Photos originally mine
As I was looking at the ineffable beauty of the sunset, I felt at ease. I can’t help but to adore the different hues that dominate the sky, as if I was meant to be enchanted by its majestic beauty.
The sky were screaming in colors, so is my mind. Countless of questions lingered, countless of doubts and what if’s. But only one question stayed long.
Am I really okay?
These question echoed in my mind, am I really okay? I asked myself countless times. But only silence answered me, perhaps I am not really okay— I don’t think I ever was.
My vision started to blurry as I feel the tears that were trying to escape in my eyes, I slowly looked up— afraid I might cry. Those questions hit me big time.
Whenever someone asked me “ are you okay? ” my mouth automatically responded with a “ yes I’m fine ” or just a simply “ yes ” — I mastered those words all over again, but the truth is, I wasn’t exactly answering the question. I’m not okay, but I’m fine with it yet no one tried to notice the question and my response, they didn’t dig deeper, they wasn’t able to dive the depths in me, they wasn’t able to dance with my storms.
It might be becausee,
People saw me as a happy person, it might be because they always see me in that way— smiling and laughing like it’s genuine. But I would be lying to myself if I’ll say it’s genuine, because it’s not real, it was a façade to hide my miseries, the storms in my head, and the sadness.
I sarcastically chuckle, how hypocritical of me to hide behind the façade of smiles and laughter when I am crying inside— maybe that’s where I meant to be; behind my facades.
I wonder who noticed how sad my eyes seems amidst the smiles I am showing to everyone, I wonder who noticed the unusual behavior I am having whenever I am not feeling okay. I wonder who noticed everything.
This time, my tears delicately gushed down onto my cheeks— without noticing it. No one. No one noticed it. Maybe I am just really a good actress— or maybe that’s just what I think ? And those tears turn into sobs. I feel so broken… so vulnerable. I am used to keeping all of my problems alone, but this time I just wanted to talk to someone, to be vulnerable with them, to open my wounds with them, to cry with them.
I always feel tremulous whenever I am opening myself, afraid they might not understand me the way I wanted to be. Those daunting thoughts scares me. So I decided to live with a vapid life— always dull but close to being lively. I was illicit, no one has to dive the deepness in me— I never allowed them to. But some people must really be that fastidious, they manage to dive the depths in me, promising a deep understanding, some manage to keep it but most of them fail.
And that’s why I’m afraid.
Countless people will say “ I am here for you ” but when you need them the most they’re out of sight. Isn’t it just so heartbreaking holding onto their words that they weren’t even holding? So I decided to not tell them, I decided to keep it all by myself and I’ve realized it’s better! It’s better this way, its my battle to fight anyway, they’re not obliged to help me get through it all and most of all— they’re not obliged to understand me.
Photos originally mine
Perhaps the problem is in me, perhaps there are really someone who understands me the way I wanted to be— I'm just too afraid to allow them. The thought that they’ll misunderstood me, scares me. Perhaps, that’s the reason why I felt this way, always in seek for someone’s understanding, or perhaps because I am afraid to be misunderstood — again. So I kept my mouth shut the whole time, even I wanted to scream for help.
But, how long will I be like this?
How long will I hide behind my facades?
How long will I need to… suffer like this?
I took a deep breath and whispered, “ In time ”
Everything takes time, we just need to believe. In time, I will not be afraid again to open up to someone whatever their response will. It may worsen what I feel, or it may comfort me— what I need to do is to accept that not everybody can get me, that not everybody can … understand me.
As I watched the sun setting into the horizon— slowly eaten by the darkness, I felt serependity, the serene calmness of the sky somehow lift my heart— it feels so light. At least I have the sunset with me.
I took a deep breathe and smiled — genuinely.
Everything’s gonna be okay— someday
I just hope tomorrow will gonna be okay and good to me. I’ve been through a lot, I think I deserve a rest :>
I stayed for a couple of minutes, adoring how the colors seems so combine in the sky, how could sunset can lift all the sadness I am feeling anyway? No wonder, it is one of my comfort zone! It may be a sign for goodbyes, for me it will always be a sign of tomorrows, of new begginings, and comfort.
Photo originally mine