“Are you just getting in?” Lena rubbed sleep and vodka from her eyes.
“Yeah." Jackie stood in front of her bunk and watched dust particles dance in the moonlight streaming through their cabin window. It was bright tonight, the moon. And full. She knew the old saying about strange things happening on a night like this, but she heard a podcast not long ago saying that wasn’t true. The data doesn’t back it up. She wanted to believe it.
"What time is it?” Lena propped herself up on her elbows. “Where were you?"
"I was out."
"With a boy?"
"Kind of."
“Nice! Did you have fun?"
“Kind of."
“Come on, spill!" Lena swung her legs off the bed and tickled the carpet with her toes.
“I just want to lie down."
“What’s going on with your clothes? Did you hook up?"
Jackie sank into her small stateroom bed. She pulled the covers up over her head.
“C’mon, I want details. The last time I saw you, you were talking to the Senator. What did you do after I left?"
“I kept talking to him." Her voice was muffled under the blankets.
“All night?"
“All night."
“He's the boy? Oh my God, that’s incredible!” Lena hopped up and stood in front of the window, casting a moodshadow over Jackie’s bed.
“Yeah." Jackie pulled the covers down and rolled over on her side.
“Why aren’t you excited about this?"
“I don’t know."
“Are you worried that he’s married? We’re on a cruise in the middle of the ocean. His wife isn’t here. And he’s incredible." Lena waltzed with an imaginary Senator in the moonlight.
“I know."
“I wish I could have been there. I mean, not for that part, just to hear what you two talked about. I'm so jealous."
“Yeah."
“Come on, talk to me. I’m not going to tell anyone."
“I just need some rest." Jackie pulled the blankets in tight.
“I bet you do. Can you just tell me one thing, please? Was it amazing? I bet it was amazing."
“No."
“No? How could it not be amazing?"
“Can you leave me alone?"
“Seriously? You tell me you spent the night with the Senator and it wasn’t amazing and now you want me to leave you alone?"
“I don’t want to talk about it."
Lena sat back down on her bed and tried to make eye contact with Jackie. Sometihng was wrong. “What’s going on?"
“I don’t want to talk about it."
“Did something happen?"
Jackie locked eyes with Lena for the first time since she came in the room.
“What happened?"
“Nothing."
“Jackie."
“Nothing happened."
“Did he reject you? Did you do something embarrassing?"
“No.
“Did he kiss you?"
“Yeah."
“Did you have sex."
“Yeah. Well…kind of." Jackie pulled the covers up over her head again.
“How do you…oh, just oral? That’s hot." Lena’s concerns subsided. She would have blown the Senator in a heartbeat but she knew Jackie was a little squeamish about oral.
“No."
“No? Then what did you do?"
“Nothing."
“Sweetie, how long have we been friends? Nothing you say will leave this room."
“Promise?"
“Promise."
“He raped me."
Lena's eyes went wide. She dropped to her knees and walked through the moonlight over to Jackie’s bed. She grabbed the covers and pulled them off of her. “He did what?”
“He asked me up to his room and like an idiot I went with him. I mean, what am I supposed to do, say no? I’ve worshiped him since I was in high school. We get into his room and as soon as he closes the door he throws me onto the bed and starts ripping my pants off. I try to stop him but he grabs my hands and holds them above my head. I try wriggling out from underneath him but he pins me down. When I try to scream he puts a hand over my mouth and tells me to shut the fuck up or I’m going overboard. And he's not angry either. Not yelling. He’s in control. He pulls down my jeans and flips me over. Then he raped me. Then he raped me."
"What did you do? Did you report it?"
"When he finished, he collapsed on the bed next to me. After a while he patted me on the ass and said 'Run along now.' Just like I'd brought him tea or something and he wanted to be alone to read the paper. I put my clothes on and left."
"You gotta tell someone."
"Tell who? We're in the middle of the ocean."
"The Captain? One of the crew? They have to do a rape kit, take pictures. Did he use protection?
"Seriously?"
"Are you on birth control? Maybe they have a morning after pill."
"Stop. Just stop." Jackie threw the rest of the blankets off and jumped out of the bed.
"Honey this is serious. If you don't tell them I will."
"You promised you wouldn’t say anything." She paced in front of the window, biting her nails.
"That was before I found out you were assaulted."
"Who is going to believe me? I'm an intern. And he's..."
"Powerful."
"Right. What kind of future do I have if I accuse him of rape?"
"You're not accusing him of anything. He raped you. That’s a fact. He can't just get away with it." Lena stood up and tried to comfort Jackie, but she turned away and kept pacing.
"Everyone will think I'm trying to get attention, trying to extort him."
"That's why you need to report it. Right now. The longer you wait the worse it gets.”
"He'll just say it was consensual anyway. And his wife will hate me.“
"Who cares?"
"Everyone will hate me."
"You are the victim. Isn't this why we're here, on this boat, working for the cause? To help people like you. We just didn't know it was going to be you."
“I can’t do it.”
