Smartphones are a parenting nightmare. When everyone at your child’s school has a smartphone, how do you be the parent that makes your kid different because they don’t have one? When you do give your child a smartphone, how do you monitor what they are looking at? When your child resists and screams at you for taking away their smartphone, how do you respond to that? How do you protect your beautiful child from the dangers of a digital landscape?
@ecoTrains question of the week is: "Should parents set a minimum age or some restrictions for their children to own a smartphone, and if so what would they be?"
I was chatting to my sister about this this morning, who told me that at my nephew's school, some kids as young as six have Instagram.
Now, to me this is abhorrent. It’s a little like little kids wearing make-up. They’re swimming in adult worlds that they aren’t psychologically ready for – a highly sexualised environment that invites concern for their moral development and, I’m sure you’d agree, puts them in all kinds of dangers. I’m not going to talk too much about the effect of internet use on developing brains, because I think we know a lot about that already:
Thus, my desire to walk up to toddlers who have an Ipad in their hands and snatch it from them is probably justified. I think we can easily agree that they need to wait til they are a little older, and as for any precise age, that's going to be different for every kid.
But is a ban until a specific age really the way to deal with older children who desire access to technology and see it all around them – in the classroom, on television, and most definitely in their parent’s hands? It's kinda hypocritical really - hey, we expect you to be mature and adult, but you can't have what we have: you can't vote, you can't have a voice, you can't do anything until you are some arbitrary legal age. Ugh. Imagine how unfair that would (rightly) seem when we were kids?
We’re at this interesting junction in history where kids are being raised as digital natives. We’re actually not far off becoming cyborgs where the machine has become part of us – an extension of our physical self that assists us in all kinds of ways. I'm not sure you can keep a kid out of that world until a perceived 'adult' age of 16 - just like there's no way we wouldn't have crossed those legal boundaries set for us when we were kids. If anyone DIDN'T drink/smoke/have sex/do drugs before 18 or 21 here, I totally applaud you - but it's not realistic that adults set legal boundaries for kids and expect them to obey and adhere to it.
I don’t buy the argument that ‘the youth of today need to know all the skills that we learnt as kids, because tradition blah blah blah’. We’re spinning toward the future – we can’t hold onto the past, but figure out ways to negotiate where we’re at at the moment. But, just because they're digital natives, doesn't mean they know how to negotiate life, just as being a native of Earth doesn't give you the automatic skills to get around life's pitfalls and complexities.
As adults, then, we have to talk to kids about what it is they want to do, give them the skills to move through a future that's essentially theirs. We have to set restrictions for their explorations - sure kiddo, you can explore, but we are sure as hell are going to talk to you about what this all means, because we love you and have your best interests at heart.
Cyberbullying: Be Aware and Pro-Active
Most teenagers I speak to know that smartphones have their ills – cyberbullying being one of them.
In Australia, the recent suicide of young Dolly prompted her parents to start a campaign against cyberbullying as she was relentlessly targeted via Snapchat. Bullying has always been around – I was bullied as a kid – but I can’t even imagine not having the respite that being at home used to bring for me. My parents never really knew the extent of it, and unless you’re looking over your child’s shoulder at every text or message, there’s no way you can monitor what’s going on your kid’s phone. Campaigns like Dolly’s Dream asks people to talk to their teenagers, to educate about what to do in cases of cyberbullying.
For me, it was important to raise my kid as a compassionate and kind person who empathized with others and wouldn't be an asshole. Sometimes the rules in cyberland are exactly the same as those in real life.
Monitoring Usage – Controlling What they See and Do Online
Let me just firmly say that we can't set 16 as the wise old age for kids getting smartphones. They are far more digitally active, savvy and digitally tribal before that, and many of them would resent such limitations as they are forming their adult selves and need to do this away from parental control.
Think about all the boundaries you were testing as a kid as you figured out who you were.
My 12 year old nephew has an Instagram account. For a while he was right into scooter tricks and wanted to post videos for his friends. Now, it’s all about surfing. My sister knows he does it because he wants to connect to his tribe, just like we all do (think about why we’re on Ecotrain or TribeSteemUp). She knows that these are some of the benefits of his digital foray, plus, she gets access to another side of her son – an emerging identity that will eventually find its own place in a wider social context.
