With her to-do list in hand, Kamryn rushed out the front door passed the breakfast that she’d woken up early to prepare. She pranced down the stairs light and determined to face the challenges of the day. Ever since her beloved husband James died three months earlier, her life had become an endless cycle of arrangements to make, tasks to complete, errands to run, and people to thank. On this particular Monday, she decided to “Go through James’ things.” which was the 2nd to last item on her ‘original list’. See, the ‘original list’ was the list she made just seven hours and sixteen minutes after her world was shattered with the news of her husband’s passing. Her mom, her sisters and friends all wanted her to grieve in a way that they felt was appropriate, a way that seemed normal. “I mean is it not enough that I’ll cry myself to sleep indefinitely or that when I smell his cologne, I feel a gaping hole in my chest?” she angrily thought to herself. But Kamryn, like her father, found clarity in planning. The only way that she could begin to imagine a hopeful future, was to write down, step by step, what it would take to get there. There was something about crossing out completed items on her lists. It wasn’t enough to simply mark it “done” with a check. She wanted to strike it through with a bold line. For Kamryn, a warm and fuzzy feeling accompanied those bold lines. The lists she’d made prior to his death were filled with promise and laced with the goals and dreams they’d had since their teen years. She discarded them without hesitation and in the same motion, grabbed a yellow sticky so that she could make her new list, one to be a guide for her new life. From the funeral arrangements to cancelling the secret hotel reservations she’d made for the following week (which was to be his 36th birthday); task by task, she completed it. It almost became comical though how she’d made dozens of lists since then, refusing to check off the last two items on the original list. As she popped in her Amy Winehouse, she whispered to herself that she’d go through his stuff tomorrow. Bobbing her head and bouncing her shoulders, she headed to work.
Everyone was astonished by Kamryn’s resilience. Her colleagues wondered how she could remain so focused after such a devastating loss. Kam, as she was known around the office, was so “in love” that some of her lady co-workers would send the flirty delivery guys her way just to watch them get rejected. Kam was taken and she wanted everyone to know it. Her girlfriends were tickled by the way Kam actually got offended if someone didn’t know that she was the wife of Mr. James M. Von. His frequent pop-up visits and ‘just because’ bouquets kept those same girlfriends green with envy and Kamryn loved it. Now all she gets from them are sympathetic looks and occasional pity filled invitations to lunch which, she faithfully declines. Kamryn withdrew from her family as well as her colleagues not because she felt as if she didn’t need them but because she wanted to spare them the awkwardness of being able to sympathize but in no way being able to empathize. Life without the love of her life was awkward enough. They’d all heard the story of how James and Kam were enjoying a Friday night in after a busy week. Well, apparently some kid ran a red light and James never returned home from what was supposed to be a quick run to the store for ice-cream. What they didn’t know was that she sent him to the store for that ice-cream and while he was gone, she’d ran him a bath and was waiting for him in a navy blue, lace nighty and his favorite stilettos. She’d been waiting three hours before she got the call. She burned the shoes and the nighty in the fire place the following day. According to Kam’s mother, that wasn’t appropriate grieving either.
Kamryn had made it a sport to smile politely (as to not draw any unwanted attention) while moving swiftly to her office. She made it to her desk without having to indulge in any idle chatter with her now distant girlfriends. While getting her computer booted up, she pans over slowly to a candid picture she’d snapped and framed of James almost a year ago. His eyes were so full of life. When she looked at that picture, it felt like he could walk through the door at any moment. Just like he had a thousand times before, she wished he would do it one more time… just once. The expression on his face was so innocent. It was in no way telling of the fate that was in store for him. Somehow, when she stared into his eyes, she could feel it in her heart of hearts that she was still needed and that she was still loved. She didn’t know what it was but she trusted it. This day she even said it aloud to herself. “I am needed. I am loved.” Of course, she never doubted that her family and friends loved her. There was just such a strong conviction to survive when she reflected on that particular photo of him. This was something unique that was just between Kamryn and James. She couldn’t put her finger on it but she knew that this force helped her through so many days when she wanted to die just to get some relief. “I am needed. I am loved.”, she repeated as she directed her attention to her inbox which was more than full. She dove right in.
By 12:30 or so, she remembered the personal business that she’d planned to take care of on her lunch break. Before jetting off, she glanced again at her best friend who was seemingly held captive by a four-dollar and ninety-eight cents plastic picture frame. For some reason, at that moment, that was too much to bare. She felt a fearful emptiness in the pit of her stomach. It was the same one she feels as she slips under the cool sheets at night with her soul aching to feel the warmth of his body next to hers. Her face began to tingle and tears began to well up. She refused to give in to the emotional eruption, dreading the inevitable hugs and back-patting. She did her best not give any inclination to her colleagues that she was having a rough day. She took a few deep breaths and gathered her composure enough to make it to the elevator. Alone on the elevator, she reflexively but ever-so-therapeutically begins reviewing today’s ‘During Lunch’ list but she just keeps hearing “You are needed. You are loved.”, in her head. The more she tried to concentrate on her list, the louder she heard the voice. She just wanted to focus on the tasks at hand. She didn’t want to be reminded of the elusive task of healing that she had yet to address. There seemed to be a battle going on within her as the walls of the elevator closed in on her. She felt consumed and wanted out! Realizing she hadn’t yet designated a floor, she quickly reached to push the ‘L’ button to avoid being joined by her any of her co-workers in this dungeon-like box. Her plan was to escape into the lobby and it make to the fresh air awaiting her outside the glass doors. Before the button lit up her desired destination, strength left her arm and simultaneously seemed to drain from everywhere else. As darkness and confusion clouded her consciousness, her arm fumbled down the steel wall as she collapsed.
