Tell us about one part of your upbringing that you love so much and would like to replicate in your children. And also tell us about one part you never want to recreate in bringing up your child.
When it comes to child upbringing, I always pray to God to help me be intentional and conscious about it because many upbringings from parents have neither marred nor made the children into who the society prays for to whom the society curses and wishes they weren't born and in existence.
Throughout my study as a para-counselor, I have realized that there are three different parenting styles, (AUTHORITARIAN, AUTHORITATIVE, and PERMISSIVE), and those styles each with their side effects but the worst and the most practiced style we have in our society especially Nigerian today is the "AUTHORITARIAN" parenting style, and this particular type of upbringing is the one most parents especially mothers back then used in bringing us up with.
Only a few of us had the two other styles which are better than the authoritarian kind of parenting style but among all these parenting styles one of the best is the AUTHORITATIVE parenting style which only a few had the privilege to get. In fact, it was mostly our fathers who had the authoritative kind of style while our mothers went with the authoritarian style.
Back then, the fear of our mothers was always the beginning of wisdom, and because I had such a kind of mother, I always prayed every day that I wouldn't emulate her kind of style of upbringing because it kind of did a lot of damage to me, but thank God I had a father who was in between the permissive and authoritative kind of upbringing, although I wouldn't want to lie, my mum style of upbringing helped me even though it had it side effects, which I am still working on but my father's role in my life shaped me better and it is his kind of parenting style I hope to instill on my kids one day when I get to have my kids.
I grew up as a confident lady who knows what she wants, knows her value, and worth, an independent lady, a lady who at a young age, started making decisions, taking responsibility, and being responsible for every one of my actions as a result of my father's kind of upbringing, that is why every day even though it's been fourteen years since he died, I am grateful he was intentional about that aspect.
Being the bigger person when he died was easier, being the head and taking up family responsibility and making crucial decisions for myself, my siblings and my mom at a very young age was easier as a result of his upbringing. It was his trust in my judgment and his belief in me even when I was quite young.
Anytime I go to him, all he does is sit me down and explain all that I need to know, and when he is done, he leaves the floor open for me to make my decision, saying whatever decisions I make, he is always solely behind me, ready to support me and so, anytime I go out, I go out brave because I have someone who believes and trust in me and that is the kind of upbringing I want for my kids.
Always available and ready to teach, guide, and support them, while I let them take the lead in their life.
The part I do not wish to recreate is the absence of a mother-daughter or mother-son relationship between myself and my kids, that is because I am currently a victim of that part of upbringing. My mom was just there, a mother figure in the home, but we never had any sort of relationship that I can proudly talk about when other kids were and are talking about their relationship with their mother.
I can not relate to such a relationship because I think my mom was more bent on training me and moulding me than having any sort of mother-daughter relationship with me. Instead of instilling respect, admiration, and love for her, which I do have but she instilled fear for her more than any other thing.
It's hard for the both of us to have a sensitive conversation like my family life, relationships, or any personal issues bothering me, the truth is, it is even more difficult for me to tell my mom about my issues, it's either she is always the last to hear it or never hears it at all because I do not know how to start it.
Most of the things I was supposed to learn and know from her, I ended up learning outside, I guess that's the way she was trained too, and so she thinks it was the best kind of way to bring up her kids, especially her only daughter, her only way and best way of showing her love but it didn't help.
My dad was more of this is how it is done, this is the consequences of this and the benefits of that, I would go for this if it was me but since it is you making the decision, you are free to go for what your hearts want, I am always your supporter.
He was more of the be a good girl, be yourself, be confident, be brave, don't let anyone no matter the age, pressure you, you are more than this, you are great, put in more effort, I am your fan, and will always be your fan.
That was my dad and I wish I could be intentional, I always wanted to be that part of my father to my children but my mom was the other way around, when she leaves the house, I usually breathe a sigh of relief but once I see her from afar, my palm starts sweating profusely with beaded sweat around my forehead and neck.
I never want to recreate such a life for my children, I never want to be an absentee mother in my girl-child life, not just in my girl-child but all of my children irrespective of gender. I hope and pray to do better and right by my kids someday. I do love my mom but I hoped she did better in her style of upbringing, especially with me.
This is my entry to Hive Naija Weekly Prompt | Edition 42
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You have clearly stated the Lacuna between most family relationships. African mothers tend to be authoritarian because they want the child or children to make them proud and that was also how they were raised but thank God for the revolution daughters are now becoming wise to understand that things need to change.
I have a daughter and we are each other's best friends... that's how it should be.