When we are clear on what we want from other people, especially when we are clear about what we want their reasons to be in doing something, then it becomes clear to us that we can rarely get our needs met through rewards, threats, or punitive measures.
Whether we are parents, teachers, or some other "authority" figure, we don't get our needs met by reward or punishment. If we get the results we desire, they will usually be short term and with the terrible price of resentment, lost respect, reduced trust, and reduced connection. No one who is the least bit "conscious" and forward-thinking is going to want anyone to do anything for us out of fear, guilt, or shame. Sustainable power is not power over; it is power with.
How do we shift into this kind of awareness?
Nonviolent Communication, a Language of Life is a book by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD (NVC), that provides easy tools for rewiring our brains to understand concepts around consent on such a deep level, it becomes part of us.
And bonus, it provides the following benefits, as well!
- Increase our personal power by recognizing how "sticky" or "clean" certain words and phrases are, when voiced to ourselves and/or others.
- Increase joy in all facets of human relationship by reminding us of the ways we are the same.
- Build courage around asking for what we want in a compassionate way by practicing the hard questions. NVC helps us have more confidence in asking the hard questions because (a) it shows us how important those questions are; (b) it shows us ways to ask those questions that are less likely to bring up defensiveness; and (c) provides us with methods for addressing defensiveness, if it comes up .
- Learn to pick up on the expressions and microexpressions common to all humans, so that we can more easily understand what their needs (wants) are. This is not through the study of body language, but instead through the practice of asking the right questions and trusting that - over time and with repetition - our brains will assimilate the answers to those questions with the visual information we are automatically taking in.
- Understand on a deeper level how responsible we are for our own feelings and needs. This empowers us to take control of our own lives and we become less likely to play the victim role.
- Increase how often we automatically feel empathy, both cognitive and emotional.
- Refine negotiation and collaboration skills through increased understanding of how human feelings and needs underlying those feelings work, understanding on a much deeper level what people want.
- Provide clear instructions on how to dissipate anger in the moment in a manner that is also cumulative in that every time we use this method, anger is less likely to come up in the future!
Here are two graphics I created to illustrate a method I've come up with using NVC to rewire our anger response
Thank you for taking the time to read this! Please feel free to comment, reshare without permission, follow me, and check out my other articles on these topics. Also, I'm a perpetual student, open to being shown what I have been blind to. Thank you!
What do you think is the opposite of Anger? In "The Surprising Purpose of Anger" Marshall writes, "I don't think we get angry because our needs aren't getting met. I think we get angry because we have judgments about others." I agree. So, if anger is the result of judging someone negatively. What is the result of judging someone positively? I've been unable to come up with a satisfying answer for myself.
At the risk of sounding cliche, how about "love?" Or "acceptance?"
Wonderfully written on anger and stimulus. Also I like the part where you said the how Nvc can help in asking difficult questions.
At the same time, I think that you can written mostly about anger however blog topic is consent power and anger. Would like to see more of your writing about consent and power in upcoming blogs.
Thanks for wonderful post @scottermonkey