I haven’t written in a while.
Been trying to keep myself and my mind busy other ways…
Time with the family, catching up on TV series, trying to just be better.
So far, there’s progress.
However slow, it’s still progress and I’m no longer stuck in a rut… in the mud just spinning my wheels.
But healing, it isn’t liner.
It’s not just something we can cross off this week’s “To-Do” list.
It’s an ongoing conversation between your mind, and your body.
A way to undo damage that’s been building up, sometimes for years.
I’ve been trying to do better, to think better, act better, BE BETTER.
I no longer want to hold anger or resentment, and certainly not hate.
But there will be times, like in everything, where there’s a hiccup, a weakness…
Last night I had a dream.
It was…… weird.
But not weird in a cotton candy clouds and three headed pony kind of way…
Weird as in, it felt SO real.
I woke up from this dream sobbing, trying to just catch my breath.
I haven’t had a dream like that in so long….
I haven’t dreamt of this person or felt those things in months.
But there I was… I could feel their hand on my hand.
I could feel the raw emotion.
The feeling of my chest splitting open, to a beating, bloody heart.
I could feel the hot tears on my cheeks.
I felt the urge to do…. More.
This was on my mind ALL day today.
I kept thinking about what was said in this dream…
If it was true, or just my deep, dark desires.
Was this the dam break?
The rush of everything I’ve been working so hard to keep at bay?
Or, something else?
Did they have this dream too?
I don’t know WHY I had this dream, I just know how it made me feel…
It’s things like this that make my mind race.
I just needed to write it down, let it out.
Maybe this will help me move past it.
That dream, it blew off the dust.
It stung.
But it also reminded me of how far I’ve come, and how I don’t want to go back to where I was.
Healing is not linear.
Here’s to sweeter dreams tonight.