Gosh, I found myself laughing hard, you are one comedian and I do feel you dearly, though I don't know much more about chess than King, Queen, and Pawns😂😂 that's something right?
This part though did get me cracked up,
So simply put, I am rather shit, like if two pawns had a baby in hopes it would follow the family career; I would be the one sent to work in the stables instead.