”I just can't figure you out,” she said, ”it's like you just don't have any sharp edges or corners.”
My friend Diana said those words many years ago, when we were both about mid-30s, and we were both recently separated from our respective soon-to-be exes. We were having a bit of a fling, finally acting on a hard crush we'd had on each other for more than 10 years.
She and her ex and my ex and myself had been part of a small group of six really close couples who had hung out a lot together, since our college days. Once one of the six couples broke apart, five of the six had ended within 18 months.
Anyway, she was referring to something a lot of people have remarked about me over the years: the fact that they just can't find any ”rough edges” on me and that this realization troubles them, on some level.
Although I'm perfectly aware of the typical outcome of this reality, I have not ever really been able to identify where it comes from, nor exactly what it means. But somehow it seems to be a lot more important to other people than it is to me.
A different friend — many years later — simply described it as my having an innately Zen-like personality. She was a lot more spiritually and psychologically ”evolved” than aforesaid Diana and recognized that my seeming unflappability and calm personality were not a reflection of not caring but simply of my authentic sense of self.
I think a lot of people in life don't perceive an absence of ostensible ”sharp edges” as a positive attribute, choosing instead to slap a label like ”lack of passion” or "aloof" on such a personality. Personally, I have always pursued that lack of sharp edges as a positive trait and something to aspire to... not ever thinking it to be a potential character defect.
I suppose it's all reflection of the great variation we have, in terms of how we go through the human experience. And trust me, I feel plenty! I just choose not to turn my world into a shitstorm crisis center every time I have an emotion!
As human beings, I guess we are often fascinated by, if not attracted to, those who exhibit radically different behavior patterns from ourselves. You know, "opposites attract," and all that... Diana liked being with me because she absolutely knew that I would never be physically or verbally abusive towards her. And yet, the very thing that was good was also central to what was missing.
So where am I going with this story?
Authenticity. As in, not trying to "be" anything; just being fully relaxed into being authentically your core self.
That is, your core self that exists below various masks and layers of protection we may have assumed due to trauma and a harsh life and various difficulties we've encountered.
There are subtle reasons why we often are afraid to simply be ourselves; usually they have to do with the fear of judgment... specifically, we try to avoid the pain associated with rejection of our true selves, as opposed to the somewhat easier to stomach rejection for an act we're putting on."
The Ego can handle having the act rejected because we know — even if only subconsciously — that it wasn't our real self that experienced rejection.
Small wonder the divorce rates are as high as they are!
No, the "fling" didn't last very long... but it taught me to make peace with who I was and not succumb to the temptation to "meet someone where THEY were," rather than meeting them "as myself."
And I still don't have any "sharp edges..."
Thanks for reading, and have a great week ahead!
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Created at 20211219 23:30 PST
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I struggle every day to be myself. It is very difficult to be yourself when your subconscious is full of fear and anxiety! However, we came to life just to be ourselves. What's the point of living if I can't be myself? Sometimes I want to get enough of myself, that's me.. I want to scream. But sometimes it's hard to be yourself because there were times when I stopped being me, especially for my family.
You: no sharp edges or corners.
Me: Bismuth.
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Exactly my outlook on life, something many cannot fathom out, but that's just me, so I know exactly what you're talking about @denmarkguy!