I grew up an only child but I have witnessed sibling rivalry from the most trivial to the extreme. Over here in Nigeria, where children are a gift from God [the perfect excuse for improper planning], a home can be brimming with as little as three to as much as eleven. Yes. Eleven children.
The first question I ask myself is, “is giving birth such a wonderful experience?” I have watched videos of women birthing and I get scared. Then a woman is popping babies like it is her life’s purpose and I am just in awe. I do not mean this to sound any bit disrespectful, it is just how I feel.
As an only child, I have never experienced for myself what sibling rivalry is all about except for one time when my aunt and her daughter moved in with us. It was all smooth sailing until she began to ‘overstay’ her welcome. Kids will be kids and I was a kid. There was a habit she had of running behind her mother whenever she did something to me that made my blood boil. She would deliberately step on my toe and I would hold off on retaliating for my mother’s sake. My mother was not oblivious. She is a smart woman and saw everything, yet, she would implore me to take it because we wanted no trouble. That was until Mom asked them to leave. That was just the tip of what I would experience in my coming years not directly but through others and their lives.
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Fast forward, I reunite with my other cousin who I have written about countless times, Daisy. Daisy is a twin [fraternal] and I grew much closer to her than I did her brother. Sleepovers became common and I saw how much my cousins seemed to dislike each other. David had a nasty temper and Daisy was a ticking bomb. She is the type that would retaliate if you offend her. She and David would just keep going at it for days on end and I would feel like a mouse trapped in a deadly fight between house cats.
They fought over the littlest things. From who watched what to who went were and who did what. The favoritism from their parents towards David did not help matters as Daisy just grew angrier each day and more rebellious. She was determined to hurt them as much as they were hurting her, which is why she would be the last to follow instructions. When she did, it was on her own terms. This did not seat well with my Aunt and her husband but what they did not understand was the more they push her, the harder she fought.
It got so bad that it escalated to a full-fledged fight with slamming cupboards, broken glass and thrown knives. Yes. That bad.
As usual that morning, the two were at odds and not speaking to each other. I could not even do anything because I felt I always had to take Daisy’s side and if she was hurting, then I needed to be there for her. The night before that she had exploded, finally letting out pent up frustrations and anger towards her parents. Their reactions were comical. She had never behaved in that manner despite her sparky nature. It ended with her locking herself up and refusing to come out even for dinner.
The next morning, the two siblings were not speaking to each other and their parents tried to salvage the situation. I think they realized [a little too late] what their parenting style was doing. They gave her the permission to go out to which she declined because she was depressed.
The first sign of a fight came when Daisy wanted to watch something and David opposed saying he wanted to watch something else. Daisy refused to relinquish the remote and since he could not take it from her, he switched the TV off. I was getting pissed but held my silence because I did not want to be fuel to Daisy’s raging fire. Did not work because next thing I know they are both exchanging blows and capsizing the couch with their body weights. I tried to get in-between and stop the fight only for Daisy’s fist to meet with my chin. I saw stars…
No one told me to go sit and watch. They split up on their own only to begin again in the afternoon when David made a remark about something. Cannot remember the details but Daisy made a comeback that burned like a mother trucker and hit home. This made David shove Daisy and she used the spoon she was using to make lunch to smack him hard across the face. The minefield blew one mine after another and lunch ended on the kitchen floor with a knife wound on Daisy’s leg. In the end, the parents came out and separated the fight, taking Daisy out for treatment.
Then evening came and I wish I had seen the signs earlier. Started with the remote again. David had it this time and refused to give. Daisy let it go. This means she was almost past her breaking point. Daisy never backs down from a fight. When she does, it is for your safety not hers.
I then noticed a few naira notes were missing from my purse. We had no visitors all day and just the three of us. Daisy would not steal from me. She always asks but David… plus, he had done it before. So, I confronted him [thinking about it now, I should have just let it go] and Daisy latched onto that. Then David used a word he should not have when referring to me. Daisy lost it. I heard the slap before I saw it. It was resounding and my hands automatically went to my mouth.
Before I could throw myself between them, David shoved her against the sliding door made of glass. A miracle that it did not break. All I could hear was my screaming for them to stop when Daisy broke the glass stool. And I knew in my heart that there would be murder if I did nothing. So, I quickly grabbed her by the waist as she made way towards her brother with glass in her hand. Daisy was past that point and David, with his coconut head, kept provoking her coming closer and daring her to use it when he should have been miles away.
Shock could not begin to define his expression when she slashed him on the arm and aimed for his shoulder. He took hurried steps back just as their parents came into the living room and saw the commotion. My uncle rushed David to the hospital that night while Daisy and I sat in her bedroom.
Compared to then, the siblings have a sweet relationship. David and I have also come a long way. Long journey of forgiveness and understanding. When David and Daisy interact, you would not believe they used to fight. Even I find it to be a miracle.
This is the worst form of Sibling Rivalry I have seen. I learned a lot watching how their parents interact with them. I have made notes stored deep in my subconscious and I am super glad each time I see the twins together. So together that it feels like those dark moments of feud was designed and orchestrated to lead them to this point in their lives where they put each other first.
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Hi darling. It's been far too long and I just spotted your post and thought I'd read it through.
THAT is an extreme case of sibling rivalry, for sure. I have a brother and a sister and while we verbally fought often as children, there wasn't too much physical violence (a little between my sister and I, mostly her physically hurting me and then me telling my Mum who would tell us to stop... until the next time she got angry. Thankfully, I think that "stage" only lasted a couple of years?) and now, as adults, we are all pretty good to each other. We're reasonably kind, sensible and respectful of each other. We disagree, yes. But I really can't imagine my brother or sister or I even yelling at each other anymore unless it was actually an emergency.
Being an only child you missed out on some wonderful experiences of connection and bonding, but you also missed out the "rivalry" for the attention of parents - which is usually what most fights are actually about.
It has been really long. I was just thinking about visiting your blog earlier and voila! You beat me to it.
It was ugly. This are just a few of what I have experienced with them. And I have seen siblings that took it beyond that.
I definitely missed bonding as a child but my cousins were there for that as soon as the storm calmed. While I have no direct siblings, I find solace with those two. We don’t see each other as much as we are all facing school and life.
But thank goodness that is all over. They are now grown and understand each other better. David has channeled his anger to something else and no longer has those bursts plus, he is fiercely protective of his sister which is just beautiful to see.
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This is such a wonderful piece to digest and relate with. Your words are perfectly descriptive. Daisy was older I guess? And she would not take any nonsense from David. And David was the man of the house after your uncle? He needed to be manly. Unfortunately, favoritism from parents would only fuel such rivalry.
Yet, these two can die for each other as much as they fight each other. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece.
They are twins and David was born three minutes before which makes him the oldest. You’re welcome and thank you for reading
oh..... You're welcome
i hate to see two siblings throwing glass and slamming cupboard at each other, like where is the family love and bond. Funny enough this is mostly caused by the parents failing to train up their children
Maybe but family love isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. Things must happen for the bond to get stronger.
I wonder why their parents let things degenerate to that extent between Daisy and David. To even think they are twins. Things got really toxic between them.
Yeah. A little bit of ignorance is all it takes to lose everything
Wow, this is truly extreme I must say. It's normal for siblings to fight the remote but it's usually a simple normal fight.
I think siblings fight in most cases is a weird form of bonding.
Me too.
This is downright mental! In my ignorance just assumed twins always got along! How wrong was I!
Yeah. Not all twins get along at first. I witnessed how brutal it got
Brutal is an understatement
Thank you 🙏🏾
👍 !PGM