Excerpt: AH! the cheating issue. To cheat or not to cheat? Every person who was in a relationship knows that there comes a point when your spouse is not as attractive or appealing as they were in the beginning, and you begin to "check around". You notice other men/women, and opportunities do present themselves. Then you begin to think "life is so short", "Am I really suppose to be with the same person for the next 50 years?" A horrifying thought to some. And obviously, your body has its own needs and demands. What to do? To cheat or not to cheat?
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I am approaching the age of 40 and have been married for 10 years. I love my wife very much. She supports me, loves me, takes care of me and at the same time justly demands that I help her with the household chores and with raising our two lovely sons. She is also very jealous of any of my behavior or talk that involves other women.
At my place of work (I have been there for six months), there is a single woman whom I see regularly at meetings and workgroups. Although she is a little older than me she looks amazing and has beautiful qualities and I have fallen in love with her. It began with flirtatious talk, turned into sexual conversations and now we kiss and fondle each other.
I don’t want to hurt my wife or divorce her. But my dilemma is what to do. Should I manifest this fantasy that I have had for many years, follow my infatuation and cheat on my wife, or should I end it abruptly as we tried, unsuccessfully, several times in the past?
Please advise me,
Helpless
Hi Helpless,
Let me remind you of several facts which in the heat of the moment escaped you:
You have already cheated on your wife. Intimate physical touch to whatever extent is cheating and you had better not delude yourself about it. Actually, the mental and emotional distancing of the last ten years between you and your wife were a first step to the actual cheating.
If you “go all the way” and do it, you will only want more. At first, you will not be caught and so you will think that it’s OK. There will be more opportunities to cheat.
Every individual marks his/her own red lines. Some would not even dare to think about another woman. Others would cheat only with their mouth, that is erotic conversations, and some would cheat with all their physical essence. That means that cheating is not a question of values, morality or punishment but of other issues that I will address below.
Right now your own red lines are being drawn. You slowly push them further while checking to see if the world might collapse on you. This is why you came to ask me the question; to see what your position is now.
Your cheating will eventually be revealed. We live in a world of no secrets. Eventually, all the skeletons would have to come out of the closet. “Full” cheating on your wife would place you in the middle of a hurricane where your emotional world, as well as the financial and mental worlds, would suffer great impact. It will be very difficult to get out of it.
It is not immoral to cheat! How come? Because you are the only authority that can determine for yourself what is moral and what isn’t. The questions are therefore different and concern the choices we make in life, the responsibility we take, lessons of honesty and truth, and first and foremost the understanding of the desire to be with other people.
This desire comes from the need to get to know other aspects within you. It's not the sexy woman at work who attracts you, but the way you act in her company, the freedom you allow yourself that remains suppressed in your legal marriage. Don't kid yourself - if you go with that woman then soon enough you will need to cheat on her too because you will not have satisfied the thirst to get to know yourself !
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You, dear helpless, naturally want to fully consume life. You want to enrich your daily routine, to have a wonderful, successful, exciting, passionate and sexy relationship. And why not? You deserve to have fun in life and unlike many others, you are not willing to subside into the dull boredom that life heralds for you at a certain age. Or so you believe.
The million dollar question, though, is how are you planning to do all that? Will you take the easy way by replacing partners and spouses each time the level of excitement diminishes, or by taking the way of dedication and effort in a steady and monogamous relationship? Each decision has consequences that you will experience.
So what will you choose?
Tough question, isn’t it? “If only someone could tell me what to do”, you say. “If only God came and directed me, then my life would be so easy”. But then you would also have missed the purpose of life; the entire meaning of your existence here. You would not develop the inner sense that has so far been dormant within you.
You ought to search inside and find the missing part that would bring you the excitement and thrills that you currently look for outside. That part, once reconnected, will revive your relationship with your wife and will practically make you a new person. If you take the cheating track you will experience the thrills you seek, but eventually, and quite soon, you will realize how empty such a life is and then, perhaps, you will begin looking inside.
You need to choose and commit to one person, be them your wife or the colleague. Approach each of them with respect and confidence and explain your choice while you take away from the discussion, as much as possible, any issues of guilt and shame. There is nothing noble in staying in a relationship just for the sake of the relationship or the sake of other people. If you choose to stay with your wife here are some tips:
make a firm decision to disconnect yourself from that girl at your workplace. Get as far away from her as possible. Don’t be rude - politely and honorably explain to her your motives, your new decision, and tell her the new direction you have chosen for yourself. She may try to dissuade you so remain determined. Make it clear to her – and to yourself – that your decision is final. Do not say: “I just want to check my relationship with my wife; I want to give it another chance; if things don’t work I will come back to you”. That way you only leave an aperture. Be a man, as they say. Did you decide something? Stick to it!
