These days, I feel like I am just floating like I am not capable of thinking of anything related to my life. I just watch one anime to another. Black Clover and Tokyo Ghoul fill all my waking hours. They are easy to digest, no annoying emotions.
Source: https://www.swim-teach.com/how-do-I-float.html
You see, I am in a waiting game. A new job will start on the 18th for me. But while I am waiting, I just feel like an empty shell. My usual good music or afternoon scenery can't make me feel better. I am just in a bingeing mode.
I am sure it is my depression talking. But as I puff on my vape, I really wonder... Why is life so lonely? Why isn't it the fairy tale I used to read when I was a child? Why do we have to find anything and everything to fill the chasm in our hearts?
I don't know the answer. I just am going with the flow... wishing one day I could truly find happiness in this wretched world. Like truly finding a lasting happiness that will make my life shine.
I am so sick of feeling so empty. At this rate, I am just aging and waiting for my time to kick the bucket... is it really possible to know true happiness? How elusive is it? Am I strong enough to keep living until I find it?
I hope I know the answers. I hope I can live through this dark fog of not knowing, of constant waiting... I wanna live diligently too... but I can only do it when I am walking toward happiness. Anything else means nothing to me...
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-economy-happiness/202002/what-is-happiness
I hope I am the only one in this world who feels this way. I don't wish this emptiness on anyone. But alas, I know it isn't the reality... the truth is a lot of us are like walking zombies in this world. Some are brave enough to admit the emptiness. Yet some do everything and anything to distract themselves from the numbness. You do you. Do everything to survive this world. And I hope we greet each other in a better state soon. Here's to all of us zombies of 2023~