“Seriously, what if you’re pregnant? What are you going to do?"
Jackie fell back into her bed and covered herself in blankets again. “I don’t know."
“What would you tell your parents?"
“I don’t know.”
“And Bill? I mean you guys aren’t really dating, but still.”
“I know."
“Come on. Come out from underneath there and talk to me please."
Exasperated, Jackie sat up on the bed.
Lena sat on her own bed again and leaned toward her. “What are you going to do?"
“I don’t know! You’re not letting me think."
“There’s nothing to think about."
“There’s nothing to think about. You're not the one that just got raped."
“What about Mrs. Chilton?"
“What about her?"
“She’s a Trustee. She’ll be able to do something. Give you advice. Tell you who to talk to."
“I don't know.”
“She was raped, when she was younger. I’ve heard her talk about it."
“She was?"
“She has to help you. She’ll know what to do."
“So I’m just supposed to knock on her door and tell her my story?"
“Yes."
“Are you nuts? She doesn’t know who I am. And I have no idea what room she is in."
“I do."
Lena stood a couple steps down the hall from Jackie as she knocked on the door to a Panorama Deck suite.
No one answered.
After a few seconds had passed, Lena gestured for her to knock again.
The door opened before she could.
“Yes?"
“Mrs. Chilton, my name is Jackie. Can I talk with you privately for a moment?"
“My dear, do you have any idea what time it is?"
“Yes ma’am and I’m sorry if I woke you up, but what I have to tell you—”
“Why don’t you try to catch me in a few hours, after—”
“I’ve been raped."
Groggy until now, Mrs. Chilton woke up.
“Do come in dear."
Jackie shot a look toward Lena and walked into the room.
“Please have a seat. I would offer you some coffee…”
“I’m ok, ma’am." Jackie surveyed the room. Mrs. Chilton had drawn her shades but the gentle rocking of the ship parted them from time to time, sending bright shafts moonlight into the room.
Mrs. Chilton snapped on an overhead light and sat down on a couch in the main lounge area. Jackie thought this room alone had to be five times the size of her puny bedroom. The one percent lived well, even on a cruise liner.
“Call me Margaret. And what is your name again?" She pointed to a chair across from her and Jackie quickly took it.
“Jackie. I’ve been an intern for about a month."
“Ok, Jackie. Can you tell me what happened?"
“I was at the Senator’s talk last night. I was on duty. I had the microphone and during the question and answer period I handed it off to people who had a question. I caught the Senator’s eye a couple times and after the talk he pulled me off to the side and we started talking."
“He’s a great man."
“Yes, he is. He started off saying he noticed me during the speech and I was thinking, oh my God, how could he notice someone like me, I mean who the hell am I?"
“Can you get to the point dear?"
“Yes, I’m sorry. So we drink and talk in the corner of the room for like an hour and then he asks me to come up to his room with him. He says he wants to show me something he's working on."
“You’re saying the Senator raped you?"
“I hadn’t gotten there yet, but…well, yeah.”
“So you’re the one." Margaret leaned back on the couch and crossed her legs, a look of admiration on her face.
“As soon as we got to his room he threw me on the bed and…wait, I’m the one?"
“He amazes me.” Margaret closed her eyes and grinned. “Do you know I was actually in the Senate balcony the day he gave his famous speech on women’s rights?"
“No...I didn’t know that."
“Of course there’s no one actually on the Senate floor when they make their speeches, the C-SPAN cameras make it seem like the room is full but really there’s like a dozen people there. Pages mostly. And me. I was in the balcony. In awe. It was like he was speaking just to me. And when you think about it, he really was."
“I studied that speech in school." Jackie wondered how all of this was relevant.
“Without his voice, I can’t imagine where the cause of women would be today."
“Do you not want to hear about what happened tonight?”
“It’s alright dear, I can guess the rest. I was like you once."
“What do you mean?"
“Thirty five years ago the Senator asked me up to his room one night, and I gladly accepted."
Jackie took a moment to process this sentence.
“Are you saying he raped you too?"
“I don’t call it rape dear. The Senator isn’t capable of rape."
“I’m not so sure."
“Are you attracted to him?"
“I guess."
“Do you agree with the things he says about women and equality and violence?"
“Of course."
“Do you agree with those abominable right-wing misogynists?"
“Absolutely not."
“Alright then, it sounds like you have your answer."
“Answer to what? I was raped.”
The waves parted the shades for an instant, letting the moonlight carve deep, dark lines into Margaret’s face. “The Senator is an advocate for women. He has more empathy and love for our cause than any man I have ever met. Were it not for him we might very well be…well I shudder to think where we might be. Here is a thought experiment for you, my dear. If he had asked you to go to bed with him last night would have you done so?"
“I don't know. Probably."
“As would I, thirty five years ago. So we’re not quibbling about an intention we’re quibbling about an act, one that you would have done willingly."
“But he didn’t ask."
“Didn’t he? My dear he asked you to his room and you accepted, what did you think that meant?"