Secondly, divert all your resources to your relationship with your wife. Consult experts. Read and explore the many ways of bringing Eros back to your love life. Create more intimate time with your wife; declare how much you love her. Have you realized that she can sense that you cheated on her and that she tried, through demanding an equal contribution to the housework, to keep you at home?! Now you can tell her how committed you are to her, to the relationship and to your self. Such a statement is actually a reinforcement for yourself not to give up. The rewards will come!
Good luck!
Being with one person "for the rest of your life" is very difficult. Sometimes just thinking about this term, "for the rest of your life", makes it difficult. There will always be ups and downs, and many obstacles will come your way - mainly because this is the way life works, and partly because we do this to ourselves from time to time, making our own lives difficult, not always by conscious choice.
I believe in two things, which I apply to my life (both my personal life and my relationship with my husband), one of which I learned from my parents, the other I decided for myself:
Every time I face an option, an opportunity, a chance to cheat, I consider these two things. I talk to my husband if I don't feel happy or satisfied in our relationship, and we figure out why and how to change it. I trust my husband not to cheat on me, and I know he trusts me back. And so far it has been working marvelously.
I hope these two guidelines help other people, too :-)
It's not to easy to be a human living a physical relationship, balancing the dreams and fantasies we have developed since childhood.
Thanks for this human-perspective highly valuable advice.
I always say that one of the most basic guidelines of being a human being is "be a person you would like to live with". Obviously, no one can be that person 100% of the time, but I know that at least I try, and appreciate others who do the same.
I mean, what's the point of being in a relationship if it's not an honest one?
Indeed.
Many don't get it that when they are dishonest they disconnect from their soul. Then the relationship with their spouse becomes dull.
Every act of infidelity starts from the eyes. If your eyes is single, your desire will be controled. If your desire is checked, your hand will be inactive. However, if we are under the control of God's spirit, we will apply temperance. Lets stay safe.
Thank you for this opportunity to elaborate.
From my perspective, life is not about staying safe within the boundaries of the limited personality, but rather to boldly go where no one has gone before, and that is the divine self. On the way there one needs to go through one's dark aspects, to experience the dark hours of the soul. This is not to say that enlightenment requires suffering. It is to say that there must be a movement out of the comfort zone.
The soul constantly nudges the person to go within, to expand the consciousness. If one is safe and comfortable in a stable relationship then the soul will "implant" thoughts on one's mind: "You are getting old, check out that hot person, they like you" etc. The purpose of such messages is not to tempt the person to cheat but to make them examine the source of these thoughts and connect with the divine.
Hence, what may seem to be unsafe, dark or devilish may turn to be one's biggest assistant.
It feels like people are mistaking their call for adventure for love. Also we need to work on our connections with people who matter to us every single day. We have to keep building on connections. When u see a new lady in your life, you feel thrilled because of the gratification you get that validates you in some way. Let's develop a mindset where you see things for what they are and not what they could be. Hooking up with some one is not live here. It's more of a bankruptcy on the guys side who had not invested in his relationship with wife and now wants to live on social welfare funds.
"because of the gratification you get that validates you in some way"
Need to echo this 👍
I always hesitate right before I cheat, as if considering the consequences. But I have never had any regrets ... No, I don't regret cheating on my girlfriend because she never knew and was therefore never hurt by it. But then I realized I was cheating on myself and after that point I never cheater her. Discipline is knowing the difference between what you want now and what you want most.
It's like the difference beteen what the mind wants and what the heart desires.
Absolutely! Thanks for the up vote. When I was reading this post I was thinking to myself "This I will quote it in the reply"..but even this..this..this.. Basically I should reproduce the whole post in my comment! My idea of stealing is very me have to say "I really, really, really enjoyed this and rest of your posts. Please keep enlightening us:)"
Since the cheating is talking about, so do not say anything.
Share one of my events.
