Anyway it's been a month of really bad back pain and I had a brief period earlier today when I thought it was finally easing. Nope. It's back. Looping thoughts and the same energies over and over. From everything I study and learn seem to learn and change nothing at all. Writing this won't help and will most likely just reinforce the same old patterns. commenting online has no use or help. At least in the old days it was a lot harder to embarrass myself. I just want it to stop hurting and the insanity to stop and and and on and on. essentially it's my fault so I should be able to change it. What a circle of pain. I dream of support of some sort. But. I can't afford it. imagine that. I wonder how many people suffer and die because they can't even afford friends let alone professionals. What a piece of shit life I have created. I can't find my way out
Sorry about the back pain. Having constant pain can tear anybody down, so although you can't see it, it's a big boat you are floating around in. I know, that doesn't make it any easier to know that.
I am surprised if you don't have a huge income that you cannot qualify for some sort of health plan. California gives away more free healthcare than any other state I am aware of. Just because I'm surprised doesn't change anything either, but for real, there should be something there you could qualify for.
You probably can't see it, but I like that you have posted more of your creative ventures and I see a difference where you have communicated more in your posts. You might think that's tiny, but it IS something.
I hope your back gets better soon.
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I'm not very familiar with healthcare in California but I've just looked up Medi-Cal if you have limited income. I don't know much about them, though. In the UK, we also have organisations that support caregivers. Is there any organisation that you can approach? I know things have changed since Trump took over, but it was just a thought.