I used to call you "mama" - I have a keepsake of that which lies next to you right now mom.
There is no easy way in which to kick this post off the ground, because my entire world feels void of light at this point in time. I feel like a child staring at a pile of Autumn leaves and simply no inspiration to kick them about. As I sit here writing this to all of you, my mom’s last chapter is approaching its end. I have been overwhelmed with love and messages from so many of you (which I will get to mentioning in just a bit) but there really is nothing… NOTHING at all that can fill the inevitable emptiness which has already arrived and the looming reality of more of is approaching.
I am losing my best friend. I am ill prepared for this. She was supposed to be invincible. Forever present. Every single time I have gone to see her this week, the harshness of this reality has knocked me down like a tidal wave, sucker punched me in the gut and ripped my heart from my chest. I know her mind is there as she squeezes my hand and opens her eyes widely in response to certain words spoken… but our times together are gone. No more Thursday dinners, giggles over wine, sharing recipes, gardening fun and “grannies love” for my little man.
I do not know how to navigate this ship anymore. I truly do feel lost at sea.
Yesterday – Thursday, was OUR day… as many of you already know. Every Thursday my mom and I alternated dinners. We would catch up with what had happened in our week, cook together, listen to all our favourite tunes and drink too much wine! It was the one day of the week that we both REALLY looked forward to! So yesterday I walked into the hospice with two plastic wine glasses, a bottle of alcohol free champagne and the intention of celebrating our Thursday at least one more time. “Mom, do you know what day it is?” I asked. – “What day is it?” she mustered her response. “It is THURSDAY mom… OUR DAY!!! And we are going to celebrate it together” I told her as I showed her the champagne bottle and glasses. “Is it allowed?!” she managed to bellow… to which I responded, “yes mom… I got permission, and it is just grape juice.” I poured our glasses and placed hers in her grasp as I held it steady. We said cheers and even in her weakness she attempted to take a sip, but I explained that she needn’t…. it was simply for the “thought” of it.
I don’t think there is anything in life that can prepare you for the loss of a parent. We are four siblings and as much we are here to support one another throughout this process, we ALL have our own road of processing to travel. It was such an unexpected snowstorm… truth be told, we are all still trying to find our feet.
Some of you may have crossed paths with my mom @lizziesworld – and if there was one thing in this world that she wished for ALL… it was love, peace and happiness. She always told me “my darling, as my daughter – it is going to be up to you to keep this family together”. I am learning that all the important stuff that truly matters is left to us girls.
It is for that reason that I am sitting here now, writing this. My mother, Elizabeth Anne – taught me, through her own actions, that no matter WHAT is burdening you… no matter what knocks you down to your knees, you stand up – dust those knees off and get on with life – with LOVE!!!!!!! Never in my life, have I met a person overflowing with so much humility. Small in stature, but GREAT in spirit!
I know that if my mom could speak to me right now, she would be telling me to “get on with it” and as much as I don’t want to, as much as it fucking pains me to even THINK of existing happily without her, I am going to do my UTMOST to do it… because I know it is what she wants, not only “for me – but for ALL of us that she held close to her heart.
So here I am – writing to you. Letting you all know, that I intend to get back on this fucking horse, despite the fact that “disappearing into nothingness” seems a lot easier at this point.
I may need your help though.
Speaking of which, I would like to just say thank you to those of you that have reached out to me. I would make a tag list, but I am bound to forget many important gestures from amazing people… but Despite my lack of response, I want you ALL to know that I feel so very blessed to have people like you in my life!
In my own time, I endeavour to get PHC back to what it was, and to find my own feet in this place once again. Starting with my “track of the week” – which will go out today, be it late. Better late than never….
and speaking of which... a song in the spirit of my moms entire life sentiment... RISE UP!
❤❤❤
Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea
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So so sorry...
So sorry to hear about your mom. I know how you feel, my mom was my best friend also .
She left us 14 years ago and still not a day goes by without thinking of her. talking to her, she is my angel.