Yet, she’s caring – she needs to protect her child from harm. One of the conditions was that my sister constantly checked his account and unfollowed or blocked people that she knew weren’t genuine friends or that were unhealthy relationships. He quickly learnt to check out people’s profile first and to discern whether they were advertisers dedicated to selling him things through promoted content or what to do if sexualised content arose (which, thank God, has been a relatively rare event). She also uses FamilyZone, an app that helps monitor your child’s internet use and keeps them safe (this is an Australia/New Zealand initiative). She can set usage times – for example, turning the phone off at night.
She also only lets him have 1GB so he has to be really careful about how much data he uses. In this way he’s being educated about digital worlds so when the limitations are finally removed, he’ll be aware of how to travel such virtual landscapes with discernment and intelligence. It's really just like a curfew - I'll let you go, honey, but there's limits to this.
I wish I’d had the FamilyZone app when Jarrah got his phone – I had to literally extract it from his fingers past 8 pm and it’d be the first thing he asked me for in the morning. ‘Hi Mum, can I have my phone?’ ‘Love you too darling, NO’. Then I discovered that he was using his old ipod as it connected to the internet, so we had to turn the wifi off completely at night.
Sure, it’s a battle, but then so is parenting teenagers – there are strategies parents have to adopt because it’s in their child’s best interests. I spent a lot of time showing Jarrah how the internet worked, about the strategies people used to try to sell you products, to brainwash you and socially construct you. As a consequence, I’ve raised a child that won’t fall for anything – so much so that he hasn’t bought new shoes for 3 years because ‘why do I need them when these ones work just fine?’ and rarely posts on social media because ‘it’s all a load of bullshit, anyway’. And here am I trying to convince him to get on Steemit!
Finding Balance Between A Culture of Comparison and a Culture of Connection
Much research points to how Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and other social medias lead to increased feelings of depression, anxiety, loneliness and poor body image and self esteem. A ‘like’ culture is a system of rewards that affects the dopamine system in the brain (yeah – we know that – how did you feel when you got your first #curie?) and we’re more likely to like those that get more likes. It’s good to be liked. It feels good. It’s a herd mentality – we want to be like the herd because it feels good. Thus, if you’re not getting the likes, how does it make you feel? This isn’t confined to social media – as humans, we are always comparing. Am I good enough? Everything from how we look to our position in society is compared.
Yet on the other hand, these communities are also beneficial – if you’re an introvert or have social anxiety, you can monitor how and when you use the internet and the face you present to the world and still connect to others. Like us, teenagers are hardwired socialising and we can’t deny them this. I remember clutching the telephone to my ears for hours talking to friends because I was lonely and reaching out. Thus, marginalized teens can find support and friendship through social media – consider LGBTQ teens or those with mental health issues. Connecting to other teenagers with similar problems is far more beneficial than being alone, or feeling like you are the only one.
If education and conversation can prevent teenagers feeling like they have to compete or compare (I teach mindfulness to teenagers and feel like that’s the way to realise it’s not really reality, only their discriminating mind that’s creating these feelings) then the use of social media then shifts to the positive – finding similarities and connections between us rather than differences.
Assume that Teenagers are Practicing Adults
We've got to be careful about the stories we tell about 'the youth of today' as well. A quick search of images online and there's two camps - one that bemoan and worry that social media destroys communication skills and one that says that kids still are socialising, but in different ways in a different world. If we help them out on the way, aren't they going to figure it out for themselves in the end? Can't we trust them to figure it out for themselves, just as we figured out this big bad scary world?
It's a nutty problem, and even when I'm writing this, I'm totally getting the psychological damage that tech can do. But I'm looking at the 'youth of today' in my world and they're doing okay with the boundaries and limitations that their parents have set or are setting for them. Smartphones are here - we can't totally control our kids lives despite really worrying about how they'll be affected. They need the freedom to figure out who they are and we need to let them to that.
We can't restrict them entirely, but we can sure as hell do our best to guide them through it.
What do you think? Are you a parent? How do you deal with this tricky world of smartphones and kids?
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nice article it is very impressive.
Thanks muchly, appreciate you commenting!
I saw an 8-year-old child with iphone x ;D
Yeah, that's pretty common!! A big worry, for sure!
