My name is Heather and I'm 38 years old. I'm spending Christmas here at my Grandmothers with my 4 year old son, Atticus. He'll be with his Father until Christmas Day, then I'll be able to pick him up and spend the day with him for a few days. That's our arrangement this year.
What I'd like to get out of my system here first is my feelings about my parents. It's quite painful to be exact but I felt like this was the perfect place to really release this, especially with is weighing down on me lately like it has. A little background on my parents relationship to me. They pretty much left me when I was 3 years old, my father joined the military to give me a 'better life' and my mother went about her way with another man and did not try to keep me in hers. My father was 16 and my mother was 18 when I was born, so they were already pretty young when they had me.
Fast forward to today. Christmas feels like such a lonely time for me. I'm here to tell you about my parents and the pain they cause. Let's start with my mother. She never calls me. I hear from her once a month if I'm lucky, and it's just to tell me hello and that she loves me. Nothing more, nothing less. It's usually over Facebook messenger and feels incredibly empty. I've spent years missing her and yearning for a relationship with her, I've even called her crying and begging her for one to no avail. Not my finest hour, I'd have to say. She still treats me as if I'm an afterthought. Do I get checked up on by my mother regularly? No. I guess some of you might say to be grateful that at least I hear from her sometimes, and I am somewhat, but it is so painful sometimes to know that I will never mean nothing more to her than an afterthought. A moment where she might think of me and say Hi. She will go 2 or 3 months without saying anything sometimes. The yearning never ends, it has just gotten quieter over time. I gave up long ago on hoping that my mother would want to have some kind of on going relationship with me. That I may somehow mean enough to her that she'd reach out regularly. I'll keep dreaming, I guess.
On the next note, my father, is an interesting one to decipher. We actually speak every day over the telephone. He lives one state over and we call each other daily. That doesn't mean we have a close relationship. He hasn't called me on my birthday and wished me a Happy Birthday in years, nor has he bought me a gift for Christmas in years. He'll brag about the gifts he gets my sisters, or his ex wife, but never have I seen a gift for me in years. Not saying that a good relationship revolves around gift giving, it's just odd that he won't even think enough about me to give me something simple that doesn't cost that much that might make me smile. My father is a self involved man who doesn't listen to me very much, when we talk on the phone it's mostly him talking. Lately, I've gotten almost weary of listening to him drone about the same subjects daily and whenever I speak about something it seems as if he doesn't listen to me or he'll cut in over me and start in on another subject of his own.
So...to get attention or to not get attention. It seems as if both have their downfalls. Both feel just as empty as the next. I still feel lonely here at this holiday and the cheer is not around as it should be. There is more I could share but I want to focus on my feelings towards my parents and what hurts the most right now. I hope that anyone can relate in some way. Reach out and let me know. Thank you for letting me be a part of this community.
Merry Christmas.
That sounds kind of sad.
I wish you a Merry Christmas anyway and welcome here to the Hive Community.
!LUV
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