“It was loud, there were lots of people around. I believed him when he said he wanted to go somewhere quiet and talk about what I was working on."
“You? Asking to see the work of a lowly intern? I think you knew exactly what he wanted."
“He could be my grandfather, I don’t think of him in that way."
“Yet you just told me that, had he asked, you’d have gone to bed with him. Don’t try to spin things after the fact. He asked. You said yes."
“I said yes to going to his room. Not to the rest." Jackie shifted in her seat. Had she actually said yes? What had really happened?
“You don’t need to worry about that."
“Why?”
“Because nothing good can come of it."
“Nothing good can come from reporting a rapist?"
Margaret let out a high-pitched laugh.
“Oh sweetheart, the naïveté of youth never ceases to amaze. Let us assume, for a moment, that everything you’ve told me about what happened last night is correct."
“Let us assume?"
“What happens then?"
“A rapist is brought to justice. He’s unable to assault anyone else in the future."
“And what makes you think he’ll be brought to justice?"
“His DNA is inside of me right now. I have bruises on my body from him."
“And it will be the word of an intern nobody cared a whit about until this morning against the word of one of the most respected advocates for women’s rights the world has ever seen." Margaret stood, floated to the window and threw open the drapes. Moonlight flooded the room, making shadows waltz on the floor. “It is a beautiful night, isn’t it.”
“I didn’t come here lightly, Mrs. Chilton. I thought you’d understand, having been raped yourself in the past."
“It’s Margaret, dear. Did you ever think it curious that I never revealed the identity of my rapist?"
“Yes. Why didn’t you?”
“For the same reason you won’t my dear. It does nothing to further our cause. But it will do a great deal to further yours."
“What?"
"You’re a very lucky woman."
“I am?”
"You are a progressive woman who has been exposed to the savage misogyny of men. You understand the need for activist feminism to counteract this base instinct and you understand that a victim’s voice is incredibly persuasive. You’re well versed in the public policy arena, or you will be, and the Senator, with his years of honorable service and connections throughout the DC political apparatus, will help you navigate that swamp.”
“I’m…I think..."
“Sweetheart, you don’t need to think and you don’t need to worry. The Senator isn’t a predator like so many of the men out there are. Once every few years he sees a woman of exceptional beauty and exceptional potential. Three decades ago that was me, but my beauty and my potential are all behind me now. You, on the other hand…"
“There are others?"
“Of course. Some are on this very ship. What you do from here on out is up to you. The Senator has not done anything to harm you. To the contrary, he’s empowered you."
“I don’t understand how what he did to me is empowering."
“You’re only thinking about yourself. What happens when a rapist is reported to the police and sent to jail? Nothing. We’ve made rape a horrific crime and we send offenders away for a long time but has that stopped rape from occurring? Not at all."
“Hasn't rape been decreasing?"
“Only to be replaced by a culture of rape. In Washington we don't worry about single rapes. We have to focus on the savage American patriarchal culture that is crippling our country's women. The Senator, more than almost any single person on the planet, has dedicated his whole life to changing that culture."
“So I’m supposed to forgive him for raping me?"
“Not at all. Let me tell you, from my own experience, it won’t end here. You’ve been chosen. The Senator will be watching your career very closely and he will help you along the way. Your ultimate goal is to help women in society, right?"
“Sure."
“You couldn’t be in a better position to do that. Do you want work on the Hill as a staffer? He can get it for you. You want to get into Georgetown to pursue a graduate degree? He'll make it happen. Want a position with a think tank? Ask him to pick up the phone. My dear, you’ve just hit the jackpot."
Jackie heard the door slam shut behind her and she wandered for a bit, not knowing or caring where she was headed.
Unwilling to direct the movement of her legs, she found herself on the Promenade deck, gliding past the stage where the Senator had noticed her just a few short hours ago, past the spot where they had spent a blissful hour talking. Her journey ending at the stern of the ship, where she discovered dawn breaking all around her. The moonlight had vanished.
Leaning over the railing she could make out the ocean churning from the tremendous force of the screws just beneath the surface.
It takes a little bit of force and chaos and uncertainty, she thought, to move people forward. To progress. How many tiny little sea creatures die to make the ship move forward. A lot, probably. Millions. You just never hear about them.
She leaned out over the railing, Margaret’s words spinning in her head.
"You're the one…You hit the jackpot."
What would happen if I let go? Would anybody care? Would the Senator?
Then she felt herself falling.
Is the water cold? What will it feel like? How long does it take to drown? I’ve heard it’s painless. I hope that’s true.
Behind her, a voice cried out in alarm. "Ma'am! Don't lean out so far on the railing!"
A young cabin steward rushed to her side and eased her back to the deck.
"I'm sorry, I just didn't want you to fall overboard. Are you ok?"
Jackie looked into his eyes. Soft, brown, eager.
"Do you need any help?"
Jackie looked back down at the churning water.
“Ma’am?”
“Yes, I’d like to report a crime.”