Strange, because it's a Go Touch Some Grass episode. However, I find myself the need to share this. I may have told you (or hopefully made you feel) that GTSG is my personal diary that which I allow myself to share my life with you, like how I long to share my moments to a trusted friend.
Yes, I could vouch on you guys more, not gonna lie. And if I must cut through the chase...
That should be obvious already. But that's my grandma, and finally, she's left us, just as she wished. Pardon for my wording.
MAIN MENU:
-> What I Was To Her
On The Final Moments...
Doesn't Matter (An Observation)
Please Touch Some Grass Too
What I Was To Her
To be honest, I envy those recollections of grandmas from various grandchildren. No, not that my grandma's a bad grandma, but let's say that... she's pretty much of a child, even from back then.
So here's her when she was still alive. No, her name's not Uway. It's just how relatives on her province call her.
Well here. This one's my grandma, Florencia. And just as what I said— she acts very much of a child, especially when it comes to me. Hence, I, at some point, envy grandmas who spoil their grandchildren. This one... actually is the grandchild in question (thankfully I find it cute). Perhaps thanks to my experience with her do I end up being nice to other grandmas as well.
I don't really have much pictures with her because before I started blogging, taking pictures is NOT my thing, unless it would be the sky or some little cutesy things I see. And if I do, I delete them later on. I don't know why I do. But on my younger years, every night on her room, she'd summon me to her room and I'd stay there for a bit. Usually to ask a bit of her holy water and spend some night with her. [PS: That water was in fact, cultist water. Despite being a Catholic, she has her side line on... that.] She also has a habit of keeping old containers and smelly oils (again, cultist stuff), and useless stuff. She'd even get mad if any of her stuff, useful or not, gets touched. And so we decided not to throw anything, even the useless ones. As I grew up, however, I stay less on her room, for the reason that her not wanting some electric fan around (which makes her room hot) doesn't sit with me at all.
Regardless of me no longer staying on her room, when not busy (and on times where she could still walk), she'd take me with her and take her to her senior citizen meetings under the bridge nearby. I used to be fine with it as a child, but as I became quite the teen, I ended up crying once that I asked her that I head home (trust me— I was bored that time). She made me go home, but since then, she didn't bother to bring me anymore. Somehow, I find it a good thing because I can finally focus on being me and stuff.
By the way, a tale which my parents told me years ago. This has something to do with my name...
On that certain day of the year when I was born, for some unknown reason my grandma caught wind of my mom about to give birth. Hearing this, quite panicking, my grandma literally called the hospital's number just to blackmail my parents. Yes, blackmail. Because she's been holding conditions towards them.
The condition: If I don't get named with this certain name, she won't ever take care of me, let alone throw in a birthday party on my first birthday.
And let's just say they went along with her whims. And so I was named with that name, and there definitely was a birthday party during my first birthday. At the same time, she also took care of me, preparing food for everyone, but still, acts particularly spoiled towards me (like only wanting to speak to me or be fed by me, etc.)
[PS: In case you forgot, Elsie isn't even my name. It's just a persona I chose to have.]
And that's that about my history. But then, moving forward to now, I could definitely swear that my name was a foreshadowing to the role I have to play as her time soon came to an end now. If she's already wanting to be spoiled in her younger years, it all just intensified when she got older. And so, what I was to her... I'll leave the judgment up to you.
MAIN MENU:
What I Was To Her
-> On The Final Moments...
Doesn't Matter (An Observation)
Please Touch Some Grass Too
On The Final Moments...
Considering that I started writing this on Friday, looking back to Tuesday on that day (just look at the dates, bruh), it certainly was 3 days since this all happened (or more accurately, ended)
So, I remembered that Tuesday, it was already 8 AM, and that she remained asleep. Certainly, her breakfast should be at 6 or 7, but even at this hour, she's not even eating (which I am concerned of, because that means it would be my fault for not feeding her, and I'll be as burned as crisp by my own dad— who is my grandma's son). And so I tried shaking her, calling her if she wants to eat or drink. And after minutes of calling her, all I got was a dang shake of her head. Welpers, all the effort to call just for her to say no. I couldn't hear her voice anymore as well, so I'm confused whether she wants to be fed initially or not, but a shake sure is a clear answer to me. Well, who am I to force anyway?
...
And then came lunch break, 12 noon. Seriously, I even resorted to talking to a chatbot just to help me with decision-making, and well, I finally decided to definitely tell her that she needs to eat. Or drink. At least have something for herself (death literally is out of my mind in the first place). So, I called her again, asking if she wants to eat or drink, and finally, she gave me a raise with her eyebrows. Strange response, but yatta. She wants to drink milk now. So I did, carefully adding a spoon of milk to her mouth. She did cough there at some point, but I continued as much as she wanted me to. When she almost finished her milk, I asked if she wanted more, and while it took time, she finally shook her head. I take it as a confirmation to the end of her meal, and my shift ending. I got worried halfway, though. Because of course, I ended at 1:10 PM, which by the way, made me enter the class late (and tired).
...
While I'm inside the room, attending to my online classes, I think I've heard twice or thrice that she coughed (which sounded like her falling off her bed again), but each time I open the window to look, she's just on her bed. So, eh... I close it again and try to focus as usual. And then came quarter to 5 when I noticed that it was quiet. I simply remembered I have some clothes to get from the clothesline, before others could see it and reprimand me here and there again. And I also planned to change her diaper as well. So I took those clothes, passed by my grandma and continued my job, until curiosity got the better of me, prompting me to check on her.
