In this edition:
7 decades of success
Westerners' testimony
China's new all-terrain vehicle
The Emperor's Moments
ConfuXius says
And now: Let's all sing praise to China! Hail Emperor Xi!
7 decades of success
We have all seen the wonderful celebrations of our nation's great anniversary lead by our omnipresent Emperor Xi, praise be upon him. Therefore we will not give you another celebration, but will remind of the greatest Communist successes in 70 years history of the People's Republic of China, decade by decade.
1949:
After decades of heroic struggle our great chairman, Mao the Wise, could finally declare the founding of the People's Republic of China!
This was achieved with a minimal cost in human lives. Only a few million people, perhaps as few as 3 million, were killed to gain power. Compare that to the USA, where every time there is an election people spend millions if not billions of Dollars to get elected. It is much more efficient to simply eliminate your adversaries.
1959:
With the consolidation of power, Mao the Great was finally able to concentrate on cleansing society from anti-social and anti-communist evil. For the liberation of Chinese farmers and collectivisation of society we only needed to kill around 25 million people. We saved all these human being from suffering in jail for decades. This only proves how benevolent and merciful the CCP under chairman Mao was.
1969:
After actively eliminating counter-revolutionary forces in the decades before, the early 60's were the time of self-reflection. In his infinite wisdom, chairman Mao the Wonderous had initiated the Great Leap Forward. This was an effort to bring members of the Chinese society to the conclusion that material wealth is not what to strive for. That effort was so effective that dozens of millions decided upon self-reflection that life was just not worth it and starved themselves to death.
Following the self-reflection China collectively decided that the whole culture needed a revolution. In this spectacular fight for a new culture, several more million martyrs gave their live in the name Mao the Merciful.
More than 40 million Chinese happily sacrificed themselves for the wealth of the nation and for the glory of chairman Mao!
1979:
A somewhat disappointing decade in the glorious history of the CCP. The afterglow of the Cultural Revolution created a few million more martyrs, but after the heroic death of the great helmsman Mao the Immortal, our revolutionary fervor fizzled out somewhat.
1989:
After Deng the Reformer initiated his new economic policies, there were just a few hundred thousand martyrs for the revolution, spread thinly over the years and regions. Society, though, gained enormous wealth in these years. Which in turn led to the re-occurrence of counter-revolutionary efforts. Luckily, Deng Xiaoping and the CCP rediscovered their revolutionary spirit and created a few thousand more martyrs in one go in 1989. After that, there was heavenly peace on Tiananmen Square.
1999:
This was another disappointing decade. The heavenly peace of Tiananmen Square spread throughout China. The Chinese people concentrated on gaining wealth, while political fanaticism was fading. Only in 1999 it was rekindled somewhat when we found a new enemy in the Falun Gong. Sadly, these sectarians were not much of an enemy and were easily overwhelmed. But we could create at least a few thousand new martyrs for our Socialist freedom.
2009:
It didn't get better in this decade. The only noteworthy revolutionary achievement was the harvesting of perhaps 100,000 Falun Gong member for their organs. Well, this resulted in more martyrs for our revolution, but since they didn't put up much of a fight, it's not really much to brag about.
2019:
And here we are in glorious 2019! Since Emperor Xi, praise be upon him, took power in 2012, our revolutionary fervor is back. He will lead us back into the good old days of bloody struggle. Our enemies in Xinjiang are already trembling for fear, sitting in our concentration camps. Tibetan monks are praying to Emperor Xi, praise be upon him, to free them from the foreign yoke of the Dalai Lama, whose agents we will crush under our feet. Mighty Hong Kong is waiting in fear for our invasion. Taiwan will be re-unified within the next decade.
We will be able to celebrate millions of new martyrs. Bloody good times are ahead of us!
Let's all praise Emperor Xi!
Westerners' testimony
As we all know, the Western media are extremely biased and anti-China. This is well-known to us utterly intelligent Chinese, but now even some not-so-bright Western citizens come to realise how bad their media and politics actually. The China Daily Boast has spoken to some completely run-of-the-mill people. Here are their testimonies:
A.H. Itler, a painter from Austria:
S. Talin, a farmer from Georgia:
Carlos (who wants to stay anonymous, you see how bad it is in the West), from Venezuela:
China's new all-terrain vehicle
Under the infinitely wise guidance of Emperor Xi, praise be upon him, China's great scientists and engineers developed an entirely new and original vehicle to support our Antarctic endeavours. The Chinese heroes of Guizhou Jonyang Kinetics Co Ltd. constructed a vehicle that can drive on ice and snow, a feat that no other country has ever achieved. It is called Nanji 2. And in another great engineering achievement, it was painted red and yellow!
Here you can see how great it looks:
Oh, we are deeply sorry. That's not it. An incapable intern included the wrong picture. He has been fired immediately.
This is the real photo:
Oh, oh. Again we are incredibly sorry. An incapable temporary worker included the wrong picture. He has been fired immediately and has been reported to the authorities for smearing China's image.
Now enjoy looking at the great new Nanji 2:
Oh, oh, oh! We apologize profusely! An evil American spy had infiltrated our editorial team and planted the wrong picture. He has been arrested and will be shot tomorrow. After we cleansed the department, we can now show you the really real picture:
As you can see, it is a completely original design, never seen before. Our heroic Chinese engineers have outdone themselves. Look at these tracks with 7 (seven!) wheels. There are doors and mirrors. It even has windows, so you can see where you drive! Fantastic!
Inside the vehicle there are seats. It even has a steering system so that you can move it to the left or right. What's more, even a ventilation system and air conditioning are included. The crew doesn't have to freeze to death! Marvelous!
Again, China's amazing engineers and scientists have shown the world how superior they are.
Let's all praise Emperor Xi!
Our benevolent Emperor Xi, praise be upon him, was again very busy last week. He had to shake many hands!
Such a busy president! Aren't we lucky to have such a good hand-shaker?
Let's all sing praise to China! Hail Emperor Xi!
Always up for a bit of satire! :)
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