Very impressive work I really like it..
Thanks so much for your comment!!!!
I use my smart phone to check "wechat" every day. I guess I average every three minutes. I really want to try some days without my smart phone, but it's not easy initiative to do this thing. I every kid needs a smartphone in the 21st century!! Thanks for your thoughtful post @riverflows, its really an oversight
An insight, perhaps, I'd hope? Not an oversight. It's hard - it's totally addictive! But as adults, we're responsible for it, like smoking! So we have to educate kids to self monitor I guess (I should have also written about this in the post, but it was getting a bit long) - thanks so much for commenting! xxx I agree, it's the 21st century - smartphones are necessary and here to stay!
I actually did not have a Smartphone until 2016, I was 26 years old at that Point. I was just fine without it up until that Point, but once I had one, I was actually scared by how dependend and almost addicted I got to that Thing in no time.
In fact, that still scares me to this day, especially looking back at it.
A couple weeks ago, I heard a great Phrase somewhere, it said that "Rules do not exist to bind you. They exist so you may know your freedoms."
I can see why this sounds unappealing to some, but the more you think about it, the more reasonable it becomes.
Smartphones are absolutly useful devices and I am glad that I have one, it has been helpful in many a case, but as any luxury Item, it should be used in modesty.
I totally agree. I really love this quote:
It's like you don't know light without darkness, sickness without health. We do live in a dualistic world. however, the dualisms allow us to understand more about the world we live in, so though we can go 'man, i wanna be freeeeeee', we have to realise why boundaries might exist in the first place - specifically, as educative tools.
thanks ever so much for your great comment!!
I notice you haven't made a post yet. Did you just get on board Steemit? If so, well done for commenting and engaging!!! Keep up the good work!
I just started on here yesterday. I am new to Blogging but I like the concept of steemit and I will start posting very soon. Looking Forward to how this experience will shape up.
Great. Put your profile picture and banner photo up so you look professional from the beginning!! xxx
yes really ...all children need a lot of freedom and boundaries ...i agree with you
it's such a fine balance, isn't it? Thanks for commenting, appreciate it. Do you have kids? What's your thoughts on smartphones?
no I don't have kids ,i am still a university student [single]......smartphones come as a solution to facilitate as in our daily life communication with friends..
i love your article. chidren are humans too. they need to access all useful neccesities that we use today like the internet. However, they need guidance inorder to prevent them from misusing it.
this is a great post and i am resteeming it.
Awww thanks!!! xxxx Appreciate!
I agree. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. And the middle ground's not that much more appealing, as well - at least from an effort perspective. But that's where your skill as a parent comes into play, in the setting of these personal boundaries. I mean, you could be lucky and have a child who doesn't take much coaxing into the 'safe zone', but for most, it's much more problematic than that.
It requires strength to enforce these kind of boundaries, not only in the first place, but to be consistent with them once they have been put in place. You can't waiver. If you break once, that's it, you've set a precedent, and kids being as canny as they are, never miss a beat, especially when it comes to extending their influence into areas that currently being put off limits to them.
It surely will be interesting to see how the coming generation develops. We can already see shades of it now in the instant gratification, selfie, meme style 'cult'-ure that has been gathering momentum for the past 10 years or so.
There are parts of all this modern progression that I love. The convenience of all our devices, the connectedness and how much they have done to facilitate change and bring awareness to important cultural and societal issues.
But the cost? Our kids, and thus our future. The emphasis placed on social media and all these devices is ripping the spontaneity out of what should be some of the best and most carefree years of a persons life.
Yet, the drop in age of diving into the murky world of validation hunting is only going to succeed in rooting issues of self-worth that will last a lifetime.
I was lucky enough not to become a potential victim of all that when I was younger. I kicked a ball around until dark, and was beside myself with joy if I was allowed to stay up late and watch the X-files!
It's an incredible time to be alive, but the direction in which we are heading sometimes gives me cause for exasperation...
I'd upvote this thoughtful reply but my VP is low, but hopefully I can repay this amazing thoughtful comment when I gather strength, so I'm following you :)
I agree - you are simply not effective to teenagers if you're inconsistent. However, there are exceptions to this rule, such as 'I'm sorry honey, I can see I was wrong, because I'm human too.'
