I had made a mistake. I booked an Airbnb a day after I was supposed to arrive in Athens, Greece. That meant I had nowhere to stay on my first night in the city.
People make mistakes. At least that's what my taxi driver from the airport said.
It was ok I thought, I'll just stay in a hotel.
I logged into agoda.com and set the search settings to show prices low to high. I'm a man, I can sleep in a cave.
I randomly pick a hotel from the front page of the search results and briefly scan the pictures. Good enough I thought. Booked.
The email I received said I could check in anytime after 12.30pm which was perfect.
I arrived at the hotel Artemision at 1.13pm, walk in, and make eye contact with the guy at reception. I instantly don't like him. Sometimes you just get a weird feeling about people. He says nothing so I say "good morning" keeping my face void of expression.
"How can I help you?"
"I have a booking."
"You have booking?"
"Yes, I have a booking."
"What's your name?"
"Chris."
"Ah Chris! Yes ... your room will be ready in an hour. You can leave your bag here."
"You'll look after it?"
"Yes don't worry it's safe here."
I leave my bag in the lobby along with my laptop, passport, and a bunch of cash.
I come back at exactly 2.15pm. There's an old greek guy in the lobby talking to the guy at reception and an overweight homosexual Filipino guy with too much jewelry and a bright yellow Hawaiian shirt that's three sizes too small for him sitting on a couch.
My bag is still there seemingly untouched. I sit down next to the Filipino.
At 2.32pm the old Greek guy leaves and I stand up and go to the counter.
"Ah, you came before?"
"Yes."
"We are cleaning your room now it will be ready soon."
I sit back down.
A lady in her 60's with too much cleavage and a young man in his 20's walk in and go up to the counter. They seemed to be mother and son. At least that's what I thought until she started flirting with him and he blushed.
I felt I slight queze in my stomach but brushed it away. Age shouldn't be a barrier to love. I was surprised when they both left the hotel 15 mins later separately.
Then a gorgeous young woman in tight hot pink pants walks in. I'm instantly transfixed. She notices me checking her out but I don't care. She starts checking me out and I keep not caring. She keeps checking me out and I start to worry. I'm not that good looking.
Then an old man walks in, old enough to be her grandfather. He puts his arm around her waist and pushes her tight young body into his, dropping some cash on the desk and taking a key. They both whisk away into the hotel. Again, exiting 15 mins later separately. She gives me a flirtatious look on the way out. I don't return the favor.
I know something's amiss, but it hasn't quite dawned on me yet. I look next to me, at the Filipino guy, to see if he's noticing the same things. His eyes are locked onto his phone. Instagram.
Then a homeless man walks in carrying plastic bags full of things. He screams something ineligible, presses the lift button, enters the lift, and makes his way into the hotel without challenge. Where and to what end? I don't know.
I frantically open my bag up to check if my passport and valuables are still there. They are. I feel relief.
Then another woman walks in and she's wearing what I could only describe as a bathing suit and high heels. She just stands in the middle of the lobby with a blank expression on her face.
I immediately turn to the Filipino guy again. Surely he can see what's happing now. I'm not going crazy am I Mr. Fillipino man? He's still scrolling Instagram aimlessly.
And I want to scream. I want to scream at the top of my lungs: MABUHAY! CAN'T YOU SEE?? CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?? CAN'T YOU SEE THE PROSTITUTE STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF US???? THIS IS A SEX HOTEL!! WE ARE STAYING IN A SEX HOTEL!!!
Then a man wearing a tracksuit and a bumbag walks in. He gives the reception some money and takes a key. Both he and the bathing suit prostitute go into the lift. They both exit 15 mins later separately.
I start to wonder if the Filipino guy was in on it all along. Maybe he's the brains behind the operation or the muscle. I don't know.
"Excuse me."
"Ah yes, the maid is cleaning your room now. It will be ready soon."
And on and on it went. Until 3.30pm when the reception guy tells me my room is ready.
I go upstairs and hear someone shout "wait!"
It's the maid.
"Sir, are you just one?"
"Er..."
"Are you alone?"
"Yes, I'm alone. Why?"
"Please wait a moment sir."
She walks around a corner and speaks into a radio. "Hey this guy that just came up, is he with anyone?"
I hear the guy from reception reply, "Yes, let him in ... he's fine."
I go into my room and I want to take a shower. I look into the bathroom and I'm not so sure. I take out my laptop and read the reviews of the hotel. I recoil in horror.
I run straight downstairs and out onto the street. I have to know for sure. I turn a corner and scan my surroundings. And it's all true, never has there been a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
I wonder what Socrates would say if he could see us now.
And here I am. It's 11 pm and I'm writing this post. Scratching another one off the old bucket list. The neon sign of the hotel is flickering so it looks like there's a police car outside my window.
It doesn't matter. I don't feel like sleeping much anyway. The bed looks comfy, but I haven't tried it out yet.
I wonder what's happing in the rooms around me. I can hear doors opening and closing.
If you are planning a holiday in Athens I don't recommend you stay at the hotel Artemision, unless picking up prostitutes off the street and banging them in a hotel is your thing. If it is, then I couldn't recommend the hotel Artemision more.
Stay out of that bed buddy. Who knows what diseases are hiding in there. I made a similar mistake in Canada once. I ended up walking out and roamed the streets until sunrise.
That is hilarious.
I have got "Stay in a sex hotel" on my bucket list too. LOL!
You should have asked about the location of the hotel...
Are up for a beer on Sunday?