SECRET N °° 359 The Great War of the Chairs chapter 1

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Chapitre 1 : Le Conseil des Pieds Boisés

Dans la vaste salle du Chêne Centenaire, une rumeur de grincements et de craquements résonne sous la voûte de poutres tordues. C’est ici, depuis des générations, que les Chaises en Bois tiennent leurs conseils de guerre, leurs assemblées de clous et leurs débats à mortier fermé.

Autour de la grande Table Basse – un ancien tronc raboté de mille entailles – une centaine de chaises sont alignées en rangs parfaitement parallèles. Le silence n’est troublé que par le gémissement discret de quelques charnières rouillées.

Au centre, sur un petit piédestal en forme de cale en bois, se dresse le Général Dossier-Rigide, une majestueuse chaise à dossier sculpté de motifs floraux et de runes anciennes gravées au burin. Ses accoudoirs sont décorés de pointes en cuivre terni. Il se racle la barre transversale.

Dossier-Rigide (ton tonitruant) :
« Mes assises ! Mes quatre pieds bien vissés ! L’heure est venue de serrer nos vis et de tendre nos lattes ! »

Un murmure traverse l’assemblée : « Qu’a-t-il appris ? », « Ont-ils osé ? »

Dossier-Rigide claque ses accoudoirs contre la Table Basse. Un nuage de sciure s’élève comme un encens de guerre.

Dossier-Rigide :
« Les Chaises en Paille, ces guirlandes de fibres, ces dossiers flasques, ces traîtres tressés… ont proclamé que NOUS, nobles Bois, serions moins confortables qu’eux ! »

Un rugissement de protestations secoue la salle. Un Tabouret se renverse d’indignation. Une vieille Chaise Pliante ferme ses charnières d’effroi.

Au fond de la salle, un petit Tabouret-Téméraire, modèle rustique sans dossier, se lève sur ses trois pieds pour prendre la parole :

Tabouret-Téméraire (hésitant mais ferme) :
« Général… et si… enfin… on essayait de leur parler ? Après tout, c’est juste une question de confort, non ? »

Un silence de chêne millénaire tombe sur l’assemblée. Tous les regards pivotent, charnières grinçantes, vers le Tabouret.

Dossier-Rigide (approche son dossier orné de pointes du petit Tabouret) :
« Parler ? Parler, dis-tu ?! Ô pauvre petit meuble d’appoint ! La diplomatie est un luxe que seuls les bancs peuvent se payer ! Nous, nous sommes des chaises solides, droites, à l’assise ferme ! Nous n’avons que deux voies : le confort… et les coups de pied ! »

Tabouret-Téméraire (grogne, tout bas) :
« On aurait pu être des bancs, pourtant… »

Dossier-Rigide se redresse et s’adresse de nouveau à l’assemblée, ignorant le murmure :

Dossier-Rigide :
« Préparez vos tourillons ! Vérifiez vos chevilles ! Aiguisez vos vis et huilez vos charnières ! Nous marchons demain à l’aube vers la Clairière Tressée, là où ces brins insolents se rassemblent pour se moquer de nos dossiers droits ! »

Ancienne-Bergère (une chaise à bascule vénérable, grinçante et à demi vermoulue) :
« Et si nous perdions ? »

Dossier-Rigide (avec un sourire poli, effrayant) :
« Nous ne perdrons pas, Mère Basculante. Car nous sommes du bois massif, tandis qu’eux… ne sont qu’un tas de brins qui craquent au moindre poids ! »

Une vague d’acclamations parcourt la salle. Les Chaises frappent leurs pieds contre le parquet en rythme de guerre : TOC TOC TOC TOC. Une jeune Chaise Haute distribue des vis et des cales neuves. On entend même un vieux Rocking-Chair susurrer à son voisin :

Rocking-Chair :
« Ça va encore finir en copeaux tout ça… »

Le Conseil se lève dans un fracas de grincements coordonnés. Les bannières de velours élimé, brodées de clous dorés, sont hissées. Un porte-parole cloue sur la porte un vieux parchemin :

