I'm thinking of you all the more today Stacey, alone with the cats and dear Hazel the dog, gong through the motions of the living because you are still living! You are alive! You are so very alive and vibrant and gifted with talents beyond counting. You are kind and good. The world needs more people like you. Sometimes I think the main reason we don't get to "know" there's life after death (a good afterlife, at that) is because so many of us would just quit this life NOW to go join our lost loved ones. Why go on, if there's a better place, and we could go there now? I'm confident you'll hang in there Stacey - you are still needed here on earth, which is what I keep telling my mom, who's almost 85 now, and has buried three daughters, and I must remind her that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren NEED her, here and now, and she doesn't get to cash it all in just yet... maybe I need to find a better approach. (I know, I know.) She is a font of wisdom and a model of endurance. The mold is broken; resilient, enduring women like her seem to belong to the last century, not this one. She makes me look like a snowflake. So when she sighs and says why bother to fix the furnace when I may not live to see another winter, you know it's time to remind her of all that is good in this world and make her feel loved, needed, and valued. As your daughters and so many others must remind you that YOU are....
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Thank goodness for supportive, strong women. They are keeping me going. You are as strong as your mother, having endured all those traumas too! This is something I tend to forget - all of Niko's traumas were mine as well. We learn patience and develop deep deep love through these events. All those lovely things you said about me are true about you.
Last night was my first night alone. I realized that I have never lived alone before in my 67 years!!! I could not sleep at all. Got me a massage scheduled for later this morning. Played backgammon with a friend yesterday evening. Going through the motions, when I am not doubled over with grief.
Your mother must fix the furnace. Winter will be here very soon.
xo