I think we're exasperated at any age, because the future is scary and we worry about the good things we'll lose - like, oh my god!! The Xfiles - Mulder and Scully - I still adore them!
But my nephews are carefree and spontaneous, because of the set boundaries....they've thoughtfully given those kids a great childhood and the kids are living proof it still exists!!!
Isn't it crazy - the ten year shift!!! I miss the days that you could actually look for a review on the internet and it wasn't compromised by advertisers etc.
I still believe the kids will be alright. I think it's dangerous to tell them otherwise. They need to know the world is theirs to inherit and take care of. We can talk about it all we like, but god, let us let the kids know they'll be alright, as long as they're kind and compassionate and caring and aware. That's all we can do. And the best we can do.
Ah no worries, man. It's alright. Thank you though. I appreciate it :)
Of course you're right, there's always going to be exceptions to the rule. You need to be flexible in your approach as much as you are consistent. It's like walking a tight rope. It's all about being person centred at the end of the day.
I think that's why so many parents struggle. They bring their kids up the way they were brought up, which invariably, is a recipe for disaster, as society and culture are ever changing. Plus, their kids are have their unique personality with their own needs.
Well said. You don't want to bring that kind of negative mindset into a child's upbringing. The aim is to teach with love, not rule by fear. It's all about self empowerment as you allude to. Each generation is supposed to supercede the next in terms of those virtues you mentioned, but if they're not forthcoming in there's no guide post to go off.
Ultimately, I'm also optimist. I gave up on cynicism quite some time ago. I do believe we have a bright future. The conscious awareness of some of the children born in the last ten years blow me away!
You can take your pick of viral videos, showing kids who've solved complex problems with their ingenuity. I think we'll be alright. :)
Oh my gosh this is exactly what im saying. Cynicism gets you nowhere nor does banging on about the past. Kids are awrsome.. make them think that and theyll be the oones changing the world instead of giving up in despair!
Thank you for this! Such a wonderful topic. I see far too many kids absorbed in screens before the age of 8. It's so often used as a "babysitting" tool today. Kids need to get outside and use their imaginations!
I've heard of research studies showing that kids born into using smartphones too early lack social skills, which is no surprise. I think being bored is awesome for kids...it forces them to use their creativity to create fun out of nothing, instead of mindlessly clicking on colorful candies in games like candy crush.
Hopefully this will wake some people up! Thanks again!
Ah no problem. There's a whole other bit I want to write about.. the importance of daydreaming!!!!!
My niece and nephew don't get unlimited access to devices and it's a constant point of contention, but they are also bright, creative, self disciplined, etc... They aren't allowed to have devices in their rooms. They don't quite understand it but it is clearly making a huge difference in their lives. My niece is super into horses and spends her time volunteering at the stables and learning to ride. My nephew has more the personality type where I think he could withdraw into the online world. But cause he is limited he actually meets up with friends and plays D&D kind of stuff, and he draws all the time and is becoming a pretty great artist. I mean a lot of it is characters from video games etc... and also new characters he develops for the live action RPGs he is into. Which I think is super cool. I think it wouldn't be happening if he could just sit online all day because his natural tendencies are to stay in. The other side of that argument is that he could potentially nurture that creativity online, but something seems wrong about that to me, with the total lack of social interaction. I personally had unlimited access to computers as a teenager, and was loosely homeschooled and then dropped out young. I would stay online 'til 5 or 6 am and then sleep 'til 1 or 2 constantly. This was the time of 486 computers and the internet was nothing like it is now. It took me many years to adjust and develop new habits to function in the real world. I was always after the instant gratification. If I ever have kids, they are gonna be so pissed at me for taking their devices away and limiting them on their time online. But I personally believe it's the right thing to do, and a lot of data seems to back up that belief.
Yep totally. Sounds like you totally admire your nephews as i do mine... god what sparks they are .. such amazing beings!!!! And such different personalities for sure. You seem to have turned out amazing regardless Nick! See, the kids are alright!!!
They wont neccassarily be pissed. My nephews arent... its been totally explained to them and though they roll their eyes as kids do, they kinda get it. Im a big believer in levelling with kids... theyre always smarter than we give em credit for!
All studies and research aside, personal anecdotes are totally proof on the proverbial pudding! They'll be valid stories to tell your kids for sure!
