Hi, guys!
For the first time in a long time I write a post from the village, and I don’t know at all what I will talk about. Usually I have an idea, but today the day did not work out in the morning, and I'm in a terrible mood, which is not conducive to writing about something positive. Although my blog is not really positive, it is just an honest blog about the life of an artist with a severe mental disorder.
And yet, I have a habit of trying to tune in to a good mood in any case, so now I will try to do this right in the process of writing a publication.
Usually I ask myself a question. What now can relieve my condition and improve my mood? One of the things that could do this is not available to me right now. The fact is that for a week now I have to donate blood for the concentration of lithium, but I just can’t do it. It’s just that my daily routine has moved forward again, I go to bed very late and, accordingly, wake up very late. And you need to come and donate blood before 11 o'clock in the morning. With my current schedule, this is an almost impossible task.
But I still need to do this, because on Thursday I will have a meeting with a doctor, at which I would like to give a number, the amount of lithium in the blood, so that we can understand whether it needs to be raised or lowered. Unfinished business is terribly annoying.
This is one small point, and it turns out that today I can no longer fix it. So we need to focus on others. I woke up almost unable to walk, which means that today sports or a walk to cheer up are not available to me. However, with regard to walks, I deceive myself, convincing me that they cheer me up. No, it's actually true, but it's not from my love for them.
In fact, recently I thought about how much and in what exactly I deceive myself, trying to prove to myself that I like and enjoy something, although in reality I don’t. True, here I have to differentiate where depression speaks in me, and what really does not make sense to me.
For example, for many years I was literally obsessed with cleanliness and order in the house. This took a huge amount of time, and much more was done than was actually necessary. Then I realized that it was just an attempt to control what I can control, while I cannot control my mental disorder. When I realized this, I began to apply this method more consciously. For example, I need to calm down - well, I will find a place in the house that really needs attention, and in this way I will kill two criminals at once. But I stopped cleaning every day desperately.
Now I am looking for something of my own, something that could support me at any point in my life. So far, I have not yet found such an occupation, but I am striving for this. Hope it shows up sooner or later :)
See you in the next post!
Love, Inber