So I was literally like, looking up, crouching down, looking left and right, with only a single question while noticing my grandma's no longer breathing.
Is this final??
I don't know what I ate to even think of it first and foremost. But I'm seeing quite the obvious. Her not breathing, a seemingly absent pulse... what else do you want me to do? I did ask for one more sign, though.
Just maybe a fly landing on her... anywhere.
And so it chose to land on her blanket. There, I just had this blank face and... yeah, I just knew that was it for her.
To be honest, I took this photo for this blog's sake. And I did contemplate about showing her face, but... eh, I had my thoughts and ended up covering it instead.
But hey! Maybe we can give your grandma a chance at life? Like maybe, have you thought of CPR?
Me? Consider? Of course I did. It would be against what I've researched thus far only for the sake of roleplay scenarios if I didn't. But I remembered two things:
- I'm bad at it. I'm not really professionally trained, so... I can do chest compressions, but mouth-to-mouth? Pass.
- For years, way way back this all started, she always had prepared herself for this, left instructions here and there as if she'd be gone anytime soon, and at times where when opportunity was there, she could only wish she could just die and myself wishing that I could give that to her. But eh, who am I to even prolong her suffering, our suffering together?
But I myself don't want to break the ice to them myself, so I called family, then relatives to come over out of a subtle question: I'm not sure about what Lola is now, do you mind coming home and check on her?
(I asked because I'm all alone at home when this happened.)
And so...
| Relative Called | What I Told Them | How They Reacted |
|---|---|---|
| My mom | Left a subtle message, first replying to the question if there still is soy sauce at home, then asking with, "Um, ma?" | Discontinued; didn't notice her on seen. Quite the good thing because I'm scared she might freak out, cry, and might be the next to have a heart attack or whatever. |
| My dad | Chatted on Messenger, slowly trying to break the ice on him. Started with "Um, da?", hoping for a response. | Had a video call on Messenger, showing my grandma's face before covering it. When asked with a what-if of her actually gone, he said, "Well, there's nothing we can do about it except to accept it." |
| Auntie Virna | Chatted on Messenger in the mistake she's at home. Slowly led her into asking if there's anyone at home who can check on my grandma. | Called her husband, Uncle Toper to come instead. Updated me about him coming to the house. And since then, it was him who spread the news throughout my relatives. |
MAIN MENU:
What I Was To Her
On The Final Moments...
-> Doesn't Matter (An Observation)
And So, "Rest In Peace".
Please Touch Some Grass Too
Doesn't Matter
And sometime later, my other relatives, uncle Emery and his wife, auntie Jiji, returned home (since we live in their garage as of now). I personally let them come in and check on my grandma. And here comes observation as people eventually came home to see her.
| Relative who arrived | Reactions/Actions |
|---|---|
| Uncle Toper | First to arrive, tried waking her up several times. Messaged others about the situation while still checking for any signs of life. I find it pointless, but I didn't judge. |
| Uncle Emery | Did the same as Uncle Toper, but eventually returned back to his house next door. |
| My mom | Probably was on undertime to see my grandma ASAP. Complained about my dad talking bad at her for not knowing (like what I said, I don't want to break the news up with her so as not to cause another tragedy). Like everyone else, tried waking her up, and also noticed that my grandma didn't complain over her legs straightened up (normally, she would). |
| My older sister | Came home seeing my mom's worried face. Tried waking her up and just went inside the room. |
| My dad | Arrived at 8 PM (can't blame the distance between our house and his workplace), checked on her, and went to the neighboring house later on to discuss about next steps. |
| Auntie Emilie and her husband, Uncle Sherwin | Spoke to my mom, having wake-like sessions... which I heard my mom cry while I had to force myself doing homework (because my older sister says I have no reason to excuse myself). |
But if I may ask you, how long should the dead stay on her bed? Because guess what...
Her body was taken the next day, which I find it weird to think that we had her the whole night.
And concluding my observations, safest to say, the only person who cried on that day and the next... was my mom. (sigh) Can't blame her, though.
That concludes today's episode. I really have a lot to tell you, but I believe it would be a very long post, so I hope you'd stay tuned to the next updates after Sunday. And for ease of access, our next posting will be on a collection of posts regarding this topic. Please look forward for updates regarding her burial. So yeah, for now... Elsieyaaaa.
Condolence to you @elsieyaaa and family🥺
Condolences to your family @elsieyaaa,I hope you feel better day by day🥺
With the burden of being a caretaker gone, there's one thing I look forward to: ambiguously, better days. Specifically, a day being alone at home.
But thanks. <3
My condolences to you and your family.
My deepest condolences to you and your family, dear, @elsieyaaa. I know your Lola is already happy right now. May your family, especially your mom, be able to cope up with these painful times. Hugs! By the way, let me just say this that your grandmother literally just gave you such a beautiful name. 🤍🤍
(I would swear my parents planned a better name, not gonna lie. This name became a thing of insults, which adds to the resentment.)
Regardless, thank you. And yes, I'll just continue to stay with my mom each time she cries as she misses her. She needs it more than I do, if I may say so.
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