The first time I knew and understood the weight of loss was the day I lost my neighbor, she was more of a mother to me, she's always calling my name, she calls me" Feranmi omo mi" meaning Feranmi my son. This woman just love me, she's always there to assist, to advice and all.
So, there was a time I fell sick and hospitalized, this woman gave, she prayed, she cared, she was always coming and going, then the hospital went on strike, that's heartbreaking, I was still unwell, in fact I just did a major surgery like two days to the day they went on strike, I had to go home in that state, my parent did their best to make sure am good and this woman too, she was there for me, but then, her daughter also gave birth and she had to travel down there, she promised to be back soon, unfortunately, that was the last time I would be seeing her, she had an accident that claimed her life.
I was in the room trying to eat when I heard something louf and clear....tell my daughter to stop crying" it was her voice, I did not pay attention to it, but then it came again, this time more louder, immediately I called my mum to help me get up and get this woman daughter for me, while she was trying to get me up, someone knocked, that was when they delivered the bad news to my mum, she couldn't shout or cry, she didn't even know how to go tell her children or even me, she came in and told me to eat first and she will call her for me, I said no, she insisted and went out, I guess to tell the family what has happened, I was right, I heard loud cries and wailings, and I used all the power in me to get up, I dragged myself out, I saw people already outside, all in sad mood, I overheard some saying what happened, I didn't know where that strength came from, I ran out, I cried, I almost fell, the packing on my stomach for the surgery almost removed, my mum rushed out to hold me. I guess I should stop here, it was really a loss for me.
I have never cried when I lost someone, that was the first. It was then I realized that loss is not just the absence of someone or something, but it is a shift in reality, it's just like a door slamming shut without warning, theres no time to prepare for it, or a backup plan in case something were to happen, no manual to read to know how to go through it.
Also, sometimes ago, I lost my first real relationship, I felt bad, I had nurtured and cared for this relationship, I did all I could, but why this, this might sounds out of it, but I wondered why everything and everyone still goes normal, people are laughing, the sun still came out, the streets of Lagos were still littered with hawkers and I wondered how could life still go on.
Well, it has happened, I pretend to be fine, as Nigerians, we go through things and we are quick to adapt and move on, so I did that, I swallowed my pain and moved on too. But, this loss was different, I was not alright, I walked through my days like I was a ghost, my body was there but my mind has been trapped in memories of what was, what could have been and what would never be.
What if I had done things differently? What if I had held on tighter, worked harder, loved better.....and a lot were the questions I asked. Then came the anger, I was angry at everything, at the world, at myself, at the person I lost and all. Why did I allow myself to hope, to believe, to invest in something that could break so easily....no answer, just anger, one that burns and left me empty.
Healing is not easy, it is a series of stops and starts, of good days and bad ones, healing is a gradual process. There are times I would wake up feeling good and do well till night, there are times I wake up feeling like myself, and face the world but by evening, I’d be curled up, drowning in memories. But, I came to understand that, loss never disappear, we just grow around it and learn to carry it differently, its more like a scar, it has stopped bleeding, but it never truly fades.
I started doing small things that reminds me life goes on. I took long walks, I cry, I wrote, I talked to friends who understood, some will talk as if they've never experienced loss and just expect you to move on as if pain is dirt that can be packed and poured out. But healing does takes time.
I remember the first day I laughed a real laugh, even me, I was shocked, nothing do interest me, nothing is funny to me, but the day I laughed, I realized I had forgotten what joy felt like. Loss does not erase joy, it just makes you appreciate it more when it returns. I started seeing beauty and appreciating things even the little things..life goes on, and I'm here too.
Also, loss has no final moment where you wake up and say... am completely healed.
You just keep moving forward, carrying your memories and scars for what is gone, yes you keep on carrying them, only that now, they no longer weigh you down, you will remember, but won't break. We all lost something, we all felt lost, we have all experienced it one way or the other, but its just part of life.
All pictures are mine.
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