My teenage age is one that I enjoyed the most but there is this one thought that I struggle with every day. It gets worst when I watch an engagement or a movie with much of love and romance scene in it. When I talk to my friends about this, they all suggest that I need to forgive myself and blame it on childishness at least I know better now. Despite the fact that I agree with their suggestions, I can’t completely ignore or act like this never happened.
During my high school days, it was impossible to notice me, not that I was lousy but I was always so reserved and so for some reasons I became the center of interest I guess every-one wanted to get me out of my quiet mood. Sam was equally the quiet time but he had his way of making me smile and I just wanted to keep it that way of course I was scared of being betrayed. Yes! Sam never asked for more than that either but my childish mind had travelled so far that I kept envisaging what was never happening.
It was our revision week and our Exams was fat approaching. While studying at the library, I discovered a letter in my text book, I was scared but then I recalled that Sam had asked for the text-book earlier on. I got relaxed then proceeded to read what was in the paper and boom! The long awaited question form Sam. I wouldn’t deny that I never loved Sam, of course I did but my friend had a girls code not to get entangled with the males in our school, I was caught between fighting for what I truly wanted and sticking to some kind of foolish girl-code.
Sam wanted me to be his” Teddy and his Woman” I wanted to be that, but I was held back by the girl-code so in order to hide my emotions, I went back to the Class and showed the girls the letter and just as I expected, we made jest about it. Few minutes later, Sam walked in and gave me an endearing look, one that would make me reach for his arms but my female friends immediately started dishing out weird and mean words/attitude towards him and soon the news spread like wild fire. He wasn’t the type that was seen with girls though he was a friend to all but never had that record of dating or frolicking with any girl.
I would have been his first girl-friend and probably his wife (who knows). Sam went home that day with his head hung down in shame. Throughout the examination period we never spoke to each other but I struggled with the guilt, I tried catching up with him on our way home, at least when the girls couldn’t see but he never wanted to be seen with me his only words was that “he was never enough to win my heart”.
The holiday finally came and I kept hoping that when the new term begins, I would be able to apologize to him. When the term began, I never saw Sam, initially I thought he had decided to go to another school but I decided to ask further. When I probed further, I heard that Sam died over the long holiday due to a severe health condition. Ahh! My hopes were down and my heart completely shattered.
I have borne this pain from then till date, I never got a chance to tell him how sorry I was and my feelings for him. I wish I knew better.
I hope by writing this down, I get some kind of relief and move on. If only the dead could read, I hope he forgives me and reads this little piece from deep within my heart. All I really wanted was to be his Teddy and his World.