I did not fully understand the roots of my illness, except when I lay down on the couch of a psychiatrist and began treatment sessions. Until then, I considered myself a woman of no morality and sexually decadent. After many years of torment, I finally dared to consult a specialist. This is my story as I told him: It
all began when I was 15, and I found myself very interested in everything related to sex even non-pornography. The mere suggestion of physical contact was very much like a picture in a magazine or a scene on television or even a conversation I was hearing and I found myself in a state of extreme excitement that forced me to masturbate in the evening in my bed out of sight.
Some may say that it is normal for teenagers, but in my case, it was the beginning of a long journey that escalated over time. My only hope was to search for everything that could satisfy my fantasies. The only solution was, of course, moving from fantasy to execution and starting the temptation stage. My first experience was with a classmate of mine at school, having stolen it from my girlfriend because he was handsome and resembled one of the heroes of a famous television series. I did not care if he was taken or that I had caused grief for a woman close to me, but it increased my determination to get him. But he did not refuse me, because unlike my girlfriend I was willing to do anything with him. We put the love on the back seat of his car and then anywhere we found suitable, so that I bored him and decided to leave him. He was very upset with me and ran to tell everyone what happened between us and became the focus of the whole school talk and of course I lost my friend who decided not to deal with me again.
I was not much affected by what happened and I looked for another lover, but it became difficult after everyone was avoiding me. So I decided to look elsewhere and in my head one thing: having fun. I was interested in older men and married men because of their experience and because I was sure they would not tell anyone about it and so I was a winner in every respect. The first lover of this category was my father's friend who always frequented our home and who had known me since I was a child. The poor man never expected that young girl to become an adult and had an active sex life and that she decided to seduce him. Vtlbk and Istnkr and tried to resist, but finally signed in my tears. And we became lovers to go to his summer home near the beach and there I learned with him new things and he felt that he is still young and attractive and desirable. But again, I was bored after our relationship became routine and I told him by phone that I no longer wanted him. His visits to our home were interrupted. And then the adventures followed with almost any man I meet, because I decided not to be associated with one person and why do I do?
I could get any of them, who would say no to an attractive young woman who was willing to do what they secretly dreamed of. And so she practiced sex with the pharmacist, the doctor and the maintenance worker and in places that do not occur to anyone. I did not realize the horror of my actions, until I fell in love. I did not know how such a feeling existed, because I was preoccupied with satisfying my body rather than my feelings. When I met Mazen I learned that life had another meaning and that what I was doing was worthy of animals. I focused on him on the emotional side and did not let him touch me to the extent of my happiness with what I had discovered with him. So he became his wife and decided to close the pages of my previous life is not honorable.
We took a lovely apartment with a taste and we attended a children's room because Mazen was dreaming of creating a small family that he cared for and loved. My life began as an honorable wife of Azur with our relatives Mazen and I met friends at the dinner I brought with love. My sexual life with Mazen was normal, far from my practices with those of his predecessors, and I found it acceptable because he was mixed with emotions and tenderness and I got used to calm and good nights. Our eldest son was born and then our beautiful daughter. After these two births, I felt a change in myself and that was what I feared. I began to return my appetite gradually and worked my best to silence it. I dreamed at night that I met men and had sex with them and issued Anina during my sleep to wake up my husband. I was claiming that the cause is sometimes pain in my stomach and sometimes in my teeth and the poor believe me, how can he know the truth of what is happening? I resisted a lot by focusing on raising my son and caring for the house. He was so happy with such passion and did not ask himself why this sudden sexual hunger and I thought that this would suffice me. But I was wrong. After two consecutive births my body changed and this was a crisis for me. My husband suggested that I join the sports club to regain my rule.
I tried not to gold because I knew I would find strong young men there and I might get what I feared. But I did not find a convincing excuse to score at the club. When I saw the coach I immediately learned that he would become my mistress. This is what happened. I returned to my old habit and forgot that I was married and the mother of two children. My question was stronger than my values, and I admit that during my meetings with the coach I would forget Mazen and all that is related to him. When I get home I feel very guilty about my husband and I try to compensate him for what he did until I go back to the club and everything starts again. Nothing would stop me from my practice if I did not want my brother anymore, because I found another man more exotic than him in the club, so I informed him of my decision to leave him. But he was not like his predecessors did not accept it because he was not married and has nothing to fear him or him. He decided to take revenge on me because he felt I was manipulating him and decided to tell my husband about our relationship. I received Mazen's phone number from the form he filled out when I was enrolled under the category "In case of accident contact" and called him and simply told him that he was my mistress and left him because I found others. At first Mazen thought it was a tease, because he could never have imagined that the woman he loved might do such a terrible thing. But the coach insisted on his words and offered to go to the club to check himself. But my husband did not do this to the intensity of his confidence in me and finished talking with my former lover, saying: And called him and said to him simply that he was my lover and left him because I found others. At first Mazen thought it was a tease, because he could never have imagined that the woman he loved might do such a terrible thing. But the coach insisted on his words and offered to go to the club to check himself. But my husband did not do this to the intensity of his confidence in me and finished talking with my former lover, saying: And called him and said to him simply that he was my lover and left him because I found others. At first Mazen thought it was a tease, because he could never have imagined that the woman he loved might do such a terrible thing. But the coach insisted on his words and offered to go to the club to check himself. But my husband did not do this to the intensity of his confidence in me and finished talking with my former lover, saying:
- Do not call me again! I do not know what your real motives are, but you should be ashamed of your attempt to discredit a decent woman.
But Mazen decided to watch me and so I discovered that I was not going to the club, but to a small apartment to meet my new brother. The poor man felt that his world had collapsed around him and that the woman who had a beautiful family was nothing but a despicable traitor. After two weeks of silence, he finally decided to confront me with what he knew. I was so confused and tried to lie and justify but he saw me with his eyes, and finally admitted to him everything. I told him about my femininity, my passion, my adventures and my attempts to lead a normal life with him. Listen to me and I tell him all this and then he said: - Any other man if I was to take strict or violent measures against you ... But I am an educated man and I know that your condition is satisfactory and that your desire for sex is not normal, it is not associated with specific people but men in general. You will go for treatment and there is no room for rejection. This is your only chance or I will have to ask for a divorce and take it from you. am I clear?
- Yup...
- Do you love me even a little bit?
- I love you so much and I will do everything to keep you and us.
So I began to go twice a week to the psychiatrist, who told me that the reason for my actions was a severe lack of emotion that I was deprived of when I was young. He was right, my parents were tough, they did not know love and tenderness. He also told me that I was not really looking for sex in itself, but about the interest of these men and the only way to get that attention was through sex. When I felt less interested in me, I turned to another lover. Thanks to this treatment I began to understand myself and the motives behind my actions and began to ease my need for sex and I see relationships from another angle. I am now following my treatment, hoping to fully heal and restore my husband's love for me and gain his trust in me again.
Interviewed by Paula Jahshan
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