Give to those who ask of you.
Tonight I finally began to do as Jesus commanded. I'm working on making it a habit.
Proverbs 19:17
"He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the LORD; and that which he hath given will he pay him again."
Matthew 5:42
"Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away."
Acts 20:35
"I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive."
Let me preface this by saying I am fully aware of these verses:
Matthew 6:1-4
"Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.
Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth:
That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly."
I believe the Father is directing me to post this in order to
Remind myself of the blessings of giving to others, and to continue doing as he commanded in order to "build my house on the rock".
To inspire others to do the same.
Also, I believe I have already received my reward before posting this. I do not believe any public recognition of my story will be my reward.
Here's my story....
I have been feeling pretty down and depressed lately. If one could observe my thoughts, emotions, and behavior, accurate descriptions woudl be confused,
helpless, hopeless, directionless, foggy headed, lacking motivation.
I felt compelled to begin smoking cigarettes, weed, and drinking alcohol again.
I felt angry emotions. I felt as if I wanted to rape a woman.
Again.
This rouge desire has been possessing me for over three years now.
I completely believe the line between good and evil splits down the middle of my heart.
Like Harry Potter.
I could/should be in the house of Slytherin.
But I give glory to the Lord, and thank Him for lighting my path with His word, and guiding me with wisdom to the House of Gryffindor.
I hope the Lord allows me to develop the habit of feasting my mind with the mental diet of holy, righteous, pure thoughts; completely starving out and killing thoughts of wickedness, unrighteousness, lewdness, and evil.
Directing me to take the right actions to build my house on the rock, and not on the sand.
For I had grown selfish, and proud. Believing myself to be God and to make my own rules in life. That Jesus commandments were foolish and I knew better.
That giving to the poor only hurt my bank account, and fed their drug/alcohol addiction.
I had not realized that by behaving in this prideful manner, I was allowing evil spirits to possess and harbor my mind to go down paths which grew fruits of wickedness.
I decided to not give to those who asked of me.
And I began to see and feel imaginations of being arrested and doing time in prison.
The blue, red, and white lights blinding my eyes.
The feeling of handcuffs put around my wrists.
The guilt and shame of what my family would think.
The near complete ruin of a bright future. Only darkness loomed...
I felt I was reaping a horrible harvest I had sown in the past, listening to the song by the band 'A Perfect Circle' entitled, 'Passive'. The lyrics going:
"Wake up (why can't you)
And face me (come on now)
Don't play dead (don't play dead)
'cause maybe (because maybe)
Someday I'll walk away and say
You fucking disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way"
Dissapointment from my parents.
And worst of all myself and my God.
I felt as if my imagination was forecasting my future... and as if I could not stop it or change it.
I was reminded of this verse from the book of Wisdom from the Catholic Bible (I highly recommend reading the whole chapter, I connected deeply to the emotions of terror the Egyptians had):
Wisdom 17:10-11 CPDV
"For, while there may be apprehension with wickedness, it gives testimony to condemnation, for a troubled conscience always forecasts harshness. For fear is nothing else but unfaithfulness to thinking helpful things.”
I struggled being faithful to thinking helpful things...
It began on Sunday, August 12th, 2018.
I enjoyed a wonderful time with my grandfather at a baseball park, and a relaxing evening my parents and brother at their home.
But a darkness dwelled inside me.
Cravings for alcohol, nicotine, and marijuana. Rouge desires to commit fornication. Lust in my heart for every woman I encountered. To waste my time viewing pornography.
Although life seemed great on the outside, inwardly I was planning to act upon these unhelpful ideas.
It was consuming my soul...
After I left, I began to execute my wicked heart's desires.
I purchased the alcohol.
I smoked the weed and cigarettes.
Then, a desire overcame me to practice guitar outside.
At midnight...
I approached the steps of the church near my apartment in this picture, and began to play my guitar and whistle.
Within 45 minutes I was approached by one gentleman.
He of course asked me for money.
And I actually gave.
He left.
Immediately afterward, I was approached by another man, with an intimidating presence.
I am grateful I was not robbed and physically attacked, for this man confessed to me he was seriously pondering killing himself. For he owed money to family for rent, and had no ability to get a job due to his criminal record.
So I gave once more.
I gave as the spirit led me too...
In hindsight, I believe when people in my life approach me, asking for money, it is because I owe something to life.
The perverse, sinful mental conversations I allowed to flow through my brain, without so much as a weak attempt at repenting, created a debt I needed to pay.
The impure thoughts I continued to entertain, and the wicked plans in my heart that I had not yet acted upon yet created a obligitory toll.
I had to pay the consequence for allowing myself to continue to fantasize about committing unrighteous acts.
Either through helping the poor.
Or by going to prison by actually committing a sexual assault/rape of a woman whom actually brought me closer to Christ and the Bible.
The man who approached me already committed a legal offense and was paying the consequences of them in his life.
He was paying the consequence for me.
Therefore, I owed him.
I am no better than they.
And they know not what they do...
They are merely actors, performing the work the Lord directs them to perform in order for me to learn a lesson in life...
I am grateful that by the great loving-kindness and mercy of God I have not acted upon these illicit, sinful desires.
By the grace of God:
I am blessed to be able to give money to the poor, homeless who are in need.
I am blessed to have a clean record, with no criminal charges.
I am blessed with a comfortable apartment to live in with sound-minded, merciful roommates, ready to give grace and forgiveness.
I am blessed with multiple opportunities to earn an income with a good reputation in all of the companies.
I must not squander and waste it!
Only by giving to these two men this evening have I come to realize this.
Because I have done as Jesus commanded, he has given me wisdom.
WISDOM.
Which is...
Proverbs 8:11
"...wisdom is better than rubies; and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it."
I thank the Lord for giving me the opportunity to do as he commanded, to be happy or to be chastened. I have come to experience this truth:
Proverbs 3:
"My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction: For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth. Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her. Length of days is in her right hand; and in her left hand riches and honour. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her."
I relate with this verse:
Proverbs 6:16
"How much better is it to get wisdom than gold! and to get understanding rather to be chosen than silver!"
I will gladly give away all the money I have in order to continue to obtain that sweet, sweet wisdom of the Lord! For I have tasted. It is much better!
For the wicked temptations have subsided for the time being. They are in the past. My thoughts are on the Lord and not on committing vile acts, displeasing to the Lord and my loved ones. Also to my future self. My higher self. My soul.
I know the sinful ideas will return. I ask the Lord for courage to say as he did when they return:
Matthew 16:23
"But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men."
I fervently pray for the strength to overcome temptation, for...
Revelation 3:21
"To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne."
I earnestly desire to walk in the law of the Lord. To keep his commandments and precepts.
My zeal burns for the miraculous power of God to help me:
Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
For Jesus said:
John 14:15
"If ye love me, keep my commandments."
Therefore, I hope and pray God will help me to love him with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength, and all my mind, and keep his commandments.
And seek his kingdom first.
For I know if I :
Matthew 6:33
"...seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."
I yearn for the Lord to transmute my wicked human heart's violent desires to pursue Him, for:
Matthew 11:12
"From the days of John the Baptist until now the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force,"
Give me your holy violent urge to pursue your words and to keep your commandments, Lord!
Let me do as the Lord commanded, keeping sound wisdom and discretion, proclaiming his wonderful works in public with courage, without fear, shame, guilt, apology or regret.
Amen