It is common knowledge that the most difficult time to raise someone can be during the teenage years. The emotions run all over the place, the actions get bizarre, and the learning of consequences for one's actions begin to really sink in. Why is there often so much tension between the parent and teen? Obviously I'm not talking about all teens, but a great many (teens and parents) experience this. This puzzle may have been cracked.
What
When someone is a child, their whole identity is wrapped up in their parents, or whomever is raising them. They are the center of the child's world. As adults, our identities tend to be in ourselves, other people, things, or some greater cause. Adolescence is the transition between these two.
This necessitates a pulling away from the parents. During this process of identify transformation, many parents are still in the habits of how they raised their child in previous years - when the parent would direct the child for their own good. However when a teenager starts to want to do their own thing, and the parents continues trying to direct them, this can often result in clashes. Why?
The battle field that many of these parents and teens fight on is proper behavior. The parent wants their child to do what they believe is best for the child, and the teen wants to do what they feel is being true to themselves - even though they usually have not much of an idea of who this is yet. So this means that the actual battle field is on who the teen actually is - identity.
As we all know, any battle over who we are deep down can often be met with a very passionate response. What right does someone else have to tell us who we are? The answer is surprisingly complicated, but that will be the subject of a future post. Sufficed to say, most people, especially teens, don't have a well rounded understanding of who they are, and so this leaves them open to suggestion.
This is why the influence of friends can be so strong during this time of life. Gravitating to what looks appealing (on many levels) can provide a sense of direction in the teen's development of their identity. And if there is a continuous changing of directions, you can see how that would get confusing.
How
Parents need to lead their own household, not by controlling every little thing that goes on, but by engaging with both the head and heart to help everyone see the better direction everyone could move in. Parents need to guide their teens on the deeper "why" and "how" questions of life, and not just focus on the "what" of life. Be the leader and provide that direction.
Why
What an amazing place to hold in the life of another person that you got to set the stage for the life of another human being. For the vast majority of people, what we are imparted with while growing up are the tools for life, how we interact, and what we spend our lives dealing with (both good and bad). Growing out from this starting point is one of life's central challenges for all of us, and as you walk your own journey, being more mindful can open a world of positive interactions.
Yup, I figured this out a few years ago. Trapped in a lack of self-knowledge, attaching to various counter-cultural images to absorb and take in as an appearance of our identity to latch onto, as if it's "authentic" to alter external appearances when real authenticity is about inner substance. People get so wrapped up in looking different as if that makes them "authentic" and "self-expressive"...
So true! The external reflecting the internal... for many teens I would have to ask how much settled internal is there to reflect in the first place? Then again we humans want to feel whole, and often try to fool ourselves into thinking as much. So each "new" we think will make us whole, and yet it lands right back at the original question. Who am I, really?
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