Sort:  

Don't trust me, that is the last thing I want.

A SW transaction is larger than a non SW transaction- fact.
Soft fork dangers - ehh you could argue with me but I would take a look at this post first
SW is not essential for lighting - fact
Hate BU? Core nodes with EC patch works just fine. - fact

You don't have to take my word for it!

Ok I'm not arguing... if not SegWit, what malleability fix is out there?

Flexible Transactions

Segwit is much much more than a malleability fix; it has so much bloat because of the desire to deploy as a soft fork.

But it is optional.

Optional? In that it should be deployed as a hard fork? Or that we don't need segwit in the first place, because we don't.