If you've been following my blog for a while, you'll know the heartache I experienced as Dad suffered with cancer over the last few years. You'll also know that due to Car-T therapy, Dad survived, which was awesome, except for the damage both chemo and car-T did to his body. Cancer treatment is not gentle.
Dad, the year I was born.
I have a heart tattooed on my left forearm which I got during this time. It was a reminder of how beautiful people are when you're struggling. Ultimately, human beings can be as nice as they are downright evil. Whenever I'm sad, I look at that and think about the support people gave me at that time. But it's also a big reminder for me personally about how grief is ultimately tied to love. This pain, this ache, this grief, this worry over people you love? This is just a sign of how much you darn well loved them. That changes thing for me, every time.
But damn, the pain. With the possibility of Dad being critically ill again (possibly mesothelioma - we won't know until the biopsy comes back), I'm staring down that heartache I went through a few years ago. It's just what we do, us children, when we are living through the moment our parents start dying - if we've been lucky enough to have parents that long, or parents you even want to mourn. I'm okay this time with saying goodbye, but I just don't want him being in pain. It's hard for my brain not to go towards that in the middle of the night in the darkness.
Dad, Vietnam, 1969
And it's fucking unconscionable, that they send men to war, or that people have to live through war (thinking Palestine, right now) when it's no fault of theirs. For Dad, everything that's started going wrong with his body was because he did 5 months in Vietnam because his number came up. He didn't even fight. He had no PTSD. It didn't impact his life, until those chemicals ingested worked their damage and showed up in his bones and blood and lungs just when he's an old man that should be living his second life. That upsets me. It's unfair. But he did live, I suppose, and had a good life, until he didn't.
I worry a lot about Mum, too. They've been together since teenagers, and she adores him. She will have to learn to live in his absence. We all will. And that's okay - it happens. We think about it, we prepare for it, we talk about it, we know that death is the contract we make with the life, but still, it's not easy, is it?
This heart tattoo is also a reminder of my father, as if I need one. It reminds me to live well, and to die graciously. To be kind and good. To be a person one would want to grieve over.
Anyway, the biopsy might turn out okay. He might have another ten years in him. He jokes that as long as he has Endone, he'll be okay - if Keith Richards can do it, so can he.
Hoping like hell that's the case.
With Love,
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I believe I am blessed to have healthy mother, though my dad is late. I wish your parent a healthy recovery
You're lucky xx Having our parents still alive, at least one, is a blessing.
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It's a terrible thing to have to go through, for him and for you too. Sending healing thoughts and best wishes for a favorable outcome.
Thanks a lot. He's pretty circumspect about it which helps me be a little more rational - if that's possible x
I am hoping like hell with you that it will be good news,
Thanks Tengo xx
I hope the biopsy comes back all clear. I hope you all have patience and strength and peace. I hope <3
Hope is a healer too, so thankyou very much xx
Sending you hugs and prayers for your dad. No it's never easy. Take care.
Thanks Sofs xx
Praying things turn out okay for your dad. 😍
Thanks Arrlinn, that's kind of you xx
Sending you love and let’s hope it will be good news 🤗🤗🥰
I'm wishing for a clean biopsy for your father! It's horrible what they, knowingly, expose troops to. Agent orange was a huge culprit in Vietnam and in Iraq and Afghanistan it was the toxicity from the burn pits. Enjoy each moment you have left with him.
That's whatit's all about - gratitude for what we've had, and have had, and seeing him out well.
War is the worst thing about us.
War, sickness and old age make us suffer a lot, how much pain and frustration is behind your words.
Your dad is very brave and you are lucky to have people who love him like you do @riverflows
I love tattoos with such valuable meaning, that's one of the reasons why I created the tattoo world community. When you want to tell us more about your tattoo and the experience of having it, we will be happy to welcome you there.
Today I am just writing a post for this community telling something about my experience taking care of my grandmother and leaving some tips. I don't know when this post will be published but it will be soon.
I want to ask you a question on discord but I can't get it, if you want you can leave me your discord here or when you have time you can write me to this soyunasantacruz #9995 thank you
💗💗 riverflows#4691
My sister died of cancer and I saw the brutal effects of chemo. No one should have to go through that... Fingers crossed for that biopsy result!
I'm sorry to hear that. Thanks for your well wishes xxx
Sending you all my love, and all my prayers. Keeping my fingers crossed for him and sending love to your Mom too.
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Oh this post hit close to home. 💔
I have been surviving through all of the ups and downs of my mom’s 2020 cancer diagnosis, and the destruction the “treatment” did to her body.
It is a weird journey. And really emphasizes how fast time flies.
Wishing your dad health and a clean biopsy.
It's a horrible journey, isn't it? It damn near kills you and the side effects are brutal. How is she doing now? And saying 'it's a wierd journey', yeah, I absolutely get that xx
I am hoping that it will be good news, you just have to optimistic about it. Sending love to both your dad and mum
Thanks so much @iskawrites x
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My husband’s issues were also tied to the Vietnam war. It really is so unfair that they should suffer so, for what they had to do.
I learned you can prepare, can know in your head, but nothing prepares you for the reality that they just aren’t there anymore. I hope your parents don’t join that club for years to come.
That's for sure, I don't think, we will even survive that long.
💕💕💕😢