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RE: Ultimate Wrestling Season 2 - Ch. 10: Friday Night Clash 16! Part - 1

in #fiction3 years ago

Overall, a very nice set of RPs.
A few of my thoughts:
I particularly liked Vendredi's section, and the very rich, succinct characterization of Adwowa. I did find it kind of dumb that he violently kidnapped Sato and then expect him to quietly listen and accept talk about apocalypse. Maybe make it clear that the Baron is frazzled and not quite thinking right? Just a thought.

I think some physical descriptions of each of the established characters, even if brief, would be useful. Particularly for new readers, like me, who don't yet have a clear picture of each character looks and moves like.

The section with Sato, Parker and Anderson was solid and I was thoroughly entertained through all of it. I just have one criticism though. Namely, that the narration in italics generally seems to be set in objective third person most of the time, but then it constantly throws in things like
"Never in the history of opinion news shows had any special guest ever done anything remotely like this. Karlsson believing himself untouchable due to his standing with their mutual boss Rupert Mudcock pressed Sato further, figuring he would not retaliate for fear of being fired from Ultimate Wrestling" and "Anderson was not a man to take a threat from lightly. If he ever wanted to see his mother again, he knew he would have to do what Anderson wanted." which are subjective judgements and private thoughts, things that belong to the close third person perspective (seen from a particular individual's view. So it's jarring when the narration switches between objective and close third person. I would advise either 1) moving these private thoughts and judgments into dialogue/body language somehow. "Sato went pale. Sato: I... I.. yes, Mr Anderson. I understand you mean business. I'll do whatever it takes to save my mother." Allen smiled, his teeth like a scythe ready to cut down. Allen: Damn right you will." or 2) framing most or all of the narration explicitly from a character's subjective point of view. "Sato knew Anderson was not a man to take a threat from lightly. He understood that if he ever wanted to see his mother again, he knew he would have to do what Anderson said."

This happens in other segments and parts of the show, but I found it particularly jarring in Sato's section.

I found Lulu Bigg's section quite dull. The nameless, giggling prostitutes were eyeroll-worthy in particular and I don't think they contributed anything, just showed up and left the scene as more of a formality of "Oh hey, he's a pimp by the way", than as anything that helped set the scene. I'm not offended, because it's appropriate to the gangster mindset/genre, but the girls don't add anything. It would be better if they were either cut out, or were slightly more involved in the background and had names, even if it's a nickname like "bunny" or "candy" or something. As for after they leave the scene, the meat of the RP is mostly talking, and a surprisingly dry, simple business conversation at that, so I didn't feel entertained. Also, the italics narration got really, really wordy here, so split up those big paragraphs!

I felt the Thomas Mills section was pretty good, although it was a bit jarring to have the commentators constantly interrupt him. I felt like he was on a roll, and that roll came to a halt to have the bickering. Maybe limit the commentators to quick one-sentence soundbites during the speech, with a more substantial debate between the commentators after the speech.