Avoidants.
My subconscious is drawn to them like there’s no tomorrow.
Sky high chemistry, just as high levels of toxicity.
I’m very sensitive to people who don’t have the luxury of having a secure attachment style. What doesn’t slide as smoothly for me are people who are insecurely attached but refuse to address their attachment injuries.
Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style is immensely difficult. Close to a nightmare if you’re anxiously attached, like I am. How can you build a secure foundation with a partner who deeply fears and rejects emotional intimacy? Someone who avoids communication altogether because it involves a too high degree of vulnerability? How can a romantic relationship have depth if there’s no display of vulnerability?
Avoidant attached individuals need to seek long term therapy, not long term romantic relationships. I’m saying this with so much admiration for the ones who do seek therapy, as it demonstrates a high degree of self awareness, a fantastic tool, all too important to better and heal ourselves.
When you have spent your whole life cutting yourself off from experiencing the full range of emotions, it only makes sense that it will impact your capacity to connect with others, particularly romantically. While we are naturally wired to form emotional bounds with others, it gets trickier to achieve when our attachment injuries have been left unsupervised our whole lives.
I believe we all deserve to find healthy and loving relationships. I also believe that nobody deserves to be on the receiving end of an avoidant attached partner. You pull closer, they pull away. You want security, they offer you instability. They can’t give you the proper commitment that you need, but most importantly, deserve.
I had to learn this the hard way, but nobody is that amazing of a person that you should suppress your needs in order to stay with them. You shouldn’t have to fight to receive the bare minimum. What’s a romantic relationship worth without a commitment?
What do I bring to a romantic relationship is a question we all should be asking ourselves before entering the love territory. Because as an avoidant partner, you are putting your significant other through a lot of pain. All of our desperate attempts to get some sort of emotional reaction out of you are pointless. There’s no getting through to you. We can be crying so hard, and you will stand there, looking at us, completely emotionless. The tragic part of it all is that in spite of external appearances, avoidant attached individuals are often internally distressed in those moments. There’s a lot of emotional reactivity happening inside of them, they are simply incapable of expressing it, much less accepting it.
Their hearts can be so cold, and we should never make it our mission to want to change that. We end up paying the price for their attachment injuries, and truthfully, it will never be worth the cost. Another lesson I had to learn the hard way. Unless someone with an avoidant attachment style is actively working on their wounds, i would avoid pursuing a long term relationship with them. It will leave you worse off, take my word on this. You can be the most loving, patient, caring partner, no amount of kindness will ever be sufficient to make the relationship work on healthy grounds.
You deserve to be with someone who is able to commit to you with ease. You deserve to be with someone who will want to continuously better and heal themselves through the course of your relationship, and separate lives. You deserve to be with someone who you can openly communicate with in a healthy and compassionate way. You deserve to be with someone who can meet your needs. This is a reminder that your needs, no matter what they are, they are valid. And you should never minimize their importance or sweep them under the rug in order to keep your relationship “viable”. No matter how much you love someone, no one is worth denying our most important needs for. I wish I had known this earlier.
