Another one of those nights.
Words bouncing around inside my head like silly putty off a childhood wall.
Secret pain secret tears just keep laughing. Keep laughing. Cryptic antiseptic for the flailing soul.
Darkness.
Shame.
What would my mother say?
You don't talk to her anymore.
What would my father say?
You don't talk to him much.
Can I call myself a part-time orphan at 41 or do they stop running after midnight?
Reparenting.
It sounds ugly.
It's part of the journey. The journey gets ugly.
Should I have said that? Should I have done that? Should I have eaten that bought that looked at that wished for that fucked that signed that taken that step off that train and onto this high speed terrain that won't stop won't stop god please make it stop?
People stuff. Just everyday normal people stuff. It doesn't matter that my journey is unique. Nobody else can take it with me. [kick and scream]
How did I get here again?
Oh, yes, the journey.
Did I wake up to this or am I still dreaming?
Both. It's the journey. Remember?
I keep forgetting. I keep losing my mind and finding it again in these painfully sane places. [kick and scream]
Why did I put it there??!
No, wait, don't tell me.
The journey.
Tricky bastard.
Making me work for it. Making me fight for it. For what, though?
What am I fighting for?
My life?
Happiness?
What is happiness? Is it eternal bliss or a two-second burst of laughter? Is it marriage kids dog cat car car mortgage christmas at the beach house? [kick and scream]
Is it love?
Oh, love.
You fucking asshole. You manipulative narcissistic strength-sucking liar. I used to trust you, you know. I used to believe in you. Used to think you were all I needed, love in a cottage, all I wanted, love is all you need, until you turned into heroin dope crack cocaine sugar all I could do all I could think about, love conquers all.
Stay the fuck away from me, you edge-stealing freak. [cold shoulder, unreturned text messages]
No.
Don't tell me. Don't tell me that finding love is part of the journey. I'm still clinging to the delusion of happily ever after and once I figure out what happiness is I'm gonna go talk to the captain and see if we can't point the boat train wagon plane car bus love lust toward that golden horizon and keep heading into that shit until I die of an overdose.
Is that what you want? To derail and capsize and crash all this hard work?
No?
Well then what do you want from me, journey? Where are we going? What is our purpose?
.
.
.
.
.
...silence...
[kick and scream]
all words and photos made by me and cannot be used without my permission
I only looked at the pictures.... swear....
😉
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STOPTo support your work, I also upvoted your post!
Check out the last post from @hivebuzz:
Thanks for the support, @ackhoo and @qurator team!
so good, particularly loved the rhythm here:
Should I have said that? Should I have done that? Should I have eaten that bought that looked at that wished for that fucked that signed that taken that step off that train and onto this high speed terrain that won't stop won't stop god please make it stop?
Thanks! It's pretty easy to make stop rhyme with stop.
Honestly this was just something I tried to sneak in behind my corvid post. A little release, putting it out there, not expecting or really even asking for any votes. Just dropping some words into the sea in the hopes that the universe hears me and my plea to make sense of all this arduousity. Arduosity? How do you spell a word you invented...
Anyway, hundred of votes later I learned they are always watching, those curators. Be careful.
Thanks for reading. Say hi to Dan and Ed for me.
Ummmmmm just discovered this piece and ummmmm I used the word asshole in my post too today. Are you an '81 or '80? Just curious.
October 14th 1980. Monkey trying to keep everything in balance.
So we have the same name and are the awesome 80s generation. Nothing's gonna stop us now...
🤣As long as we don't turn into mAnnaquins...