"Risk is the only honest form of truth - the only moment when masks fall away and people's real selves emerge. When the stakes are high, people can't fake virtue or morality. They show their greed, fear, or cowardice."
This is what ChatGPT came up with when I asked it to get me into the psyche of Kirari Momobami - Student Council President of Hyakkaou Private Academy. Our pole studio organized a student showcase where everyone - teacher and student - had one month to prepare a solo and/or a group piece on pole, hoop or aerial hammock. This year, the theme was Fit&Fab Originals - a nod to Netflix Originals, and thus the concept of the compulsive gambler from Kakegurui XX.
I've been thinking about legacy lately and I wonder what mine is going to be. It was just a couple of weeks ago when a friend told me that he dreamt of me and that I was in a casket. When I asked if I was young, or old he mentioned that I looked exactly like my MBA graduation photo. It was a totally innocent dream but I held onto that thought for a bit and wondered if the end of my life was near. And then I thought about the impact that my life had made - will the world be grateful that Gail lived on it for a while? Or would I just be dust in the wind?
I'm almost half the life expectancy of my race and I don't feel like what I've been doing is enough. My calendar is full, sure, but I could never say for certain that I have lived a life that I could truly be proud of. Should I measure it according to the lives that I have changed? To the amount of money that I have earned, saved, invested and shared? To the work that I do excellently?
I am in love with the complexity of impulsive gamblers in a way that I will never truly know what it feels like to be lost in the thrill of it all - I am not a gambler. Or at least, I am afraid of getting lost in the depth of it all. I am a play-it-safe kind of woman. Someone who would rather gain a little and share the rest with everyone than to hoard everything, everywhere, all at once. Yet I cannot deny that diving deep into this character stimulated that part of my brain that craved for art and expression.
Preparing for a recital is as nerve-wracking as it gets for me. It is a time that I get to look into myself and assess if I have grown in my craft and if I am strong enough to get over my inner demons of scarcity, shyness, and self-deprecation. The journey towards combating all of them proved to be more meaningful than that of finishing my piece.
There was that familiar pattern of hesitation - the shame of placing my name in the roster of girls that will perform solo. I'm so good at motivating my students to do their own piece, but when it came to my own, only our head coach's nagging made me rush to think and execute a concept that I would love and see through. At first, I wanted to do a number off of K-pop Demon Hunters but it was already taken and I didn't want to be a repeat act.
I couldn't remember the exact moment that everything clicked for me but I know that I fell in love with the live action adaptation of Kakegurui which is "Bet" and I remember how the soundtrack was lit. I then sketched a pole inspired version of their uniform and went to listen to songs that I could create a choreography from. Three songs made it to my list and I hurried to chat one of the girls from the studio who also made clothes as a side hustle.
Execution of the costume was surprisingly fast. I then looked for blue contact lenses as I really wanted to go all in to play this character. I already had the color of her hair nailed down. All that's left are the details. A consult led me to Facebook Marketplace and to my surprise, the only store that sold blue contacts also had Hyakkaou Academy's costume. It was then that I believed that I was really meant to play this character.
I wrestled with shyness. My audience were my students and my teachers and our guests. I know that I shouldn't make a fool out of myself and I knew that little Gail was still in there - reluctant to ask for attention and quite comfortable with being in the background. However, I have spent so much time and money to let shyness win. I have to go all in. I have no other choice.
I also battled with self-doubt. It's been 7 years since I started training for pole, and I'm 2 years into teaching beginner pole. What did I have to show that my peers haven't seen before? Should I push for tricks that are on the advance scale at the risk of failing to execute them? Or do I stick with simple yet polished movements that I have mastered? I went with the latter and sealed it with a gift that my head coach told me I had - flexibility.
With the time crunch and earthquakes that hit our place - I was starting to doubt if I could pull everything off. I am also judging work responsibilities and extracurriculars. Doing this was basically biting off more than what I could chew. It is a lot easier to back out. And two girls from the studio did just that - they backed out from their solos.
I wasn't alone in all of this - I had sisters that were more than willing to share a piece of themselves to the rest of the class. I couldn't just give up now. I trained late nights and early mornings in the hopes of catching up to the time that I have lost.
And I made it, I had help of course. And I had the most robust support system. I had a splitty routine since it was my strength and I ended with a drop split. I wish I could show the full routine soon but sadly, I just didn't have the video for it. I know someone took it somewhere but for now, I will relish in the fact that I did it.
There were glitches, of course. I wasn't able to do an inside hang, wasn't able to fully commit to a shoulder roll, and I panicked to grab the pole for my second splitty trick. But who cares, I wasn't there to compete anyway. I was there to grow. And to prove to myself that I am stronger than my demons.
As for Kirari, may she find meaning beyond gambling as she finally begins to understand that the greatest risk to take in this life is to leave it right before one fully lives it.
She is on a mission to become better than who she was yesterday. A Chemical Engineer, a Master of Business Administration, a Financial Advisor, an Artificial Intelligence Enthusiast, and now, a wife, she hopes to give value to this space as a motivated individual. She found the perfect marriage between what she wants to do in life and her mission in the pursuit of financial freedom. She balances her work and life in the comforts of her home, co-working spaces, and cafes. She loves to meet like-minded people and live her life to the fullest. Watch this space for tales of self-improvement and self-acceptance, per Mark Manson, "the philosophical tightrope."
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