Are you?
Am I?
Depression is supposedly a strong, very strong word. It banishes people to their highest level of despair, suppressing the lowest level of happiness, draining the slightest positivity, banning the existence of happiness. Of course it's exaggerated, however might be true depending on the level of depression growing inside.
Depression used to be a very rare word only described by professionals in the field and people diagnosed, "used to". Nowadays the word Depression is as rare as cars on a Monday morning traffic, you can literally* see the word on every social media provided you have any friends on it and for me it just makes the word lose its essence.
*It's not literally if you're a forever alone
You can see so much value on the word Depressed now that it is able to substitute sadness, slight stress, things not going your way, bored, annoyed and a lot more. If ever the word Depressed makes it into cryptocurrency trading I'm sure its value will be higher than Bitcoin. Although you need to judge wisely, some of those crying for attention posts might be a true call for help post. Lend a helping hand to any friend of yours depressed, some do ask for help, some keep it for themselves.
I have depressive thoughts since I was a child although I did have quite a happy childhood, with family, friends and comfort around me. It just comes and goes, never really bothered my childhood. On the age of 23 now, it feels like a very stressful (stressful, not depressed) age to be in. Graduated college, working experience for 4 years (I attended night classes), looking ahead in life no longer 1 year ahead to school's final exam or 6 months ahead to college's new semester but somewhere far where you need to buy cars, houses, get married, giving your parents a comfortable retirement life and a lot lot more. These thoughts stuck with me since I was a child, not only appeared in these recent years of my life, it's just the realization is getting more and more real and all the childhood depressive thoughts is compiled together coming in strong and full.
I looked around my friends, same aged and older, almost all of them have these thoughts, therefore I should feel normal, the problem is I find myself unable to handle it as well as them. My own subjective thought of this is they are having these thoughts like when I had it in my childhood, it comes and goes, while I am now crushed under it like shouldering a giant rock. Is it that I'm weak being unable to handle these little stress? Therefore I looked it up and made a research (by research, it's not just googling for 10 minutes and done) then found out that depression is not only psychologically caused, but can also be biologically and one of them is the brain unable to produce Serotonin. This assures me a bit that I am not weak, but I do have problems inside me.
To be honest, I have never talked to anyone about this, not even my family. I recently got interested in cryptocurrency thus bringing me to Steemit and found a story/blog feature, learning about cryptocurrency helps me a lot keeping my mind occupied. Thought I might writing this to relieve some of my burden as I feel very uncomfortable telling it to anyone or crying for attention on social media, here on Steemit, though I know it's not anonymous, none of the person I know knows about this website and thus I tried to write something. I don't feel comfortable receiving encouragement or attention, therefore I kept this to myself, but as much as being uncomfortable, deep inside me still wants a tiny bit of attention. Deep inside me just hopes for someone to know how I feel and comes to me, gives me a hug and just tell me I Know.
Here is what you do: Excercise, Eat Proper, Engage in Spirituality. Observe yourself and the world in action without being judgmental, until you realise you are watching a stage show through universal eyes.
Hi stranger, it's really amazing the sudden relief I experienced writing this post
Indeed exercise is the best thing to do, in fact I used to go to the gym for 2 years during my senior high school and stopped after entering college for I work during the day
It was the best 2 years of my life, motivation flowed together with my blood through my whole body everyday
My muscles started growing, shaping, six packs, endorphin release, and a lot more
In fact it was the 2 years I topped my class and winning school competitions
It really felt great, I really want to do it again, but I couldn't
I don't know why, I can't get the fire to start burning
I know of the things I should and shouldn't do, but is unable to do it
I didn't know why though inside me tells me that it's the depression's work of art
I felt like saying it's caused by the depression is total excuse
In the end it made me feel bad on myself, guilty and blaming myself
There are easy solutions to making myself feel better and I didn't go for it, I dare not blame it on depression, but curse myself for chickening myself being this weak me
One of the reason I never told anyone before this post is I've always felt it's me who's being weak and will be laughed at for not even able to go for the solutions I know
I know this sounds cliche or attention seeking, but it just feels like no one understands me, and whenever I feel this way, i would again blame myself "of course no one would not understand you, you don't even talk to people about it, that's your own fault trapped in your own pathetic you"
Hey stranger, I appreciate your comment a lot, it's like the first attention I received from sharing my problem although I still feel a bit uncomfortable receiving it, it just feels better in myself to receive it that we are not acquainted
Good day to you
Thanks a lot
You should blame yourself only to the extend where you realise you are limiting your strength and potential. Be kind to yourself, you are your own best friend and mentor. If you are feeling low, motivation is really hard to come by, but i urge you to engage in any action you think is necessary, for no other reason because you like doing that specific thing and because you recognise that doing what you do is beneficial for the wonderful you. One act of love and kindness towards yourself first a day, is enough to get the ball rolling.
Remember. You are not alone in this, and you are definitely not the only one.
Onward and Upward.