember reading a book called, The world without us by Alan Weisman, several years ago. In it he applies science to describe what would happen if humans ceased to exist from one second to the next and how long it would take the planet to erase us and go back to normal. I didn't know it at the time that I'd be living it myself.
Plants push up and destroy roads, and pavements, domestic gardens become jungles, or die completely, the animals come back, the air is clear of smog and haze, buildings fall apart, metal rusts and is reclaimed...Everything decays - and if I'm honest it's happening to me also.
I'm in peak physical condition although I have a persistent toothache that pains me. I'm self-medicating with pills from a pharmacy but it's not helping the problem, just masking the pain. My body is hard though, tanned as clothing is optional when there's no one else around, and I'm very fit...But, I'm not really ok at all.
I talk to myself a lot and lately I've been answering. Out loud. I know I'm doing it and that it's not healthy but I can't seem to stop.
Should I do this or that, I'd say out loud whilst pondering a dilemma, problem or choice, then find myself responding with the answers or possible solutions. I laughed the first time recalling the self-arguments Gollum from Lord of the Rings would have with himself but I'm not laughing anymore. Well, maybe one of me is but I'm not sure which one of me it is.
I don't really know who I am anymore.
Argument
Why don't you just do it. The voice was familiar; it was my own. I didn't know how it knew everything, my inner thoughts, fears, desires...it even knew this.
It's not my way, I answered emphatically but rather unconvincingly I guess.
Ha! Well why do you have that gun to your head, the voice challenged.
I lowered my arm and saw the Sig Sauer P226 in my hand wondering how it got there.
I...I don't know, I stammered. I'm...lonely and afraid.
End it. No one is coming back, it's been years. It's just you for the rest of time and look at you, talking to yourself, so set in your ways, following the same routine every day...Your piteous crying at night - I can't stand it. End it. The voice, my voice, was brutal.
It's not my way, but it sounded hollow as soon as I said it.
What do you have to live for? What is life? You call toiling away all day life? You call those hours you spend looking at photos of her life? She's gone, who knows where. They all are. Take that gun and blow your brains out, it's the only way.
It...it doesn't seem right. All the effort I've gone to...it...My voice trailed off as I struggled for the words. Maybe I am the last but it doesn't feel right to leave like this, so abruptly. The remnants of humankind decay around me and me, the last human, decays also. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be...The final decline of humans, the last slow fall into oblivion. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be and I'm the one who has to witness it to the end.
But that gun in your hand, my other voice pointed out.
I looked at it once more and realised the voice, myself, had made a good point. A simple pull of the trigger and it would be over.
I remember thinking about doing it a few years ago. I'd been looking at that picture of my girl and...I didn't want to be here without her anymore. But there was something in her eyes that stayed my hand; they reminded me of what she'd said once, about me being strong, resolute and steadfast, that she loved my persistence and tenacity and the way I faced adversity and never compromised - She said she felt safe because of it.
I'm staying. I said it with conviction and felt something move inside myself, a ripple or maybe shockwave describes it better. It's like my statement hit home. I waited for my own retort. Silence.
I unloaded the gun and stood...There was work to do...and it seemed I'd remain...for another day at least.
[Fiction]
This post is in response to topic two of the #weekend-engagement (WE86) topic post.
Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default - Tomorrow isn't promised so be humble and kind
The image is mine
Probably worth taking a week or two to tame the tigers at the zoo.
Feed them other animals until they love you. Solves the wild dog problem. Also great for warmth, guard duty and company. Also, if you run out of food for them, the should I just end it all? problem gets solved pretty quick.
One can always rely upon you for awesome advice and wisdom. If an apocalyptic situation arises we need to pool our resources.
Go to the Jade, have a pint, and wait for this all to blow over.
Lol. Seems like a robust plan.
This was a very Appealing topic. I like how you did this. I think sanity would eventually have a very good possibility of leaving. If you could count on electricity, you could watch all kinds of movies until the end of time- if the could still be streamed or you could go with DVD. Then, I think about the break down of services and when gas would go bad and how quickly you would really not have many modern co sciences anymore. Expiration dates make things tricky too.
If you got in some kind of accident, all it takes is an infection to take you out. There are so many variables. I was thinking about food too. You need to grow it, but also the leftover stuff in McDonald's will never expire-ha! Also, a lifetime of twinkies is also all but guaranteed. Do they ever go bad??
I read an interesting book called "1 second After". It was about life 1 second after an EMP. Fiction and enjoyable enough. There was a sequel called 1 Year Later. I didn't lime it as much, but I have a soft spot for Dystopian novels.
Thank you, I enjoyed writing this.
I'm a prepared man however one can only be so prepared. In this case...Well, with only one person on the planet things would revert quite quickly to times past and the creature-comforts we enjoy now would all mostly disappear. Just getting a refrigerator to work, having the power to do so, (making it oneself) would be a challenge. I only touched on the aspect of it and you added another. Illness, infections, cold and flu...One would need to self-administer and if you've ever had a strong fever you will know how hard it is to function. Now imagine slipping with a knife and severing a tendon in a hand. It's probably a life-threatening injury on most cases. So much worse could happen and I tried to allude to it with the dogs and the tooth thing. Then the emotional situation of being isolated forever...Sounds good now, but I think it would become quite an emotional strain.
As a man with skills, prepared and all, I've thought about most of this before, planned for it, had many conversations around it with like-minded people...And one thing we all agree on is that so many people who count themselves as prepared are not, especially for the emotional strain and pressure. Add in the possible need to defend oneself with violence (in a situation where there are other people) and I think you'll find most are ill-prepared. Most don't even have an emergency plan for a home-invasion situation in a modern society in which that event happens daily.
