Episode 3
Scene 1
Skip is starting to calm down after the spider bite. Ann stands by, uncertain how to proceed.
Ann: Is there anything I can do for you?
Skip: Anything to take my mind off the pain would be great.
Ann: Any ideas?
Skip: Sex would be nice.
Ann (sighs): Well, ok, I guess that beats walking through the forest by myself.
Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, Bob and Shirley have just finished their round of coitus. They are drinking more water, eating berries, and getting ready to go back to the “government campsite”.
Shirley: Should we bring any food and water back for the others?
Bob: Nah, we’ll just go tell them the good news that food and water is less than an hour’s walk away.
Shirley: Sounds good to me!
Back at the “government campsite”, “President” Merv, “Tax Collector” Penny, and “Indoctrination Specialist” Cindy are sleeping on the beach. “Head of National Security” Cal wakes them up by kicking sand on them. They wake up coughing and grimacing.
Merv: Dammit, Cal! Show your president some respect!
Cal: Sorry, sir. (salutes) I have important news regarding our operations.
Penny: You got sand all in my hair, ya big buffoon!
Merv (annoyed): What is it, Cal?
Cal: I’ve finished making our official badges. With your approval, of course, mister president.
Cal holds up various seashells that he’s etched symbols and fancy titles into.
Cindy: That’s actually not bad, Cal. I’m shocked.
Cal hands everyone a seashell “badge”.
Merv looks at his skeptically.
Merv: Why does mine have a cock on it?
Penny: You mean cock like a…..
Cal (offended): That’s a pine tree!
Merv: That does NOT look like a pine tree.
Cal: It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Cindy: This government was formed in crisis, so I guess that’s understandable.
Merv (scratching paunch): Anyway, I’m hungry. Isn’t that kid back with the coconuts yet?
Scene 2
Paul is walking through the forest, and stumbles upon Bob and Shirley.
Shirley: Paul, you’re alive!
Paul: Hey, Bob. Hey, Shirley.
Bob: We have great news! We found food and water nearby!
Paul: That’s great! Do you know where my dad is?
Shirley: He went out searching for ya, along with Ann.
Paul: Oh, well, I guess I’d better go look for him now.
Shirley: Don’t be silly, you poor thing! Come with us back to the campsite! You shouldn’t be alone in the woods like this.
Paul (cringing): Thanks, guys.
They make their way back to camp and are greeted by the others.
Bob: Great news! We found water!
Shirley: And berries!
Penny: You didn’t bring us any?
Cindy: Yeah, your president is starving!
Bob: We didn’t have anything to carry it in.
Merv: You could’ve cracked open a coconut or something and used it as a bowl.
Shirley: Sorry, mister president.
Bob: It’s less than an hour away. We should move our camp over there.
Merv: An hour? In this heat? What do ya think, Cal?
Cal: Whatever you think, sir.
Merv: Cindy?
Cindy: Relocating the entire republic is an ambitious project, sir. Shirley, is there more shade there, too?
Shirley: Yep, lots of trees.
Cindy: If we can summon the national will to do it, mister president, I’m all for it.
Merv: Ok, I hereby declare a government relocation program, starting immediately.
Scene 3
Skip and Ann have just found the fresh water and berry area. They are happily refreshing themselves when the others arrive.
Paul: Dad! You’re not dead!
Skip: Not yet, son.
Merv, Penny, Cindy, and Cal scurry to the water and berries and start gorging themselves.
Paul: Wow, dad, what’s that on your arm?
Skip: I got bit by a giant spider.
Paul: Did you get bit on your neck, too?
Skip: No. Why?
Paul: It looks like something happened. You have a giant mark on the side of your….
Skip (moment of clarity): Oh! Oh, no, just got….
Ann (embarrassed): Scratched by a branch.
Paul: A branch?
Skip: Very low hanging branch.
Cindy (mouth full of berries, accusatory tone): Looks like a hickey to me.
Skip (nervous): Not a hickey.
Merv: That is definitely a hickey.
Paul (gagging): Ew, gross!
Skip: Oh, grow up, son. It’s boring on this deserted island.
Penny: What if you’re pregnant? We have enough mouths to feed around here!
Cindy: Yeah, we haven’t even had time to form a government committee on population control yet.
Ann: I do feel a little pregnant.
