I was talking with a friend the other day that I am becoming increasingly insecure, even in areas where previously I was quite confident in my skills due to experience and feedback. What I find interesting about it is that there are many people who are confident despite lack of experience and feedback pointing to incompetence. Is it delusional confidence or is it a strategy that helps them navigate their shortcomings and helps them overcome?
The other thing I find interesting about it, is how a lack of confidence in one area can lead to profound effects on other areas. For example, I have a friend who is highly skilled in their field, but also very self-conscious of being quite overweight. While she tries to lean into her skillset, obtrusive thoughts about her weight come in any time she facing any kind of situation she deems as negative, like getting professional feedback on some of her ideas. She can't help feel it is "about her weight" even when it most likely has nothing to do with it at all.
"If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail"
Because her own weight is constantly at the forefront of her mind, it has become her hammer, her lens through which she views everything. When things go well she feels she has overcome despite her weight, and when they don't, she has failed due to her weight. It doesn't really matter what the subject is, pretty much everything is anchored to her weight insecurities, which is why body image is so important, but also something that we should severely limit in importance.
But it is our focal image about anything that is going to become our lens, whether it be our financial position, the colour of our skin, our education, our perception of beauty, our height, or a million other possible points. We accept that for instance, there is such a things as "Napoleon Complex" where short men overcompensate for their stature with aggressive, domineering and overly ambitious behaviour - though Napoleon was actually of average height for his time. Yet, pretty much anything can become a complex and how it "presents" in an individual can vary a great deal.
While I have never been very confident as a whole, I have been confident in some aspects of my life, but have had those same areas impacted heavily by external influences. For example, when I was young I had a lot of confidence in my physical abilities, but through chronic illness at 16, I became bedridden within a few months - taking away any confidence I had. But at least I had my mental prowess, only to lose that due to a stroke five years ago.
This is what has been leeching my confidence heavily.
At the same time though, there are people who are supremely confident even though they don't have close to the abilities I currently have. They just don't care. Yet, I question whether it is a better life to be confidence without warrant under a dunning-Kruger effect, or be somewhat insecure and understand limitations. From moment to moment my intuition tells me it is better to be confident, but then I also see some very confident people continually getting themselves into trouble because they don't view the reality of a situation and align poorly in behaviour.
What about you?
Are you generally confident in yourself, or generally insecure? I think that I have moved from somewhat confident down to somewhat insecure, and I notice it impacting on my thoughts and behaviours, where I spend a lot more effort interrogating decisions that in the past would have been made far more easily, especially when they carry low cost of failure. I assume being extremely insecure would be quite debilitating and while it might present as aggression, I suspect it would more likely result in self-exclusion instead. A bit like my friend who avoids any activity where she feels she may be judged on her physical abilities, even with friends.
Is it important at all?
I am interested to hear what your relationship with confidence has been so far, and some of the reasons for changing dynamics and shifts over time. What do you think is valuable about being confident or not, and how do you think an individual can best utilise it in their daily life.
Taraz
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The amount of time it took me to select "neutral" is a clear indicator that I never thought about it, until now. Personally, I think, I am a kind of "understand limitation" guy. There are fields of my expertise, interest actually, where I am extra confident. But still, conscience about it, because one wrong step, and it will be causing me mental breakdown. Take literature as an example, last week I was presenting my pov on Kafka line, "A dead son is better than the failed son." I came up with a strong argument and was well prepared, but somehow, when majority went against my perspective, I lost whole of my confidence. It's been four-days now, and I am still scared to go again. Although, I know it is not like they wanted to belittle me, but still, the over confidence part make me feel this way.
Moreover, there are fields - take snooker as an example - where I am just mid. And, in this perspective, if I know my opponent's is strong; I have already lost, especially because of my confidence.
That, maybe, is the reason behind my neutral confidence.
Plus one more point: "million other possible points", are the real deal. Although, I hate to be externally influenced, but being a human, I cannot escape it all the time. So yeah, the points play a significant role in our everyday life.
(Btw, thanks for bringing this up, I really need to think deeply about this confidence thing. Maybe, my choice will change later on :)
You argued a dead son is better? I would too. I think the counter-argument from the other people would look at death as a failure without knowing what was attempted, and failure as a learning experience, without considering that the failed son may not have attempted anything at all.
Or maybe we can become more aware of where our confidence in one thing is a strength, over-confidence a weakness, and insecurity a feature.
I used to be confident. Not overly confident. Just confident. I knew my job and if I didn't have the answers I knew how or who to go to for the answers. Now? Not so much. I feel a little lost. Kind of like the astronaut floating freely in space sometimes.
Without the beautiful view unfortunately. From up there, the earth looks great, and the emptiness calming.
I believe, as I am getting old, I have increased my insecurities in some areas but also increased my confidence in others. So I would say I am in a neutral position.
I consider my insecurities growth due to aging and lack of the physical condition I used to have. My confidence growth comes from learning many new skills (most of them way more physical than skills I have learned and developed in the past) after I bought the farm and decided to get quite involved in in the renovation of the building.
