Last night my wife and I had a little bit of a misunderstanding. And this morning again it triggered into another round, on the way to sending our son to soccer. I sometimes wonder if this is similar to other couples, or maybe it's just us.
I then realised that all of these misunderstandings that we face are linked to 3 Key Areas;
1) Expectations
It often begins here, there is an expectation that since we have been together for such a long time, we "should" already know each other so well. This is the common place where it all begins. And if unchecked, this could lead to having "unwritten laws" that we set around each other.
2) Assumptions
This linked next to expectations. Once the unwritten laws are set in place, we "assume" the other party would and is inclined to do or say things in a certain way "consistently". Of this becomes the benchmarks of performance that we have assumed of one another, vs. creating everything on a clean new slate.
3) Reactions
This is what happens next. Our reactions are often spontaneous hit backs without much thought or consideration. And so instead of reflecting and responding appropriately, we would feel it is our right to react, aren't the closest people supposed to know how we click (roll)?
Isn't it ironic that the 3 Key Areas that usually causes misunderstanding represents the acronym of EAR?
I believe being a Coach for 13 years now has helped me TONS, as I teach others build rapport and have better communication. And sometimes I wish I can remember to practice what I preach, during my own Couple-Communication time. LOL.
These little disagreements have shown me the ugly side of our human nature. No matter how good a person is, I realize everyone has their own limitations, boundaries and challenges.
And so using Stephen Covey's concepts on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, I wanted to share this in alignment with Couples. So here it goes.
Habit 1: Be Proactive
It means understanding the reality of any given situation by shifting our focus from the Concern about the Other, to the area that we can Influence (Positively). And in other words, we can CHOOSE our response with a Half Empty or Half Full mentality.
Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind
When a situation happens, it is easiest to just shift to the painful moment and point at the person or thing that is in fault. Doing this will only aggravate any given scenario. Instead, shift your viewpoint to your deeper values, your higher intention of each conversation, is it to build, care, love, equip or to tear down, mistreat, show hatred or disempower.
Habit 3: Put First Things First
In our busy lives, it's convenient to be at a fast-paced crises, emergency, interruption mode of living. That's how we have too been interrupted by these alarming trends into our personal space. Instead, put the first blocks down first, then the next, then the next. We don't have to live in stress mode, we can live in schedule mode. Which means, it requires some discipline on our part to set aside time to Plan, Reflect, Reorder and Refocus.
Habit 4: Think Win/Win
Relationships are NOT a business transaction. It requires patience, a lot of drive and HEART. We must always make the Other party feel VALUED and BIG, not devalued and small. Think WIN-WIN, as at the end of the day, everyone WINS!! When the parents win and the children lose, or when one partner win and the other lose, they are both NOT going to strengthen any Relationship in the future.
Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
Of all the Habits, this is the HARDEST for me. It actually the opposite. I often want to be understood before I even begin to loosely understanding what's going on with my partner. Yes, when I am right, I am often a little selfish. I admit it. It's something I must put into practice. I believe when I seek first to understand, then the other party would be MORE OPEN to listen up or understand where I am coming from. Remember, the goal at the end is Habit 4: It's a WIN-WIN. :)
Habit 6: Synergize
It's what Covey means for two parties to have a "Shared Peak Experience" that can be created as the culmination of the first five habits. This sort of synergy does not need to be RARE. It can even be little daily experiences that we create in our daily lives. Like the Synergy of Giving. When I was going through our pre-marital classes at church, one of the leaders shared about the "Giving To Each Other". He said if the both sides of every relationship were to pour in DAILY into this Jug in the middle, the Jug would be filled up and there would be an "Outpouring" of Love, Joy, Peace, etc. for the both parties including the children! Isn't that true.
Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw
Covey recommends each person need to carve out the time to do things to renew the 4 Dimensions of Human Nature:
1. Mental (reading, visualizing, planning, writing)
2. Physical (exercise, nutrition, stress management)
3. Emotional (service, empathy, synergy, intrinsic security)
4. Spiritual (value clarification & commitment, study & meditation)
Source
I guess that's why I have my own space when I head back to Asia, away from it all and just spend time doing the 4 areas all by myself. This must be inculcated into the couple life as well, as we RESPECT each other's space for GROWTH and Personal Development.
I hope these little 7 Pointers will help you and your relationships to PROSPER!
For further reading, here's the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Here's also a nice short article from the HuffPost entitled : Relationship Advice: Fight Fair!
Over to the two of you.
Stay tuned for more "Motivation Moments"...
Mel @coachmelleow
Everyone needs a little push, a little encouragement, a little inspiration ~ every single day.
That's why I created Motivation Moments to help you move forward.
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Great advice bro.
You are welcome @nextgen622
Sometimes when both are in the middle of the 'fire', everything we learned or read are all out of the window!! Hahaha
Absolutely @roselifecoach... that's why I write to remind myself.
It's a good conditioning cycle that I put myself through. LOL :)
That is actually a very good practice putting yourself through it. :D
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