Third Annual Ned Scott Awards for Outstanding Achievements in the Field of Excellence!
This event is brought to you by Ned’s Perfect Hair tm. Remember folks: With Ned’s Perfect Hair, payouts are always fair.
(Scattered applause)
Also sponsoring tonight’s event: Show some enthusiasm you lazy fuckers, or get flagged by @steemit!
(Rapturous applause comes from the crowd, most of whom look as if they’ve slept in their formal wear. For about a week.)
I’m your host, @samueldouglas! Yes, that’s right future PhD holders, if you don’t come up with a decent patent or publish mountains of indecipherable journal articles, all that will stand between you and living in a cardboard box will be shilling so hard that you’re dead inside, just so you can get a few pretend internet money tokens from a CEO who looks too young to shave.
(Deathly silence, punctuated by crickets.)
Aaanyway, we’ve paid the deposit on the venue in fiat, but promised the balance in SBD, so we need to get this over with before some 30 year old living in his parents’ basement pumps it up too high. Let’s get the show started!
For outstanding excellence in both technical analysis and public relations:
@Haejin!
This steemian has proved that no amount of mosquito shaped graphs or magic cups & triangles can reliably predict cryptocurrency markets. He’s also shown, comprehensively and repeatedly, how vastly unequal power relations and ostentatious wealth can really, really piss people off.
We should all feel enriched by our association with Haejin, no matter how tenuous. Most of all, we should thank him and @ranchorelaxo for showing us the true meaning of loyalty. On that note, any of you ladies out there thinking trying to romantically snare this enigmatic korean, I’d advise you to stay in the friendzone.
Why should you swipe left on Haejin if he comes up on Tinder?
Because you want someone to have and to HODL, but he just wants to pump and dump!
(Many members of the crowd appear to be deeply aroused, hysterically enthusiastic, or both.)
For outstanding achievement in being most excellently divisive:
@berniesanders!
Bernie is the most polarising figure on steemit today…
(Crowd: Oh no he isn’t)
Oh, yes he is is...Who put you up to this? Cheeky fuckers - I'm not being paid panto rates you know. No more interaction - I hate interacting with real people unless they’re upvoting me - next category!
For outstanding achievement in the field of proving that money does actually make you funnier and sexier:
@trafalgar!
Sure, you might read trafalgar’s posts, not that there’s been many lately, and think that you crapped something funnier this morning. And yes, you might read @traf (though if you are a regular viewer of traf, you probably can’t read), and think that the skid marks in your jocks from that poop earlier contribute more substance to the blockchain.
Well, you’d be wrong. Look at the payouts on trafs posts - I can’t imagine a better use of trafalgar’s $80 upvote. And you know that unoriginal giphs with unimaginative captions would still be as popular if posted by some no-name no-steem loser. I mean, look at what gets votes on @dmania.
(Some audience members laugh so hard that they begin to vomit.)
Whoa, steady folks - no bodily fluids on the loose until the afterparty, please. Now, where was I?
An honourable mention for this category must go to @yallapapi - he was almost in the winner’s circle, but his word to SBD payout ratio was simply too high. Stand up and take a bow Yalla! What, he’s not here? Couldn’t afford the ticket back from Thailand, or at sharkschool taking payments ‘in kind’? Hahaha, who writes this shit? Fuck my life!
(People in the front row are clapping so hard that they appear to have broken their hands. Luckily my body mic isn’t close enough to pick up the grating of the bones. I wonder if the carpet is as sticky as it looks.)
For outstandingly consistent excellence in the consistent field of consistency:
@marc99.bank!
This account shows an almost god-like grasp of what it is to be creative, and brings a vast amount of traffic to our network, just by posting the same incomprehensible phrase over and over again, day in, day out. Day after day. Over. And. Over. And. Over.
The best part? @marc99 keeps on upvoting it, despite the hate from @mackbot and @spaminator. That’s love! Sure, it’s self-love, but that’s perfectly natural, no matter what you Sunday School teacher told you. Haters gonna hate - just because they had to write a whole post on the future of steemit or produce some work of art to earn the $1.90 that he gets by writing “dorogi yakuwo stimo a di porlew que qwa. Gros a bar isi koul ta! Serectivoti ensera zlot a si per au deesus.”. For those haters, fuck you!
(The crowd boos with apparent aplomb, just in case the all-seeing eye of @ned is on them. Who the fuck are these people? I knew I should have listened to my parents and become a chemical engineer or geologist.)
Finally, our last award.
For intergalactic-level interdisciplinary achievement in being incomprehensible, materialistic, and pseudo-anonymous:
@pinacle!
This "author" has all the style of a real-estate agent’s advertising brochure and all the depth of Paris Hilton in rehab. Kind of like a semi-literate solipsistic Buddha who can’t understand what all those people who don’t have money are so upset about.
Like many steemians near the top of our economic pyramid, this deserving recipient proves that you can write any old shit, throw in a photo of your dinner, and as long as it has a payout over $100, people will be incontinently positive in their praise for your genius - mainly because they're to fucking stupid to realise that it's all bidbot votes anyway.
Even better, no one knows pinacle is, or why they get the votes they do. Can any of you correctly identify this self-interested mystery, wrapped in an enema - or was it enigma? Meh, works either way. For moral, if not actual legal reasons, I must tell you that figuring out the identity of this account-holder will produce nothing but a crushing sense of self-doubt and existential terror, and that exposing them will be produce no reward, except the knowledge that you might have ruined the life of another human being - albeit one that is probably deeply flawed.
(People look confused. Goddamn it, does no one get ‘dark’ humour any more?)
While we wrap up, those of you feeling charitable might want to throw some love towards @greetersguild. Since @aluma gave up on greeting new steemians, the introduceyourself tag has been a lonely place. Strangely enough, other people acting as greeters or helping out with onboarding haven’t found it quite as lucrative as aluma did. What the fuck is that about?
Before we wrap up, I want to nominate the provisional hosts for next year: @benleemusic, and @kevinli - because this should be done by someone legitimately funny - just one catch guys - you need to prove your comedy chops with an entry in #comedyopenmic!
All right people - hope you’ve all cleared your schedules and your nasal cavities. Time to party! Sing it with me: Code is Law! Code is Law! Code is Law!
(I leave the stage, secure in the knowledge that I’ll keep all my essentials: kidneys, liver, skin and reputation score. Some douche-bag plays me out with ‘Fly me to the moon’. Probably thinks they’re funny. What an asshole!)
This is the most coherent entry I've seen in this category so far. You should win just for that. Plus it was funny while fully taking the piss. I like it.
Yeah, Sammy's a good one.
If I'm the good, who are the bad and the ugly?
Thanks @choogirl, I aim to please. Well, maybe not 'please', but you get the idea.
This entire post made my day better. Also, you have serious balls actually tagging all your roast victims.. who just so happen to be aggy whales! You're more of a man than I'll ever be.
Thanks for the great feedback. As for tagging people: If even comedians can't speak truth to power on steemit, we might as well be YouTube.
That was pretty funny, do you have a day job? Joke.LoL
Thanks. Yeah, I spent 10 years at university so I could be employed on a casual basis - fucking hilarious!
Just kidding - I'm not offended, though I don't currently have an ongoing postion, and precarious work in academia is a real issue in many places.
I read your news story, you are a pretty good reporter.
And for the best comedy guide: @amirtheawesome1 and @yesaye
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