It will take time, but all those beautiful memories of her will replace the sorrow with joy. Be patient, be strong for your son, be kind to yourself ❤️
Time in hospice can be very happy and loving. May her transition, and yours, be joyous. She truly will always be with you. xo
A warm hug from Venezuela, @jaynie. I know these moments are hard, no matter how much we're told it's the normal course of life and that everything will be ok, in due time.
My mother is like that, she's still with me and we are very close (although the pandemic separates us now). When we have been blessed with beautiful strong mothers , it is hard to imagine anything but our lives with them, always present, always near, always guiding.
I'm sure what your mother built around all of you is strong enough to keep your family together. Her teachings and her memory will become stronger as time goes by.
Be strong (She'll help you with that). We are lucky to have been able to share through you the wonderful relationship you had, something many of us can only dream of.
She's so sweet and being loved. I can tell from those words that how much you love her missed her. It's hard to rise uo now right away. It's painful like you never want to move. But that's not what your mom wanted.
She teached you with fruitful words so I think it's very clear that you must keep on forward.
By the way there will always time in PHC. Consider of reminiscing first you had with her.
take care jaynie
From across the world, all my love and prayers go out to you, your mom, your family. Thank you for sharing Jaynie. I could almost feel this post was coming. 😞
I am sorry to hear that... unfortunately, we humans are here on borrowed time. These bodies are so flimsy and won't last very long.
The ones we love are just as weak as us... and we must accept that someday we all will be gone.
Hopefully our spirits will be together again, once this ride is over. That's all I can hope for. I refuse to believe that death is the end of the journey.
Love from Texas for you and your family @jaynie tough times for sure. Luv ya ❤️ 🙏
💔🥺😔💜
Our Mother is one of the best Teacher and no one can ever replace her.
Lots of Love and healing energies for your family in these trying times @jaynie 💚
So sad to hear this updates. Sending love to all of you, take care.
You are such a strong person.... I hope you will sail through these hard times. All my good vibes sending to you🤗
The memories you both shared will stay forever. It's a shame to see a loved one go, but one thing is for sure by your love for her - she lived a great life
Agonizing days, thoughts on a perpetual roller coaster, you wish you could stop and turn the tide back.
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.Sending all my love and prayers to you and your family.
Life can be so hard sometimes but try and look at the good times and memories and of those you have many. I am so sorry for you and your family. Good luck.
I love beautiful photos loaded with fantastic energy @jaynie
Tears in our eyes as I read this aloud to my best friend and wife, who lost her mom ten years ago near mothers day here.
We currently are sitting in the parking lot of this animal hospital in Gainesville, FLA. USA. awaiting word on if we are going to lose one of our fur babies.
Your post puts things into perspective. We are just along for the ride in this life. I feel so helpless when I realize that the loss is unstoppable. Pick ourselves up we must. Others depend on us. So we must.
Our Thoughts are with You this weekend... Sending Hive Love.!
Sending you much love.
Hi Jaynie
My thoughts and prayers go out to you - sincerely. Having lost a mother, and best friend like you and your mom some 31 years ago I still feel her with me. I'm sad when she is not here to share a special moment with me but I know she is with me in spirit - she will always be there no matter what, until the precious time when the Lord comes again and we all re-unite on those streets of gold. God bless you and your whole family and give you all a supernatural strength.
Oh dear sweet beautiful @jaynie, I’m so sorry. I do know. Have been there. It just hurts so deep and so wide. There is no filling that gaping hole that is left by the time you had with her. May she rest well and be at peace as she transitions on to whatever beautiful next Place awaits her - a lovely garden, I hope, with angels all around, and wine on Thursdays. She will be a guardian angel to you and Jude, I’m sure. Sending you love and hope and strength.
Nothing will prepare you for this and having lost my parents a month from each other and my husband I can only say that nothing that people will say will make you feel better, but the only thing is to hold on to memories and God and not go the what if road, And give yourself time to heal... there is no time limit for feeling sad. I wish I had some wise words, because it sucks, all I can say is I am so sorry and I will hold you all in my prayers.