“How’s my Kammy?” her dad asked quietly grazing his index finger along her chin. “Daddy?”, she replied. Baffled by her surroundings, she replayed in her mind the last things she remembered before waking up in the hospital. Hoping to fill in the blanks, he explained, “A couple ladies from your office found you passed out in the elevator. You gave them quite a scare!” “Great.” she murmured sarcastically. “Roz waited with you until your mom & I were able to get here. How are you feeling?” “I guess I feel ok. I’m just so tired. Where’s mama?” He let her know that her mother was down the hall and proceeded to fill her in on the doctor’s findings. Kamryn was dehydrated and malnourished which explained why she had an IV. Kamryn always hated the thought of IVs! It could also very well explain some of the sympathetic looks since she was the only one who didn’t notice the eleven pounds she’d lost over the last month and a half. She explained to her dad that she cooked all the time but somehow barely got around to eating. “I just have so much to do… sometimes I lose my appetite.” “Baby I know you’re hurting but you’ve got to take care of yourself. I mean it.” Kamryn didn’t respond aloud but could hear that voice saying, “You are needed. You are loved.” This time she embraced it like she never had before. This time, it told her that it was not enough to just survive; to thrive was now the goal. Kamryn smiled at her dad with a grateful look in her eyes. He continued, “Well, they had to run some tests since you hit your head but the doctor should be back in a few minutes with the results. Hopefully he’ll tell us you can go home tonight.” Just then, her mom scurried in, almost threw the coffees at her husband and practically pounced on Kammy kissing every square inch of her face. “My baby, oh my sweet baby!” she cried. “Don’t you ever do this to me again!” Kamryn chuckled at her mom’s predictable antics.
Not two minutes later, in walks Kammy’s physician. Kamryn and her parents anxiously awaited his update especially since his face was expressionless. Looking down at her chart, he flipped a couple pages. “Mhm…… mhm….. ah….. mhm!”. Finally, he raised his head back up with a smile. “Great news…” He said, “You and the baby are going to be just fine.” Kamryn’s mouth sat open. For a few seconds, she was so shocked that she forgot to breathe. Kamryn and her parents were speechless. The doctor continued to explain the changes that needed to made to Kamryn’s diet as well as strategies to decrease her stress levels. “Wa----wa----wa----wait a MINUTE!..... AND THE BABY?!” Kammy’s mom enthusiastically inquired. With her jaw still dropped, Kamryn was ecstatic that somebody else had actually heard what she thought she had to have only imagined. He looked directly into her eyes. “You mean you didn’t know? Yes, Mrs. Von, you are 14 weeks pregnant.” he confirmed. “That’s why you’ll need to follow my instructions carefully so that we can keep you and baby Von safe and healthy, okay?” She’d have to stay for the night for observation but could head home first thing in the morning. As the doctor turned to make haste to his next patient, Kamryn rested her hand on her tummy and could feel this indescribable joy come over her. She thought of how James would have felt, how he would have reacted, what he would have said. Would he have said anything at all or would his wisdom had told him to remain silent and let an embrace communicate the initial sentiments of his heart. She imagined him supportively placing his hand on hers. With tears streaming down her face, she turns to her mom and dad just as they turned to embrace each other. It was as though a prayer had been answered through this completely unexpected turn of events. Their daughter had a new source of hope and her future looked bright again.
That night Kamryn had the best sleep she’d had in months. As she and her mom pulled into her driveway, Kammy asked if her mom would help her take care of something. Eager to help her baby girl in any way she could, she quickly blurted, “Sure! Anything!” as she put the car in park. With every motion, Kamryn remained aware of the little life growing inside her. As she placed her feet on the ground and rose out of her mom’s red scoot-about, everything that her senses took in seemed new and significant. The cadence created by the neighbor’s basketball against the pavement was like a catalyst. She couldn’t wait to dance again. A sudden satiny breeze not only carried the amorous fragrances of her budding rose bush but also seemed to caress the bare skin of her neck. Now more than ever, she appreciated the way that the vibrant green of her lawn was so stylishly interrupted by her bluish-grey cobble stone walkway. Kamryn crossed the threshold behind her mom. On a mission to continue her progress, she whisked passed her mom headed for her late husband’s walk-in. Mom followed suit. Without saying a word, she sifted through his things smiling now and again as she reminisced. Mom just followed her lead, folding and bagging the shirts, jeans and ties; matching shoes and stacking his video games. They were finished in all of two hours but by this time baby and Kammy were hungry. “Hungry baby girl?” Grammy’s intuition was right on schedule. Kamryn let out a sigh of accomplishment and answered, “You know I am.” She wanted to treat her mom this time so she quickly grabbed her wallet out of her purse to see if it would be an Italian Kitchen night or a Hamburger Hut night. Before her fingers met the cash, they met a dingy, yellow post-it creased and neatly tucked in the compartment. She knew exactly what it was and realizing that she had completed the 2nd to last item on her list, she scrambled to find a pen. When her hand gripped a marker in the depths of her Prada bag, she whipped it out and proudly crossed out “Go through James’ things.”. Beaming with triumph, she read the final item on the list knowing that she’d already risen to the occasion. The last item on the original list simply read, “Live.”
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