This is such a difficult problem to find balance with. The problem is in some ways related to the naivety of children, and the balance of preserving that, and protecting them online. I know a girl around 11 who posted a vidro of herself before dance class. Her and her friends were messing around with leotards on, dancing like beyonce, but that is a very suggestive dance for a young girl to post on a public profile. I think her mum must have had a talk with her, but it is sad that she had to start thinking like that. I agree that a lot of responsibility rests on the parents, but children are using these platforms, so in some way I feel the platforms themselves need to do more the cater for younger users.
I don't think they can... it's easy to lie online about your age, and most businesses want to suck people in at any age. I really believe it's up to the parents. Xxx
@Calluna isn't that a sad story and a common one
..kids being naive and innocent and harming themselves without realising.
Great to see this post doing so well @riverflows. it's something we have just started broaching as a family with our little one who is 4 (but have been discussing it for a long time) as she starting to obsess over phones but also tablets/tv youtube. Were totally pro-technology but at the same time, it needs to be done in a way that not only enable's the child to grow within our tech-driven society but has to protect them from themselves and the dark side of people and technology
We've often said that it's scary how many more challenges this generation will face compared to what we did growing up
Picked up some good advice from this that we will look to implement as time goes on thanks
Oh @digitaldan also I forgot to write that drawing up contracts is also a good idea!! My sister does it with her kids.
It is a tough one... I'd DEFINITELY limit screen time for a 4 year old for sure. Good luck.. it does totally pose a dilemma for you.
I'm so glad I had my kids just before smartphones became a thing. I often ask myself how I would handle this and I don't envy young parents who have to deal with all the issues that come with kids and technology today. In addition to the psychological effects, I would also be worried about their physical health such as eyes, posture, breathing, lack of exercise etc. I'm hoping that in the near future, there will be new strategies and mechanisms which make it easier for parents. Maybe it's just about getting the kids outdoors more again and distract them with things that are really exciting. My daughter and her partner are talking about having kids in a few years and how they plan to limit technology and encourage real-life, hands-on play and sports instead. Just the way they themselves grew up, before technology took over kids' time and minds. I believe young people will see the downsides and rise to the challenge, somehow. Hopefully, the trend won't do too much damage in the meantime. Thanks for a great post to raise awareness and encourage this important discussion.
this is a great write up! you did the topic great justice and since you have a kid yours comes across as realistic (cuz it is!). i get that limiting it or making them wait is going to be a total fight, i would just be worried about the young kids being so glued to it and literally changing cognitive function! it's def the battle of the digital tribe age (i like that- did you coin it?). obviously you're a great example of a parent setting healthy boundaries and educating your child. i moreso fear for the parents who aren't practicing mindfulness nor teaching it to their children and the kids who are losing out on face to face time or physical activities bc of phone addiction. you're right though, they'll figure out this big bag scary wonderful crazy world just like we all did...
Good stuff! I think it's so important to guide them and really talk to them. That's so awesome that you taught your son about commercialism and marketing tactics.
I honestly think their brains are different. I remember watching my oldest play this kind of trippy 3D game many years ago, and it gave me vertigo and made me a little nauseous, but their brains seem to be evolving.
I felt really bad once - we were in spain and he must have been about 4 - we were so poor, I was literally carrying a bag of food around in a plastic bag with crackers and queso fresco, a tin of chickpeas and some tomatoes. He saw these toy soldiers in a shop window and wanted them, whereupon i gave him a lecture on how they were placed at his eye level, military blah blah, plastic pollution, etc etc. The poor kid - he was only 4. Sometimes I wished I'd just bought them for him haha. But then, probably saved him in the long run!
Awww. I can feel this in my heart. It's hard. Sometimes I do just buy them the plastic shit. Balance is good. I'll tell you. My oldest always wanted a batarang, and I just never even really understood what he was talking about and kind of ignored it, and oh lord, he talked about it over and over but eventually gave up. Last Christmas I bought him one, and it was such a sweet moment for us.
Enjoyed this write-up a lot! I am impressed at how your sister is maintaining a balance with your nephew using Instagram and not letting that turn into addiction. Shows how nice her parenting style is.
Thanks for reading!!! Shes a great hands on parent and her kids are beautiful bevause of it.