Isn't it kind of funny that most of us have been told to "get educated" for a good life, but a good life tends to come from pretty physical activities which most avoid now?
I was always quite insecure but when I started to suffer from depression and anxiety my insecurities increases now I almost think I'm totally a disaster in everything I done especially after I've tried two jobs and I was not selected, I'll probably need to believe more in myself and my capacities but actually I feel like I don't have a single capacity or skill. Damn depression. But I noticed too that some people with poor skill feel very confident and I'm envious of thir way to perceive their self.
Hey, it is 11% unemployment in Finland - missing two jobs is a normal week. ;/
How I see depression is, there are still things to be done, so I have to do them regardless how I feel. It doesn't make me happier or get rid of depression, but it doesn't keep me sliding deeper into it.
I ended up picking "somewhat insecure" after thinking about this way too hard XP as while I'm "somewhat to very confident" in some aspects (only just hit that in work finally yay, and with most of the art stuff I get up to) I'm "somewhat insecure" in everything else but what happens happens I guess.
This is what you are meant to do!
I wish I was more confident in some areas.
About everything? That gets really stressful when I have to make a quick decision XD
at least I apparently do a good impression of being confident when making a quick decision to other people, I'm eternally anxious at home
The confidence may build back up again over time. It could also be a case of faking it forever (I do that with a lot of things and I don't know if it's good or bad but it's definitely a coping mechanism and I consider it better if the alternative is to actively avoid making any decision at all ever because you're a nervous wreck).
I consider myself very confident. In my experience women like confidence, though my wife tells me that I am overconfident even in areas where my confidence is not warranted because I don't know much about medical stuff for example, but I still speak with so much confidence that it appears that I am an expert.
I think it comes from growing up and knowing that I can take on pretty much anyone no matter their size. And I had confidence from good looks I had in the past. And later knowing that I am financially secure. So I really never had any reason to feel not confident.
Yes, as long as that is not all there is :)
What do you think would rock your confidence?
I am not sure what would rock my confidence at this point. Loosing everything perhaps?
It depends. Sometimes it's my age - I just feel OLD and thus this percieved lack of authority, especially as a woman - that's a whole thing you dont need to worry about. And it depends on the situation - I'm never confident with strangers or at parties. I do put on a confident face though - no one actually believes I'm not confident at all! I'm very good at pretending - you have to be, as a teacher.
Nah, as a foreigner it is something I have to worry about too. Different - but similar.
I have this too. I believe that "introvert" is a role people play. They can play extravert too.
I'm the play it safe guy, so I would definitely not like to be overly confident. I think it would get me into way too much trouble. I already tend to put my foot in my mouth as it is. I can't imagine if I were cocky too!
I do this too, though I tend to get away with a fair bit here because whatever I say comes with a lot of humour, even when I get it wrong :)
I'm sure your charming nature plays a part too.
I don’t know if it’s better to live in the bubble of blind certainty or out in the open amidst my constant anxieties; I only know that, like you, I keep walking, carrying doubt on my shoulders—today, with more pauses, yes, but still walking.
Lots of doubts creeping in and there doesn't seem to be much stability on the horizon.
When I start doubting myself, I read my past posts on Hive. Two years ago, I transferred Hive to HBD. Seven months ago, I shorted BTC. 25 days ago, I went long for the first time in BTC. And I think it's still worth believing in myself.
All of your confidence is tied to trading?
No.
I like this sentence but bot everytime we should think this, hammer isn't always used to press nails.
Sometimes all you need is just a bit of motivation.
How is it working out for you and how do other people great you because of it?
I guess I told you earlier in your some other post, I give myself motivation by giving myself treat like a dinner or some outing at some mind relaxing places, this gives me positive energy and confidence.
Do you need to collaborate with people?
Absolutely yes, at some points I need a person to get the things easier. But most of the times I don't ask for help from people because they can take credit in future for help which I don't like anyway.
This sounds like severe insecurity though.
Hmm, that might be.
Confidence is good but I think self-awareness matter most,I would rather grow honestly than be blindly over confidence.
But, would being insecure hold you back from growing?
I find detaching myself helps.
I am at a stage of life, where if someone calls me confident or meek, I don't really give a damn! I am just trying to go through my days happy and productive. Also my productivity is not measured in my day job or by my boss (I don't give a damn!). Mine is measured if I am productive within myself.
That's my metric
Yeah, confidence for me is internal, and I am losing mine. Don't care what others think of me in this regard.
I think this is a good way to do it. Feelings aren't that important, but they do tend to still influence our abilities. I have a harder time regulating as well as managing them now, and feel more affected in my various task lists. The hardest thing is doing what I know I need to do, without even a fraction of motivation.
I have set mine lower now, since I go to the gym 6 times a week and it doesn't count toward walking much :D
Start learning Finnish :)
I have tried for 23 years :)
Hmm personally, I think it's more situational. In familiar areas I can be confident, but in foreign areas I am less confident. But as a whole, I think my general confidence is slightly below average (because it seems like people around me generally have more confidence in my abilities than myself most of the time), despite that, I think it's at a higher level compared to when I was younger.