My relationship with my boyfriend is about 5 months. In our midst, our profound deepening was going on. I tried to know a lot about him but he did not understand me. At a time I came to know that he was married. My heart was broken. I got so much trouble. I did not have any relationship with him. And he still trying to communicate with me but I am away. Now tell me who has cheated here? Am I cheated with his wife or did he cheat me?
Actually what I say about men's society ..!
They think of physical relationships to everything. Sex is everything for them. Only they have been cheating with women for their sexuality.
I'm not talking about all the men But this is the case with most men.
and please you give my answer.
You don't need to blame yourself or accuse anyone. He was in a distressed situation in his marriage and looked for the easy way out. And you were there, ready to be loved.
You became stronger with the experience, isn't that true? You managed to face your broken heart and with all the pain and suffering you found the strenght to say "no! I deserve better" and ended that relationship.
Don't you feel more empowered now?
Don't be discouraged. There are many men who do not cheat, who have a healthy mind and heart, and you will meet one, one day. ☺️👍
thanks for your possitive advise. yes i will became strong with this experience. who have a healthy mind & heart? how can i find him? any clue on that?
In the future, throughout 2018, I will discuss the methods to alter consciousness in general and attract a healthy relationship in specific.
If you need an immediate advice then I will need more info.
how can i contact with you?
Write to: [email protected]
can i contact with steemit chat?
Couldn’t agree more. It’s only in your mind thinking “it’s difficult to be with one person for the rest of your life”. There is no person in this world worth to be cheating with on my wife. I’m almost 20 years married, I’m 40 years old, I love my wife, she takes care of me, I take care of her. Of course there are ups and downs in our marriage, but that’s part of it. Just like you mentioned, if someone married lets himself loose and betray his other half, he has to be stupid not to think there isn’t a chance he would destroy his marriage. It’s not worth to take these kind of chances. Eventually, the truth comes out. If it doesn’t, would you be able to live with this for the rest of your life? Unfortunately there are soo many cases similar to your story, that’s why divorce layers are so profitable these days. I love your advices. At the end ask your self “is she worth loosing your wife and destroying your family?” I bet these people, now in their old age regret it soo much, and if they had a chance to change it, they wouldn’t hesitate for a second.
Indeed.
Every system - business or personal - that is tainted with lies is doomed.
Love just happens it doesnt demand reason, but cheating on your wife is not good idea, better is to discuss the scenario with her she probabily will help you to sort it out.But what makes you to say that you are in love with another woman, may be its not the real love , it's just a pizza love, and with time it's gonna fade away?
Most relationships are pizza ones (i like that term). Sometimes we add cola to the package, but it's still a fast food.
And the thing about fast food is that it doesnot last for long time.
.. And it kills... 😔
If you with someone in relationship.
Never, But Never cheat your wife.
Never betray her!
Be a man! If you have to tell her something. Do it and don’t be idiot.
Am I the only crazy one who considers a divorce a reasonable action?
I mean, it's pretty clear that if he resist the temptation now, another one will come sooner or later. Isn't he just clinging to a relationship and hurting both of them in the long term?
Indeed.
The thing is to tackle the issue now. You see, divorce will not solve the problem he has with himself.
But I totally agree with you, there is no point to stay in a marriage if there is no chance for healing.
I think most of us feel the desire to betray our spouse oftenly, for seeing the advantages of other men or women. In fact, we have passed many things with pleasure and sadness with precious togetherness. Meanwhile, 'someone else' that we love suddenly have not given anything but fantasies of delinquency in our mind. Fantasy that will undermine the relationship we have built with our spouse. Perhaps, the consuming instant food makes people think instantly too (LoL); Choosing short-term pleasures that cause illness years ahead.
I really like this session of yours, I think its the mind playing tricks with him, he loves her wife a lot but that other women appeals him, its the mind playing with him. I loved your advice
Indeed, the mind. True observation!👍
First of all Mr. Helpless says he loves his wife. What according to him is love? If you are looking for assets of other woman then you are not in love. Maybe you loved her before but not now. Also what about the love for children? Doesn't he love them? If he would had he for sure would had thought about them right before doing all of this. Anyways i would suggest for Mr. Helpless to decide whether your family or whether the girl. As per me he should keep his beautiful relation that he has with his children and wife. Msybe he should also try to find out things in other girl that fancy her more than his wife and try to bring those changes in his wife too. Not only will he be happy but also he will keep his family happy and also save 2 families one his own and other of the girls.