Skip sighs and stares at the ground.
Merv: Oh, come on now, Cindy. We could use a larger workforce.
Paul (pointing to Cal in the distance): Hey, what is he doing?
Skip tuns around and is mortified.
Skip: He’s peeing in the creek! He’ll ruin the water supply!
Bob: Hey, stop that!
Merv: You can’t stop him. (shrugs) He’s the head of national security.
Shirley: You’re the president. You can stop him!
Merv (yelling towards Cal): Hey Cal, cut it out!
Cal (yelling over shoulder): Almost done!
Merv: Too late now, anyway.
Bob: How can he piss so long?
Skip: Watch your language in front of my boy, please.
Paul: I know the word “piss”, dad.
Bob: Must store water like a camel.
Merv: Yeah, I haven’t pissed in almost two days.
Cal walks over and joins the group. He has a smug, satisfied look on his face.
Bob: Well, now that we have a food and water supply, we should start to build some shelter.
Merv: I’ve got a great idea. We should start building shelters.
Penny: That’s a grand idea, mister president.
Bob: But it was my idea….
Cindy: No backtalk to your superiors!
Cal grumbles and flexes.
Shirley: I dunno, I slept pretty good in the sand last night.
Cindy: Shirley, you don’t want to live that far from the water supply, do you?
Paul: Why can’t we just all live in different spots that we choose individually?
Cindy (smug grin): Such a sweet, naive boy. Because as a collective, we’re stronger.
Skip: We could take a vote on where to live.
Penny: We’re not a democracy.
Ann: We’re not?
Penny: Nope. We’re an autocratic republic.
Merv: We are?
Penny: Yes, mister president. We are.
Paul takes advantage of all the government nonsense distraction and sneaks away.
Paul (thinking to himself): I can’t take this anymore. I’m gonna go see Sparky and Ignatius. Maybe they’ll have more fish for dinner.
Scene 4
Paul makes his approach to the camp of Sparky and Ignatius. They’ve already built bamboo huts and are cooking crab by a fire on the beach. They see Paul coming.
Sparky: Hey kid!
Paul: Hi guys!
Ignatius: I assume you’re here because things are going so well with those idiots calling themselves “government”.
Paul: That obvious, huh?
Sparky: Hungry?
Paul: Yeah, all I had today was some berries.
Ignatius: Have some crab.
Paul: Thanks. You guys built huts already?
Sparky: Yeah, didn’t take long.
Paul: Those guys haven’t done ANYTHING yet, except bicker and yell at each other.
Ignatius: That’s not all, Paul.
Paul: It’s not?
Ignatius: Nope. They boss you around, too, right?
Paul: True.
Sparky: And they take your stuff.
Paul: I don’t really have any stuff. Not here on this deserted island, anyway.
Sparky: They didn’t take any of your coconut?
Paul: Ok, they did take some of my coconut.
Ignatius: Just like government all over the world. At least here on this deserted island, it’s a much smaller gang we’re dealing with.
Sparky: Paul, don’t be afraid to tell them “NO”.
Paul: Sounds good to me! Hey, I’d better go soon before they find out I’m missing.
Sparky: Shouldn’t they notice that almost immediately?
Paul: Like you said, they’re not the brightest bulbs on the tree.
Ignatius: Your dad would surely notice.
Paul: He’s too preoccupied trying to bang that Ann chick again.
Sparky: I see…..
Paul: Anyway, next time I stop by, maybe you guys could teach me how to fish or build a hut or something?
Sparky: Anytime, Paul. It’s not like we’re going anywhere.
Paul: Ok, thanks guys! (waves goodbye as he starts walking away) I’m gonna go run through the woods by myself again!
Ignatius: Ok, have fun, kid!
Meanwhile, back at the freshly relocated “government camp”…
Cal: Mister president, what do you think happened to those two renegades that refused to vote?
Merv: Oh yeah, I forgot about those guys. They probably starved by now. Anyway, who cares? (cackles)
Cal: That sounds reasonable.
Merv: Cal, that’s all for me today. Time to pass out on some branches or somethin.
Thunder crackles and a downpour starts. Merv and Cal look skyward and grimace.
Merv: Dang, Cal, I didn’t think about what to do if it rains.
Cal: Neither did I, mister president.
End Episode 3
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