12/30/18 Carpo's Blog: "Stories we tell ourselves"
The sad stories we tell ourselves are often the only thing holding us back from greatness. And it is my belief that each of us deserves to feel good about ourselves. We all have issues with self-esteem, which is why so many people are self-critical; yet if this is true, then why do so many others appear self-obsessed? Have they discovered a secret to confidence that we should learn ourselves? Usually not. If you dig deeper, those who appear to be confident and strong-willed are often the softest when you peel away the layers. It is one thing to have confidence in yourself, but quite another to tell people that you are the greatest and that you know what is best for them. We all know people like that.
Of course, there are very confident people who have discovered how to find balance with their self-image. Yet they rarely talk about their own awareness. This is something I myself have been working on, as I get older and realize my own self-doubts, which are usually shaped by those pesky 'Stories we tell ourselves'. By realizing those stories and not letting our past define us, we can truly become new people and shape our future the way we want it.
We have to own our thoughts, and try not to ignore them. If we have a defeating or negative emotion, we should not fight it or suppress it, but rather let it flow through us. With practice, we can learn to receive information, process it and let it go. Emotions are temporary, they will pass, and there is no such thing as 'finding happiness'. What we do is find things that give us more positive feelings, or improve our lives, but there will always be hard times. Creating a space in our minds to let our thoughts flow through is an essential part of remaining sane.
We do not have to hold on to outdated opinions merely because we are attached to them. It is that attachment to ideas that causes so much of the strife in the world. Our stubborn inability to compromise is usually driven by our egos, and when we feel our ideals are threatened, we resort to name calling and violence. Wars are fought on the premise that 'we' know better than 'them', and this is the world we are forced to reckon with. Of course some times we DO know that other opinions are wrong, and these are difficult things to deal with. Especially when people are attached to their opinions, they tend to take criticism of ideas as a criticism of themselves.
Blaming others for our bad luck is another damaging attitude that causes division and xenophobia. People are quick to blame the Jews, the Mexicans, The government, their parents, their lot in life or a host of other justifications for our actions against others, and our lack of empathy. Not loving the self is the first step toward not loving the world, and eventually one can learn to hate life itself. People who feel marginalized or unlucky will often spew hatred and incite violence to make themselves feel better. Some become trolls online, or members of extremist groups like the ALT-RIGHT morons marching with tiki torches in the streets.
This last part tells a story- that yes, I also have opinions. I have limits to my tolerance, and when I see someone speaking what I see as lies, I have to object. We do not have to sit by passively and love everyone, nor accept things we see as damaging. That said, we must educate ourselves not just on the subjects we speak about, but the way we hadle it personally and how our emotions surface when we feel threatened.
Each of us must find a place in our minds which work for us personally, but we should never overlook the potential of doing damage to others with our lifestyles. When we find a way to love ourselves, love others, and still not put up with bullshit, then we are onto something. However, if we tell ourselves the story that 'everyone is out to get us', we can easily be sucked into the conspiracy realm, the military machine, or a promising cult, all which promise that we will be in the 'Right' while the rest of the world is 'Wrong'. This short term thinking never works, never has worked, and often ends in tragedy.
If we are off in another country killing other humans, because w were told that they are evil, then we are living someone else's story, that entire nations tell themselves. We blur the line between 'self defense' and 'murder', and it becomes the norm in society. Oh, another war started? Yeah, we get those every week. And some tell a story that 'war can be avoided', while others tell the story that 'war is inevitable to defend our borders', and who is right? Or is there some truth to all opinions which have enough people behind them? We can see how strong the opinions of others are, yet we still think we are in the right. Can both sides of a war be in the right? Can all religions be right? Can it serve someone well to move into the jungle and join a cult? These are subjective to the degree that no one man can claim to have the answers. We can only walk in one pair of shoes, no matter how we look at it, and it is easy to assume that everyone thinks as we do. But the bet we can hope for are a few common themes in our lives.
One of those themes, or archetypes is the struggle of the individual. The lonely path of the heroes journey, to find our place in the world in our short time here. This cannot be understated, as it is the defining factor in how we feel about ourselves. If we are not on our journey, or filling our purpose, whatever it may be, we will never be satisfied with our lives. And I must add, that does not mean the grass is greener on the other side, as it rarely is. I like to say it is AstroTurf, or fake grass, and there's nothing worse than getting fake grass. Many people will tell you that there IS no purpose, that life is just chance, and we are just hairless apes fumbling in the dark. And they may be right!
But don't listen to them. Feel deep in your heart, and you will hear a voice screaming to get out. your true self. And we have suppressed it for so long, for fear of ridicule, or appearing too 'hippyish', or 'spiritual' or any host of other terms. But we all have an inner voice that wants to create something, to explore, to share and grow with others, but we are resistant because it is not what we have been taught. The story of being the 'adult' has become our defining rite of passage, we turn 18 and we are thrown into an indifferent world before we know what hit us. We know that the self we present to this world is tainted by our past experiences and our self-image.
So what can we do about it? The first thing is to ask ourselves what we really want out of life, which is far harder to realize than it may first appear. It can take years to break from the mold that we are cut from. We must create a head space that allows us to deal with things honestly, and over a period of time we may find that being rich was never what we really wanted, and being famous was just a way that we could be recognized in life. It is our failure to see ourselves in others, and others in ourselves, that causes us so much grief in life. Looking another human in the eyes and realizing that they have the same fears as we do can be very empowering, to the contrary of what one may think. When we are drowning with others, it can take our mind off the fact that we as well will soon succumb to the waves.