Anyway, probably a discussion for around the camp fire...Thanks for your comment.
Awesome! I think you would really enjoy the book the earth abides. The main character (though there are still some other people) follows pretty much the same ideas as you, it's a very good book
Thanks Plinty me mate! Lol.
I had a lot of fun writing this one today. It's pretty bleak and I didn't add in all the stuff I wanted just to keep it short, but it was fun all the same.
The way your walk us through this imagination was making me feel like i was already in solitary decay myself. You did good to have survived like that for years before bringing a gun to your head, and I'm glad you didn't put an end to the last hope planet earth would had left.
Yes, indeed...Fortunately this was only a fictional story. In real life...Well, there'd be no one to read it.
I always like reading apocalyptic stories.
The conflict and struggle with oneself is probably quite accurate to what would happen to a person and would probably be the hardest part of the situation. Humans are a social animals so I don't think that most people would do well completely on their own for an extended period of time. It becomes increasingly hard to move forward if there is no meaning or purpose to one's life. Giving up would be easy.
I don't think a person could truly comprehend the impact of a solitary life like that without actually being in it; I think it would be quite a bleak situation to have to deal with. A situation like this is unlikely, the solitary situation I mean. It's more likely there'd be others, and probably that would would make it more dangerous. We know how humans can be after all. It would also bring other challenges like the need to protect oneself and others...And therefore the need for violence and dealing with killing. There's so many moving parts to situations like this huh?
Yes definitely many challenges - physical, psychological, emotional...etc.
I love reads like this. Good thinking on alot of the stuff like the petrol on the tanks. It would be crazy having to start from scratch although without a zombie apocalypse, I wouldn't mind heading to the city for a browse around.🤣🤣
Yeah, it makes for some interesting chats around the campfire if you get he right people there. In a situation like this there are so many things people would not think of and I simply couldn't put everything in this post- I knew it would be long enough as it was. Still, I got a few things in and hope that I conveyed the mental aspect well enough. Thanks for your comment. :)
Is talking out loud to oneself a sign of madness?
Before I get to that, I wasn't expecting the story you brought us. It's a very interesting thought experiment when set in a situation you described. No humans, though still animals alive. A few years ago I was watching this series about what will happen with our planet earth when no humans would be around anymore. The decaying of whatever was human-made, and nature taking control again. Trees, plants, animals coming into our cities. Very interesting to watch and even more to think about and maybe learn from it and where we can or want, take action in our current life.
But what about this 'talking out loud to one self'?
From time to time, sometimes more often than at other times, I talk out loud to myself. Am not sure if I'm on the brink of madness; I don't think so but I let the peeps in my circles be the judge of that :) Talking out loud to oneself helps me to push myself to do something or to change something, basically, it helps me to get this extra push, a better push than when I would talk to myself without using my voice. In times when I feel too stressed, have deadlines that seem to be too short into the future, giving myself a pep talk with some out loud messages, helps me to relieve the stress and continue with whatever I need to do, task by task.
Sometimes in the past, I was reading some article claiming something truly interesting: Talking out loud to oneself is a sign of intelligence. The article was essentially stating that peeps talking out loud to themselves tend to score better in intelligence tests. I don't remember anymore if this was just the IQ part, or also included the EQ part. Never researched this further. I guess too much to research still on all sorts of other topics, hence not taking the time for this one. That said, I truly like the idea explained in this article. Sometimes I mentioned this when someone else comments when they hear me talk out loud to myself. Seems this happens more than a few times with colleagues when in phone calls whilst trying to work together on some document. This sometimes leads to funny situations. They must think I'm on the brink of madness.
I talk to myself all the time, positive self-talk is an important part of motivation I think. In the case of my story, well, it's just a story and I needed a way to introduce the wanting to blow one's head off with a gun thing. Not having decent coffee is almost reason enough, but I chose to go in another direction.
Thanks for your comment.
😂😂😂
Euhm, when that is on your mind, be careful! But I suppose, the writing is therapeutical 🙇 {😂😂😂}
It was just a fiction, I'm not thinking of taking one of my guns, placing it to my head and blowing my brains out...But my coffee was a little on the disappointing side this morning...
oops 😂
I thought I was reading the script from the movie I Am Legend for a moment lol. I think the loneliness and social isolation would be the hardest to cope with for sure. Let’s hope we don’t see this situation happening!
Yeah, I agree that the isolation, whilst maybe nice at first, would wear a person down eventually. There's so many things I've not added into this post to keep it short, but it was still fun to write.
Truly a post worthy of applause, I really like how you developed the whole story and moreover you were right in giving the example of Alan Weisman's book.
Thank you, I enjoyed writing it. I don't often write posts about my WE topics but this week I couldn't resist. I'm glad you liked it.
This did it for me though. Once i read these lines, I got hooked completely on the entire story till the very end.
Oh my God this is was so brilliant!
I absolutely love first person stories like this one. You've truly painted an apocalyptic picture here that manages to be both thought provoking and mysterious as well. As i read this, I couldn't help but think "How did the world end? And why is this guy the last man standing?.."
Your use of imagery here is quite Masterful. There are so many scenes in this fiction that played well with my imagination. For example when the fuel poured out from the pump-nozzle(good thing the narrator wasn't smoking), when the narrator released those animals from the zoo(Aw, at least he has a heart) and when he almost committed suicide(I'll be very frank, that part made me feel so much anxiety).
Great story again bud! As expected from a great story writer. I really did enjoy reading this!
Thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it. I enjoyed writing this one and whilst there's so much left our I think I added a few elements to make the reader understand the situation and desperation the fellow felt. I like writing stuff like this and really appreciate when people give me feedback.
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