« DÉCLARATION DE GUERRE : Que tremblent les brins. Bois vaincra ! »

Sous la lueur blafarde d’une lampe de chevet vacillante, l’armée des Chaises en Bois quitte la salle, un craquement martial à chaque pas. Dans la pénombre, Tabouret-Téméraire reste seul, réfléchissant encore à une autre voie. Il murmure, pour lui-même :

Tabouret-Téméraire :
« Peut-être qu’un jour, on saura juste s’asseoir… ensemble. »

Chapter 1: The Council of the Wooden Feet

In the vast hall of the Hundred-Year-Oak, a murmur of creaks and groans echoed beneath the vault of twisted beams. For generations, this was where the Wooden Chairs held their war councils, their assemblies of nails, and their debates behind closed mortar.

Around the great Low Table—an ancient trunk planed smooth with a thousand notches—a hundred chairs stood in perfectly parallel rows. The silence was broken only by the faint whimper of a few rusty hinges.

At the center, atop a small wooden wedge-shaped pedestal, stood General Stiffback, a majestic chair with a backrest carved in floral motifs and ancient runes engraved with a chisel. His armrests were adorned with tarnished copper studs. He cleared his crossbar.

Stiffback (in a thunderous tone):
“My seats! My four firmly screwed legs! The time has come to tighten our bolts and stretch our slats!”

A murmur rippled through the assembly: “What has he learned?” “Did they dare?”

Stiffback slammed his armrests against the Low Table. A cloud of sawdust rose like the incense of war.

Stiffback:
“The Straw Chairs—those garlands of fibers, those flabby backrests, those woven traitors—have proclaimed that WE, the noble Woods, are less comfortable than them!”

A roar of protest shook the hall. A Stool toppled over in indignation. An old Folding Chair clenched its hinges in terror.

At the back of the room, a small Reckless Stool—a rustic, backless model—rose shakily on its three legs to speak:

Reckless Stool (hesitant but firm):
“General… what if… well… we tried talking to them? After all, it’s just a matter of comfort, isn’t it?”

A silence as deep as a thousand-year-old oak fell over the assembly. Every gaze, accompanied by creaking hinges, turned toward the Stool.

Stiffback (bringing his spiked backrest close to the little Stool):
“Talk? Talk, you say?! Oh, you poor little side piece! Diplomacy is a luxury only benches can afford! We are solid chairs, upright, with firm seats! We have but two paths: comfort… and kicks!”

Reckless Stool (grumbling under his breath):
“We could’ve been benches, though…”

Stiffback straightened up and addressed the assembly once more, ignoring the murmur:

Stiffback:
“Prepare your dowels! Check your pegs! Sharpen your screws and oil your hinges! At dawn tomorrow, we march to the Woven Glade, where those insolent strands gather to mock our straight backs!”

Old Rocker (a venerable, creaky, half-rotted rocking chair):
“And if we lose?”

Stiffback (with a polished, terrifying smile):
“We will not lose, Mother Swayback. For we are solid wood, while they… are but a heap of strands that snap under the slightest weight!”

A wave of cheers swept through the hall. The Chairs stomped their feet against the floor in a war rhythm: TAP TAP TAP TAP. A young High Chair distributed fresh screws and shims. Even an old Rocking Chair whispered to its neighbor:

Rocking Chair:
“This is all going to end in wood chips again…”

The Council rose in a coordinated cacophony of creaks. The tattered velvet banners, embroidered with golden nails, were raised. A spokesperson nailed an old parchment to the door:

“DECLARATION OF WAR: Let the strands tremble. Wood shall prevail!”

Under the flickering glow of a swaying bedside lamp, the army of Wooden Chairs left the hall, each step a martial crack. In the dim light, Reckless Stool remained alone, still pondering another way. He murmured to himself:

Reckless Stool:
“Maybe one day, we’ll just know how to sit… together.”

---

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Comments

[gratefuleveryday]

They're just tired of being SAT on! LOL

“This is all going to end in wood chips again…”

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