We also must test out new things, in order to see what resonates with us. We are never too old to try a science experiment, or develop a new theory about the creation of the universe. We do not give ourselves the credit we deserve or recognize the potential we have to create. We leave things to the 'experts' and question our own abilities. This is natural because we know others spent much more time developing their skills, yet fail to realize we could as well if we wanted to. It is never too late to find a niche. So if you are unhappy in your place in the world, simply change it. What is holding us back other than our wages? Well we need wages to live, of course, but if we are not living well, what good are they? Each person must decide for themselves, given they have the freedom to do so. Always remember there are others who have NO choice in their paths. If you do, take advantage of it. You get one chance at this life, so make it count.
Never blame others for your incompetence or shortcomings, for this merely takes the blame off ourselves and allows for more division. Everything that happens to us in life affects our attitudes and opinions, but we cannot change the past, and dwelling on it serves nobody. If you never filled your expectations in life, there is always still time, if you use that energy to make it happen. Realistically, we may never be able to fulfill our dreams, but the act of trying is what matters. Just as the journey means more than the destination, our efforts are all that matter, not the results. Results do help though.
Another beneficial practice is to constantly re-assess our strengths and weaknesses. This habit I have found is easily overlooked, as we become more rigid in our views as we age. We might think that it is too late to do something meaningful with our lives, but some of the greatest discoveries and many wonderful books have been written far beyond retirement age. It is never too late to start something, and as we gain wisdom through the years we can produce something of value. Any young writer can learn English well enough to write a great book, but only the wisdom of time brings forth the most valuable stories. It takes time to learn what we really need in life.
Never assume someone else out there has the answers that you need, or you will find yourself trapped by the limitations of understanding. We can take the wisdom of others and see what works and what does not, yet our own experiences may differ. If we ARE going to listen to others, be sure that they are themselves truly benefiting from their actions, or beliefs.
If someone is screaming the sky is falling, and their life is clearly not in order, they may be merely projecting their fears and shortcomings onto the world. Many who rant about all the corruption and conspiracies in the world can trace their fears back to trust issues from their youth, perhaps a misdirected suspicion or hostility that is rooted in an event in their life, or a lost love, or someone who wronged them, and they take it out on others. This is not to say there are no conspiracies or corruption in the world, far from it there is too much to ever list. But a predisposition to obsess over them and consistently tell others the future is grim is something you likely will not find with an emotionally stable human, unless they are doing so merely for the financial gain of pulling in other people who DO have fears and suspicions. Then we have the people who do not believe their own hype, but get others riled up because intensity sells. it always has.
These emotional experiences we have lead people to feminism, or the men's rights movement, as a way to get back at half the population that they feel has slighted them. We join 'groups' because it makes us feel like we belong, but fail to see that if our group excludes others merely for being different, as a premise for it's existence, it will fail.
There is a psychological side to it that cannot be overlooked, and it tells us a lot about ourselves when we understand others. I am no psychologist, but I regularly read psychological journals and studies in order to better understand myself. In recent decades we have learned what causes various diseases of the body, and as well the mind. We are learning that our history determines our future, and that we can use our minds to overcome our negative experiences if we are willing to let go of being a victim. Nobody wants to be a victim, but it is often used as a defense mechanism to protect ourselves against others.
And while we are talking about not letting others determine what works for you, we cannot overlook our tendency to think our ideas work for others. It is arrogant for us to tell others how to live, what to believe or what is important. However this is how it has always been, and it is often rooted in insecurity. We fear that others may corrupt our beliefs, just like Socrates corrupting the youth in Athens. Though today, we have more freedom to choose what to believe, we still tend to take others beliefs as our own to provide comfort and connection.
Our cultures tell us what god to believe in, what we should do with our lives, and how we should serve others. By the time we are old enough to think for ourselves, it is hard to break from the mold. But we cannot forget that the mold is necessary, for if we have no systems we have no way to learn, and no culture. We have to see what others have tried before us, and where they have succeeded and failed.
On a final note, I believe that the most crucial aspect of our worldview is to have a 'Good World' hypothesis, which means to believe that in general most people mean well, and evil is more or less subjective. We can impose our versions of good and evil on the world, but it cares not. We can argue eternally about what a god might want, or where we go when we die, what obligations we have in Earth, if any, and what the intentions of people are in the world. If we spend our lives thinking that everyone is out to get us, that everyone has a price and is more or less corrupt, we will lead a life of fear and discomfort. We may think we are protecting ourselves against damage by avoiding other beliefs, but in reality we can see that there is much more to gain, and little to lose, if we let others into our hearts and minds. If our convictions are truly strong, and our foundations solid, we should be able to weather even the most extreme storms.
In the end, however, there is little that can be guaranteed. We never know how things will turn out, but when we know ourselves, truly know ourselves, we can see the humanity in others. Ask anyone over the age of 75 what things they found most important in life, and what regrets they have. The best we can hope for is a life of simple pleasures, and as little pain as possible. But this depends on our Mental Alchemy, the most crucial part of the whole process. Because no matter what happens to us in life, how many joys or pains we encounter, or what roads we go down, our perception of the results are all that matter. Eye of the beholder, or glass half full, one cannot deny that the only thing we truly have control over in this world is our perceptions, if we learn how.
Stay sane-
Carpo
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