Roles — Hive

I haven’t taken photos with my camera since the killing of the oak; that is the last file it holds. And it’s not because I lacked the intention to do what I so love, which relaxes me and aligns me with what I believe is my life’s purpose. I carried it with me two or three times on deliveries, yet I know motivation was missing. Or perhaps my body simply cried out in exhaustion, and after the deliveries I only longed to return home, not to linger any longer in the streets, with all those people honking in stress and discontent. Do not misunderstand me: I am not saying there are no intrinsically happy souls here, those who know how to redirect their emotions, who know how to open themselves, in a panorama so discouraging, to other kinds of experiences that nurture the soul. In fact, I am observing every being that gives me clues in relation to that, and I try to understand how they function, how they are able to function in a completely… dysfunctional panorama.

The return of the magical can only happen with the return of innocence.

Perhaps I myself am experiencing it in my own flesh, because I have felt that when I don’t push myself so hard, the opportunity appears — the best of them. And I speak, as you can imagine, in relation to the deliveries, which is what I have been dedicating myself to lately.

An old university colleague asked me why I wasn’t working in photography. I told her it was because I don’t have the equipment for that. I have had to reinvent myself. ‘Work in a studio,’ she suggested. And I know those jobs don’t proliferate. The few studios that exist already have their teams and are not looking for anyone new, much less someone without experience in that.

Who am I? is the only question worth asking and the only one that is never answered. It is your destiny to play an infinity of roles, but these roles are not your true self.

Well, I have my own pace and I’ve been painting my house, doing gardening, selling the surplus produce: the passion fruits and the soursops have saved the day for me more than once. Sometimes I manage to get one or two deliveries, and then another comes up, and so on. I can decide, like today for example, not to go out and do deliveries.

I can say with first-hand knowledge that the deliveries are better paid compared with the job I had as a journalist (poor souls who are still there). As a journalist I was earning a MONTHLY salary of less than 7 USD (4,600 CUP). In two days, without much effort, I can earn what I used to make in a month as a journalist. It’s true there is a lot of sun, it’s true the traffic is dangerous, it’s true that to ride a bike you have to eat very well and food is extremely expensive, it’s true that bike components and any repair turn out to be super expensive too… it’s the never-ending story... so, we keep juggling here, yet I trust that life is good, that it’s about how we are able to live day by day, under which assumptions and above all in peace, confident that we have what we need at that moment — which does not mean we give up on our desires. In spite of all the things that might be displeasing me, I believe I am now more grateful than ever for the little I possess, and I truly already consider it an illusion, because it is clear and proven that none of this is mine. None of this I will be able to take with me when I leave here…

Everything you can see in your inner world you will bring into existence in the outer world.

At times I feel as if I’m not getting anywhere in certain areas of my life, as if it were a curse or something like that, as if there were an invisible force that, when I move four steps forward, makes me go two steps back. This is completely true, it is what I feel, but at times my thoughts change. They are just shitty thoughts, I tell myself, and I carry on. I must trust, I must trust, and I try to make that voice the clearest and strongest one inside my head.

As long as we haven’t fallen like that trunk, I suppose there is opportunity… although even the fallen trunk has the chance to serve in many ways.

The brightest mortal is no better than the greatest fool at the moment when both go to bed.

And if you’ve been wondering, those quotes I brought and made part of my post today are from the book The Way of the Wizard by Deepak Chopra. I finished it just a few days ago. Lately I’ve been reading more when I’m left without electricity and without Internet connection at night. I’ve found that one can be happy with a book and a rechargeable fan. I’m sure it would be better to read under the stars or simply contemplate them and feel the night breeze, but my mind tells me it’s risky for a woman alone to stay outside the house… so this is what there is… thank you for reading this far.

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Every image I include in my posts is mine. When it’s not, I credit the source in a caption.}

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It’s incredible, and it’s not just there, that the jobs which should be better paid because they require professionalism are actually the worst paid, but that’s how it is, and it happens in many fields. I hadn’t the faintest idea how much a photojournalist was paid; it’s a disgrace. But I think everything happens for a reason in life; we realise this in time, and sometimes that explanation takes so long to come that we get desperate. This job might be harder, more complicated, but perhaps it will lead you to something else.

And I know that sometimes words of encouragement might not help, but you know you’re never alone; you have angels who’ll be looking out for you, I’m sure of it. And take good care of yourself; what you say at the end of your post is absolutely true. A big hug!🤗

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