I have often wondered
what it takes to live a good life. I have also wondered what I can do to contribute to the lives of others. A worthy contemplation no? That is how it seemed to me for years - but what I have noticed though experience is that it's a little bit misleading. This fixation, altruistic as it is, can never really be satisfied. More worryingly, it also seems to put the human being into a place where they can neither live a good life or contribute to the lives of others.
Does that make sense? Perhaps it sounds a bit paradoxical, so let me explain a bit more.
In truth, there is a great difference between our mental life and our actual connection with life. We have ideas of how things work, useful, but they are only alive in the living of them. It's exactly this kind of disconnection which creates so many situations that seem a bit off. The human being navigating these situations starts to think, what can I do to bring balance here? Then ironically we start to scheme all of these ways that we can 'make things right' - all the while imagining ourselves further and further from our connection to life.
It keeps looping back in on its self, dissatisfaction and searching for solutions. Busy busy busy. It's not very restful.
Life is Continually Emergent
Our experience of life is a continual dialogue which requires continual attention and listening. This is why it can be hazardous to always be thinking about things. If there is never space created for listening, then we could really lose sight of our basic aliveness and fundamental OK-ness.
I think this is related to people I see frowning as they walk down they street, really 'caught up' in something. I have often been that person, so I have some understanding of it. There's a preoccupation with the thought that dominates our attention and brings great disharmony. As if our assessment of life and people is the only real thing. Strangely the compulsion is to think our way out of it, let me tell you - it doesn't work 😝
I am not saying that a plan isn't useful, or that a rigorous understanding isn't also important. What I am saying is that plans and understandings need to be based in life and what life is telling us right now - otherwise we are worshiping dead gods so to speak. The overemphasis on intellect actually clouds judgement, thinking about things that aren't attached to life is not useful thinking - it's an avoidance of what is real and happening right now. It's the assumption that things are not OK, and we need to strategize our selves out of it.
Just like this, the mind consumes all of our attention - with the unfortunate consequence of not seeing the unfolding beauty present all around us.
Challenging Assumptions
The whole quest is contingent on a few assumptions. My radical suggestion is that if we don't make these assumptions then we don't actually have to do anything to live a good life or contribute to the lives of others. Our natural state will be revealed - the state that naturally does these things.
The first assumption we tend to fall into is that things are not alright, OK, and perfect right now. We like this assumption that something needs to change in order for things to be OK. It seems to be a good motivator, although it does create a hamster on the wheel scenario. Following this script means we are acting from dissatisfaction and resistance. In my experience where we are acting from is just as important as how we act.
My suggestion would be to look at things really closely when we come into a 'resistance' to life. To see if there is space enough to accept, allow, or just look at it. Look at the thoughts and feelings that say 'this is not OK and I don't accept it' and see if we can just let them be regardless of how intense they are.
No one can really tell you how this is going to pan out, so you just have to try it in your own experience in order to see what happens. There could be a tendency to jump straight back into the story though, if that is the stronger habit. Regardless give it a shot and don't make any assumptions.
The Second Assumption
The other assumption that human beings are fond of, is that to contribute to other peoples lives we need to actively be giving, pushing, convincing, and inspiring them. It's the idea that only through some kind of striving will we have an affect on things around us. There is definitely truth in it, yet it is the definitive truth?
What I have discovered in my own 'mellowing' process is that there is actually another truth. As I have begun dropping all of my agendas and not expecting anything from anyone, very different things have been happening.
You see no one can ever really do anything for anyone else, unless that person is in a very specific place where they are receptive and willing. That's just not how most people work. It's also a bit blurry in terms of free will, which is a major reason for being a human. We must make the choice ourselves for it to have lasting and real impact, no one can make that choice for us and we can't make that choice for anyone else.
Shout outs to @riverflows for a great article describing this in terms of wounded human beings the other day. In her encounters with people in pain she came into the clarity that there could be no healing without their openness willingness.
The main thrust of my point here is that there is a different way to affect others with is a very miraculous and subtle effect. Subtle enough to go unnoticed by many of us barbarians, we seem to need everything to be loud with explosions and dub horns.
This subtle affect is when you just be yourself, thank you @montycashmusic for a wicked awesome article describing this being yourself power. In being ourselves authentically and unreservedly it creates an invitation. It's the invitation for everyone else to be themselves and drop all of the scripts of shame and self limitation. That's some freaky powerful magic if you ask me.
Subtle Effects
Seeing this in operation is quite astounding. The main way I have observed it is in the lifestyle choices I have made. This is taking on a plant based diet, limiting caffeine, quitting drinking, and doing meditation and other practices. I set out to do these things for myself, and I actually mostly kept quiet about them until people asked me about it. I guess the main affect of doing these things was just that it makes me centered and happy to be alive.
This strange subtle affect manifested in the number of people who spotaneously have decided they also want to experiment with something good for them, whether that's a little bit of fasting - or maybe skipping that morning coffee. Or maybe even doing 5 minutes of meditation when before they thought it was a bit weird. These wonderful human beings have spontaneously decided to do these things, not because I directly said or did anything - but because I was being who I am.
Somehow there is a transmission, when who we are and who another person is starts to subtly mingle - and there is enough enjoyment and resonance there for spontaneous changes to start happening.
Inexplicable Beauty
It's hardly explainable in logical terms, but in my experience this is the truth - we don't have to go anywhere or do anything to live a good life. The good life is happening right now, if we just take a moment to breathe in and feel life fully.
In the years since I have 'given up' on wanting to put life into any particular shape. Well it's been strange just how magnificently things have began to transform in the world around me. Not because of my own ego and need to be a changer, but in humbling myself to lifes natural harmony and beauty.
Truly a great gift you can give to life and other humans it to be the ball of wholesome goodness you were born as - and can never not be. In just being that there is resonance, enough resonance to subtly bring things around you into resonance - a subtle magic which is experiential and easily underestimated by the speculative mind.
Much Love, Truth, and Clarity
PhillyC
oh wow @phillyc, this is a beautiful and thoughtful post. I truly enjoyed reading your perspective. I do love the idea that we can have a positive influence just by being ourselves. Thank you for this, it was such an uplifting read.
Sagacious words yet again, thanks phyllyc.
rocking on my bro ✊
You nailed it: "we don't have to go anywhere or do anything to live a good life. The good life is happening right now, if we just take a moment to breathe in and feel life fully." And so it is. A lovely, lilting post dripping with truth and perspective. Thank you.
thank you for such a sweet response :)
It's the listening part we aren't always so good at. I think we could be pretty good self healers if we had the wherewithal, or the knowing, to be able to really, really listen - both to ourselves and the world. Sometimes we listen, and then put earplugs in and say 'la la la la' and block it all out - and don't progress. I guess we're all doing the best we can.
Excellent observation miss river. It's the really listening that seems to be the sticking point. It's a bit strange really, it's like in one way we are listening to ourselves, and in another way we are ignoring our selves (or what we take to be ourselves in terms of thoughts). Perhaps some clarity is needed as to the different parts of ourselves in operation.
😇😈😍