Children, as much as they are loved and cared for, should not be a reason to remain in an unhappy relationship. They are not fools, they are sensitive, and they would feel if their parents are not happy.
Of course they would know it without any doubt but our friend Mr Helpless is acting one person in home and other person outside. So what he should be doing is act in only one way....anyways i said he should choose his family because many a children do undergo lot of stress seeing there parents separate.
Yes, totally.
People who choose to raise a family must take responsibility and at least act with honesty and respect.
That's truly what i meant to say.
I do not need a lot of wives, because we many wives are not necessarily my dear wife to us, because it's normal kalou woman if husband cheating angry times my wife.menurut me if many people not in love with the heart, but he love money , nowadays tapih I say this.
If you say "I love my wife very much. She supports me, loves me, takes care of me and at the same time justly demands that I help her with the household chores and with raising our two lovely sons" , then love with the real love. But if you are also interested in other women, I would doubt the recognition of your love for the wife.
If you truly love your wife and she loves you too, then you should NOT cheat on her. Temptations and temporary feelings come and go. After all this you are gonna come back to your wife only, who has been there with you for the past 10 years and will be till life ends. Cheating will only deteriorate your relationship with someone whom you are gonna spend your rest of your life. My advice will be to try to strengthen the bond with your wife even more so that you won't be distracted again in the future.
That's what they said that it is easy to fall in love but hard to stay in love. Temptation is everywhere. You'll going to face several temptation tthat would test you and if you didn't overcome that then you lose. It's your decision to continue the cheating or not. But, always remember the consequences. Are you willing to stand on that? Is it worth it? Is 10 years with your wife is nothing? Think again, be responsible enough.
.
Many share this situation.
I have written two articles about the levels of infatuation. Check this one (there will be a link to the previous article):
https://steemit.com/relationship/@nomad-magus/falliing-in-love-part-ii-the-spiritual-stage-of-a-relationshipo
if you cheat with your wife then you not a good person. The good man knows that he is the person who is well-respected. Although it is not in the present society. Everybody is busy with cheat like that. And women are helpless puppets. Men play their lives in the end.
I want to believe that those puppet women who may read this post/comments will realize they have a choice to be the masters of their own lives, with or without a man.
Grass is not green on the other side.😑
Make things right with your wife. What if she did that to you?
But On the other side it means that u have never loved your wife if that were reality u wouldn't have fallen for other.
I think he did love his wife, it's just wasn't on all levels. See my post here:
https://steemit.com/relationship/@nomad-magus/falliing-in-love-part-ii-the-spiritual-stage-of-a-relationshipo
following the lust sometimes will not run out because of the problem of our sexual needs to hurt the feelings of people we love, but it also a variety of love affection to be openness in understanding people we always meet every day
all you can do is get mad... Now
cheating is so normalized.
get mad at...?
when u find ur partner is cheating on u
Cheating is normalized because it's natural in the consciousness of humanity nowadays. We must outgrow the prison of our minds 😒
Ooooh. Hahahaha. The problem of being married and in a relationship.
I like your advice. And I like that you will have a competition soon! Hurray! Will there be a prize? Haha.
In my competitions everybody wins.
Yes, there will be a SBD prize. 😉
Stay tuned, 10 days.
I love it, sure will see when it's up. :)
Trust your partner. My father is a gynecologist, meaning he spends most of his days seeing naked women (what can you do).
But then I realized I was cheating on myself and after that point I never cheater her.
Love just happens it doesnt demand reason, but cheating on your wife is not good idea,
Ok.
I don't think it's good at any cost to cheat, and great advice my friend.
If you do this once you will want more and more,you will be hunter of this special spark,but your relation with your partner will be not the same !!!!
Nice post!
I heard on the street that you get one free pass.
In theory maybe 🤔
thats some worth-full log in all day today. Loved how you expressed and those things. Its all about the boundaries that we set for ourselves. Some Live with it while some test it.
Nice tips @nomad magus... U have that unique way to analyze a situation and present your way out with utmost wisdom.. God bless man..
You should not cheat your wife.LOVE her, You will be happy.Otherwise, You will fall in darkness.
Its really a hard decision.@nomad-magus .
We should not cheat with our wife...love fact
nice advice
Nice advice
Eleh leh heh gan ente datengin aja kerumah nya kasih cincin dan duit pasti mau tuh orang sama elu gan
This post has received a 6.7 % upvote from @boomerang.