Journal 8: High Functioning My Ass

in #autism4 years ago

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Photo Caption: My Rudimentary Playstation Emulation Setup of Spyro the Dragon. I've only ever loved one video game, this is it. The first three versions that came out for Playstation One and thats IT.

Today has been hard.

Currently I’m dizzy with a stomach ache and headache from motion sickness after playing Spyro the Dragon on an emulator. All this started from a spicy bone broth I made yesterday.

I learned during my early carnivore diet adventures that I am sensitive to bone broth but I had hoped that was different. From what I can tell from my symptoms, nothing has changed. Bone broth is still too high histimine for me to tolerate. It makes me bloat, gives me awful brain fog and headaches and leaves me nauseated. Basically how I used to live before the carnivore diet.

But this will be temporary because I won’t eat the rest of what I made. My boyfriend loves everything I cook so I will give the rest to him. I didn’t really even want to blog because I feel like shit, but I think it’s worth writing when I feel like this for the sake of the book. Because this is very much a huge part of my experience.

There’s this thing called spoon theory.

It’s related to both mental and physical health. I am honestly someone that deals with issues in both. My mental issues stem from autism. My autism does effect my body issues to an extent, but I think my health issues stem a little beyond that thanks to malnourishment and other things.

They definitely play into eachother though. I was somewhat in a bad mood for example last night and this morning and I couldn’t really understand why. At this point I realize I have a tendency to get in an unexplained bad mood right before dealing with the symptoms from a food reaction.

Back to spoon theory.

Imagine you start each day with a certain number of spoons. Or fucks if you will. (Only so many fucks to give…) Some days when you feel good, you might have 12 or 14 spoons. Other days you might only have one spoon, or fuck. Basically this means that there’s only one thing you can put your energy to if you only have one spoon.

Today I had one spoon.

I had a whole list of things I really wanted to do but I prioritized one time sensitive article post for @homestead-guru. Because of only having one spoon, that is literally the only thing I managed to accomplish. You’d think it was because I didn’t care about the subject but I actually have personal experiences relating to the topic so I found it fascinating. I just couldn’t focus. I had a really hard time putting thoughts together. Even Yoast SEO plugin said it was hard to read.

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Photo Caption: The delicious but belly pain inducing birria tacos. They are basically dipped in bone broth and there's bone broth for sauce, basically.

All because of a food reaction.

Food reactions start with bloating. Nausea, sometimes digestive upset but not today. I say all day in brain fog, trying to get just that one article written and ready to be edited. I finally do it and go to play a little Spyro to relax. Within 10 minutes I am queasy from motion sickness, something I’ve struggled with literally since birth.

Tomorrow, I expect to have 5-10 spoons depending on how the night goes because I decided to just fast instead of eating dinner. Sometimes that can help, other times I have troubles sleeping which makes the issue worse.

Spoons aren’t just tasks by the way, they’re also anything emotionally taxing.

For some it can be a break in the routine or not getting the food they want. For others it’s just getting out of bed some days. I do think it’s a useful analogy to explain what it’s like to deal with these sorts of things.

It’s also useful for noting the difference.
Most people when I talk about my autism go “but you’re high functioning” like that means something. Yes, most of the time my autism doesn’t affect other people. Sometimes it doesn’t even effect me that much, but other times it is almost a battle with myself to stay productive on days where I know I just don’t have it in me.

Yes, most of my days are productive and fun but only because I’ve built a life catered to my needs. But also important to note that while these days aren’t as common as they used to be, there are some days where I struggle to do anything despite trying all day.

This is what I got for now. Let me know your thoughts and please share if you found it valuable.

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