That's a hilarious story but it's a little disconcerting that someone can be so sensitive. But yeah, just saying someone broke a chair - it doesn't have to just be because of their weight, maybe the chair itself wasn't well built, and merely stating what happened is absolutely no crime.
Meeting heavy days are no fun, coffee can help, maybe a bit too much. Sounds like you were super hyper anyway, even first one to the scene of the crash!
People trying to get the better of me, hard to come up with stories right off the top of my head... I'm pretty bad at improvising, let alone finding ways to smoothly turn the tables. The main thing I can do, while say creating an app for a team and the team complains that weird data is showing up - we just have to make sure we log every action from every person so then we can say that "the app is totally fine; does this person remember doing this action at this time?" Although I guess in general the people I work with are pretty respectful so I don't have to worry about this so much, but maybe that means I also don't get practice in making these sorts of off-the-cuff-of-the moment rebuttals or the like.