The onion is the most flavored food that grows — George Washington
The onion is God's greatest gift to mankind.
Every single day you wolf down onions, even while vehemently disclaiming their existence. They are in virtually every food product that has any flavor whatsoever: many seasoned chips, most dips and salad dressings, ketchup, bouillon, a majority of soup recipes, and are the starring ingredient in that giant stack of fatty, fried goodness you salivate over before a restaurant meal.
Eat pizza? You like onions. Spaghetti with marinara sauce? You're a closet onion lover. Snyder's Honey Mustard and Onion Pretzel Pieces? You live for onions
Personally, if it weren't considered abnormal by a parochial society existing in the drudgery of repetitiveness, I'd crunch one down in open public like an apple. Hell, George Costanza from Seinfeld does that very thing here.
After being notified by Elaine as to what he's doing, he concurs, nods in acknowledgement, and takes yet another delicious bite. He probably went back to his apartment, huddled greedily over his precious quarry, and sang to it like Gollum from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers does to his meal in this scene.
I'd eat onion ice cream, Cap'n Crunch with Onions, and even slather up with Drakkar N'Onion cologne, were some chemical genius to invent it. If our flag had a Maui Onion emblazoned proudly within the stars, I'd salute it with a manly tear in my eye. If civil unions with Walla Walla Sweets were recognized in more than just Alabama and Mississippi, I'd marry one.
They are simply that good.
The onion and literature
Julia Child once wrote, "It's hard to imagine a society without onions." French writer Raymond Dumay famously penned,
"The onion offers always, and especially in winter, a little of the springtime of the soil."
Even the best-selling work of all time — the collective editions of The Holy Bible, with an estimated six billion copies sold — references God's gift as follows:
"We remember the fish, which we did eat in Egypt freely; the cucumbers, and the melons, and the leeks, and the onions, and the garlic." (Numbers, 11:5).
Don't let the mind-numbingly tedious remainder of Numbers fool you — God is practically ordering you to eat onions.
The onion and masculinity
Generally, a standard martini is considered a bit of a pretentious drink, typically ordered by snot-nosed suits in a transparent attempt to fit in with the rest of the yuppies. It fails in part because the martini glass has a clearly v-shaped silhouette, subliminally evoking the pagan sacred feminine.
Such imagery serves to emulate the Sex and the City gal pals' favorite cocktail: the Cosmopolitan. The metaphorical icing on the cake is the olive floating within its midst, amplifying the drink's intrinsic femininity.
The mere substitution of the vile olive with the ethereal onion, on the other hand, negates its trendy feminism in one fell swoop by instantly transforming it into the Gibson, the most rugged, manly drink in the history of the universe. First, the name: Kirk Gibson hit one of the studliest game-winning home runs in World Series history. Bob Gibson was a flame-throwing Hall of Fame pitcher, Josh Gibson a similarly-enshrined Negro League catcher.
Think of him what you will, but Mel Gibson's movies almost always involve guns, explosions, and general mayhem. Second, the role models: when ladykiller Cary Grant drinks it, you know it's manly. Same with Bette Davis.
The onion and pop culture
The Onion is a satirical publication and self-described "news network", visited online by millions every month. There is no popular site named The Steak, The Quarter Pounder with Cheese, or The Denny's Super Bird, because they just don't have the same degree of ubiquitous awesomeness the onion possesses.
Likewise, the long-running Simpsons show pays homage to nature's greatest miracle here and here.
Summary
It's not possible to overstate the importance of onions in our society. George Washington, smirking every single day within your wallet, recognized this truism. Don't just eat them; revel in all their wondrous, mammary-simulating, life-sustaining beauty.
Call upon Coke or Pepsi to introduce onion-flavored drink products, Betty Crocker to create a bold, new 21st century frosting iteration, and urge your legislature to follow Alabama and Mississipi's brave leadership toward a redefined version of marriage.
Admit it. You love onions. It just took a little religious awakening to realize it.
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